Whispers in the Silence
by piratewench78
Summary: Rayna's at a crossroads. Which way should she go? AU.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Not quite a sequel to 'I'm Only In It For The Love', but another seminal moment in Deacon and Rayna's lives together. Rayna's most inconveniently pregnant. Deacon's in rehab – again – and she has a new man in her life. Could things go a little differently this time? AU._

Maddie's plaintive little cries woke her from a fitful sleep. She sat up in her bed. Sunlight had brightened the room, muted by the blinds on the windows. She looked over at the clock and it was just after seven. _At least she's not an early riser._ She threw off the covers and swung her legs off the bed, then stood up slowly. It had been a little over two weeks since Maddie had been born and she was still a little sore, but mostly just tired. Her daughter was a good baby, but she had a tendency to want to hover. And jump up at every noise. And watch her daughter sleep, waving her fingers under Maddie's nose, to make sure she was breathing.

She smiled to herself as she padded over to Maddie's cradle. She had set up a whole nursery in the other bedroom and then, the day she went into labor, she'd made Tandy help her move the cradle into her room.

_They were standing in the middle of the nursery. "This is ridiculous, sweetheart," Tandy said, frowning. "You're going to have a baby any minute. You can't be moving things around now. If you still want to move it, we can do it later."_

_Rayna shook her head. "I want to do it now. If I don't do it now, it won't happen. I want her in the room with me at first. And I'm not going to have this baby any minute. It will be hours before we even go to the hospital." Her contractions were still irregular and had felt more like waves, not gentle waves but not overly angry ones either. She was still holding onto the foot of the crib. "Please, Tandy, help me."_

_Tandy looked around the room until her eyes lit on the cradle in the corner. She looked back at Rayna. "What about the cradle? I think that would actually be perfect." Rayna looked over at the pretty little cradle her friends Pam Tillis and Martina McBride had given her. Another contraction wave washed over her then and she held her breath and pressed her hand against her belly. Tandy rushed over, concern on her face. "Babe, are you okay?"_

_Rayna looked at her and rolled her eyes. "It was just a contraction." She held up her hand as her sister started to protest. "I promise, it's not that bad. And we're a long way from heading to the hospital." She looked back at the cradle as the contraction eased. "I had forgotten about the cradle. I think that would be perfect. Help me move it in my bedroom."_

She stood over the cradle, looking down at Maddie, her tiny face all screwed up. The cradle _had_ been perfect and she was happy to have her baby close to her. She felt the need to nurse, so she hoped Maddie's cries were cries of hunger. She smiled at her daughter. "Good morning, sweet girl," she cooed. "Are you ready to nurse?" Maddie, of course, didn't answer, but looked at her mother with her deep blue eyes as her cries quieted a little.

She reached in and picked up her daughter, carrying her into the nursery, where the glider was located. She picked up a burp cloth and then sat down. She unbuttoned the front of her nightgown and moved the sleeve down as she opened it up. She arranged Maddie in her arms and pointed her in the direction of her breast. To her relief, Maddie grabbed on immediately and began to nurse. Rayna sighed, leaning back in the chair and closing her eyes as she felt the gentle, rhythmic tugging.

Today was the day, she'd decided. Today was the day she'd end any lingering, hopeful questions about who Maddie's father was. She had needed a minute to just let it all sink in, knowing that both Maddie's life and her father's life, as well as her own, would be forever changed. She'd received the paternity results the day before and had cried both tears of relief and a bit of sorrow. She opened her eyes and looked down at Maddie, thinking about the fact that she so clearly looked like her father that it didn't even require the test. She leaned her head back again and thought about how she had come to this point.

_**~nashville~**_

Rayna walked into the waiting room. There were about seven or eight other women there, some alone, a few with a male significant other, who she automatically assumed was a husband. Then she stopped herself. _She_ certainly didn't have one of those. She wondered if, in the future, someone would come with her to appointments like this.

She noticed the surreptitious looks. The glances. Those who were with someone probably whispered "that's Rayna Jaymes". It happened. There were a lot of famous people in Nashville, in spite of it being such a small city. Most people left celebrities alone. It was that unwritten rule and so she didn't anticipate anyone approaching her. She got a few shy smiles as she walked to the front desk to sign in. She wrote her name on the sign in sheet and then smiled at the receptionist when she opened the window.

"Hey. I have a ten o'clock appointment."

The receptionist nodded. "We'll be with you shortly, Ms. Jaymes."

Rayna smiled again and then walked over to sit in a chair that was away from the others. She picked up the _Country Weekly_ magazine and leafed through it. She stopped when she got to a page with a picture of her on it. She sighed.

The picture was of her and Deacon, taken several years earlier. She was leaning into him, with her mic, and they were clearly singing to each other. It was in the days just before she really broke out, back before she put together a band and started headlining her own shows. While she loved the career she had these days, back then it always felt like they were a little closer to the music, closer to the fans. She glanced at the headline – _"What's Next for Rayna Jaymes?"_ The article was close to six months old now and it was written after she'd broken up with Deacon and fired him from her band.

She worked hard to keep his multiple trips to rehab out of the press but his substance abuse issues were widely known and remarked upon in the country music community. The decisions she'd made had been tough, but necessary. The previous eleven years with Deacon had been magical in so many ways. But they had also been some of the most painful and tumultuous of her life. Despite it all, though, she'd had a difficult time cutting ties with him completely.

He was the love of her life and she'd always said he was in her blood. She'd met him when she was a nervous but excited sixteen year old, trying to start a career in country music. It had been her dream for as long as she could remember. Her father had not been supportive and she had felt very alone as she tried to navigate the world of opens mics and talent spotlights, honky tonks and dive bars.

She had met Deacon Claybourne at the Bluebird. He was performing with a woman she later learned was his sister, Beverly. Rayna remembered how nervous she had been when she'd performed at the Bluebird the first time. When she'd gone back and sat in the audience, she wondered if she'd ever feel anything but starstruck. Then she had seen Deacon on stage and had pretty much fallen in love right then and there. The way he sang, the way he played the guitar, it had spoken to her in a way she had never experienced again. It had been like he could see into her soul.

Deacon had introduced himself after he got off stage, something she learned later was out of character for him. He was not the type who made the first move or put himself out there easily, and yet he'd made that effort for her. He told her how good she was and that he hoped to see her again, which had surprised her. His sister, with a sour scowl on her face, had come up then and dragged him away. As she watched him walk away, all she could remember was how much she had wanted to see him again.

The next time she was at the Bluebird, he was there. At the end of the night, she had asked him if he'd teach her how to play the guitar. He'd been a little reluctant at first, but then he agreed. She smiled to herself. Even if he thought he wasn't a good teacher, he was. She just wasn't the best student.

She also met Watty White that night, who ended up being the one who matched her up with Deacon, when his sister went back to Mississippi. The rest, as they say, was history.

She closed the magazine, not really wanting to read the article again. She knew what was there. Speculation about why she'd broken up with Deacon, speculation on who she'd replace him with as her guitar player, their long romantic history, her Belle Meade background versus his wrong side of the tracks upbringing. She frowned a little. People didn't know Deacon the way she did.

"Rayna?" The nurse who called her name roused her from her musings and she looked up and smiled. She put the magazine aside and got up. She could feel all eyes in the room on her as she walked to the door.

There would be more of this in the future. People would be staring, watching, wondering what was next for Rayna Jaymes. She took a deep breath when the nurse left the room after giving her instructions on getting undressed and into the gown. As she removed her clothes and slipped into the exam gown, she thought about what was next. She put her hand on her still flat abdomen. Before long, it wouldn't be and the world would know Rayna Jaymes was pregnant.

She got up on the exam table. She had never expected this to happen to her. At least not this way and not at this time. One thing she had always been was careful. About _everything_. She never left things to chance, never let herself get so caught up in something that she wasn't in control. But that was exactly what had happened to her.

She supposed most people would assume that the nice man she'd been dating, Teddy Conrad, was the father. It would be a logical assumption. She had started dating Teddy not too long after she'd broken up with Deacon and they had been sleeping together much of that time, not that she told people that. Usually Teddy would stay at her place, but occasionally they stayed at his. His place was nicer but she preferred being in her own space.

Teddy was a kind, gentle, considerate lover. They never did anything crazy, like sex in the shower or with her sitting on the kitchen counter. She didn't remember ever gasping for breath or feeling sweaty afterwards. He had never been so hot for her that he just pushed her skirt up around her hips and took her wherever they found a private place. It wasn't his style.

She squirmed a little on the table and then crossed her legs. No, sex with Teddy was nice but definitely not like that. In fact, sometimes it felt like he was being almost reverential, which kind of bothered her. He also never failed to wear a condom, although her research had confirmed that condoms weren't a hundred percent effective. She twisted her hands together as she considered that very small possibility.

If Teddy wasn't the father, though, then it meant only one other man it could be.

_Deacon._

She felt a sob bubble up in her chest and she breathed in deeply. He was her weakness. Had been since she'd first laid eyes on him. She had never truly been able to give him up, although she'd hidden that well. She shivered. There had been that night she'd seen him at Tootsie's, about two months after she'd started dating Teddy. He wasn't drunk – yet – but he'd had a few. And she'd had a few. And her defenses were down and she didn't think about the new relationship she was building with someone else. They had ended up in a bathroom with the door locked, her skirt up around her waist and him deep inside her as she wound her arms around his neck and threaded her fingers through his hair.

There was another time when she ran into him at Sound Check. His eyes had seemed to be undressing her. She'd felt the heat coursing through her body, and she could tell he knew that too, and he'd hustled her into a closet. She had pressed her clenched fist over her mouth to mask the little screams of pleasure, as she pressed herself against the wall and he'd ripped off her panties and taken her roughly, driving her practically insane with desire.

And, of course, there was that afternoon at the cabin, unexpectedly filled with romance. It had been right after she'd gone public with her relationship with Teddy. Deacon had been furious, had shown up drunk at her apartment and broken every stick of furniture in it. She had huddled in the hallway, shaking with fear, as she waited for Coleman to come and take him away. She'd sent him to rehab, for the fourth time and thought she'd washed her hands of him for good. He had left early, though, and she'd been worried. She had finally tracked him to the cabin and tried to talk him into going back and finishing rehab.

He had begged her to break up with Teddy, to make a life with him. He wanted to marry her, he said, but she told him she couldn't unless he went back to rehab. He had promised her he would and then made love to her in front of the fire and later in their bed. They hadn't been able to keep their hands off each other and she'd felt all those things she never felt with Teddy Conrad.

When she left and went back to Nashville, she had felt encouraged. Teddy was out of town and she had decided to tell him, when he returned, that she wanted to break up. She had thought, wrongly as it turned out, that Deacon was committed to sobriety and to her, that he'd figured it out, somehow, finally.

But two days later, when she hadn't heard from Deacon, she had a bad feeling in her gut. He wasn't at home and no one had seen him. She sent Coleman to the cabin, where he'd found Deacon passed out. Sadly, she had arranged for one more stay in rehab, a long-term program, and told him he was out of her life for good. He begged her to reconsider, but she'd been resolute in her conviction that he would never change. Yes, he was her weakness and he had proved it yet again. She had let herself be fooled, let herself be tricked, let her guard down at the worst possible time. She told him she wouldn't do it again.

And now she was pregnant and it didn't really take much guessing to figure out whose baby it was or when it had happened. But her doctor was the one who'd first told her that a condom wasn't a hundred percent safe, when she'd come in for the pregnancy test, leading her to frantically research confirming information, and that was the only reason she couldn't completely rule out Teddy. Now she was left wondering what to do. Wondering what conclusions people would draw. Then deciding it was no one's business except hers. Well, and Teddy's and Deacon's.

That was what kept her up at night these days. What to tell them. She and Teddy weren't together anymore. After what had happened at the cabin, she'd had to acknowledge that, while she liked him, she wasn't committed to him. She didn't want to mislead him and she didn't want to string him along. Even though she'd cut ties with Deacon, yet again, she didn't want to go running back to Teddy. But if it turned out he was the father, then he would be back in her life. And then there was Deacon. The man she loved in spite of all the hell he'd put her through. But Deacon, well, Deacon was in rehab. Again.

Just then the door opened and Dr. Norris came in. "Hey there, Rayna," she said, smiling warmly. "Let's get going with your first pre-natal visit, shall we?"

* * *

As she drove home, Rayna felt introspective. Dr. Norris had done an ultrasound and she had seen the baby, just the size of a peanut, really. But it made it real. _I'm pregnant. I'm having a baby._ She felt tears in her eyes and she smiled just a little, briefly putting her hand over her abdomen. She had always known she wanted to be a mother. She knew she was meant for it. She and Deacon had talked about it, almost always in general terms. She'd always assumed she and Deacon would get married and have a family. That they would live at the cabin, as they'd talked about since Deacon had bought it, raising up their children in a loving home. But his struggles with alcohol and, later, pills, had meant that all of those plans were on hold. Or at least they had been until that magical night at the cabin that had turned into a nightmare at the light of day.

She choked on a sob. She wanted to be his wife. She wanted that life they'd always talked about having. She wanted to grow old with him, loving each other and playing music. But she couldn't marry an alcoholic. At least not one who couldn't figure out how to stay sober. He was in rehab for the fifth time and she'd given up thinking he'd ever make it work. She'd cried herself to sleep the night Coleman had taken him this last time, putting him into a six month intensive residential program, far away from Nashville. She feared that this would be his life from now on. That he would do rehab, stay sober for a while, and then fall back into old habits. Until he died from it.

Her heart ached, for him, for herself, for the baby inside her that was probably theirs. They should be doing this together, but she just didn't see how that would work. She couldn't depend on him and that kind of life would not be good for raising a baby. She didn't know what to do next. She needed some time and space to figure it out. She went back to the little apartment she'd rented in the West End, the one she'd moved to after Deacon had found the first one and broken every stick of furniture in it, after he'd found out about Teddy, and before that night at the cabin. She walked into her bedroom and straight to her closet, pulling out a small overnight suitcase, one she usually used for accessories when she went out on the road. She wouldn't need much, just some jeans and t-shirts and underwear, which she packed in a hurry.

* * *

She was glad it was a full moon night. The moon itself was low in the sky and lit up the water so fully that it was nearly bright as day. She sat in her car and sighed, wondering what it was that brought her here, of all places. Finally, she opened the door and got out, grabbing her suitcase from the back seat. She walked up the steps and slowly down the porch. The last time she'd been here, she'd been filled with hope and laughter, love and dreams, although those dreams had been shattered just days later. She wondered if, when the sun rose the next day, she'd feel the same.

She set down the suitcase and felt along the top step that led out to the lawn for the key Deacon always left there. Her fingers touched it, sleek and cool, and she drew it out. She went to the door and inserted the key, unlocking the sliding door. She slid it open and, picking up her suitcase, walked in. She reached along the wall for the light switch and turned it on, then gasped.

The place was a wreck. Overturned furniture, records tossed everywhere, empty bottles and half-empty bottles of whiskey on the counter, and a few smashed on the floor. She put her hand over her mouth as she navigated around the mess. Her stomach turned over as she considered what had happened there. She felt tears in her eyes. Her instinct was to want to help him, but she also knew it really was up to him to help himself.

As she looked around the room, she thought back to that day when Coleman had called her, after she'd sent him to the cabin. Cole's voice was steady and unemotional, but she knew it must have been killing him inside. She knew he was afraid Deacon would never be able to conquer his demons and, quite honestly, she wasn't sure he would be able to either. It would be Deacon's fifth try at this. He'd been angry and belligerent about it, she knew, and had fought it, although eventually he'd given in.

She sighed and sat on the edge of the couch. What had Cole said later? _He was in bad shape, Rayna. About the worst I've ever seen him._ As she looked around the room, she understood. Her chest hurt and she felt tears again. He was a mess. His life was a mess. She hoped this longer program worked, but she admitted to herself she had little confidence.

She got up and picked up a half-empty whiskey bottle on the floor, carrying it to the kitchen. She poured out the rest of the liquor, then dragged the trash can out from under the sink. She took a deep breath and tossed the bottle in the can, then started to put the cabin back in order.

* * *

The sun was bright the next day when she woke up. She was laying in the bed she and Deacon had slept in the last time she was there. And all the other times they had been there. She stretched carefully, her body feeling a little stiff already after the cleanup from the night before. It was after midnight when she'd crawled into bed, still fully dressed, and cried herself to sleep.

This house had been magical for them, for a while. Deacon had bought it for her after he'd gotten out of rehab the first time. His way of thanking her for sticking by him. It was her dream home, one she'd seen in her mind her whole life, and she'd been stunned at how much it looked like what she'd envisioned.

It had been their safe place, for years. It was where they came to get away from the demons that chased him. It was going to be the place they retreated to when they finally decided to leave the music business behind. It would be a place to grow old in, with their children and grandchildren, living on love and music. None of that seemed possible now though.

She pulled the covers around her, not wanting to get up and face what she'd come here to do. It was the perfect place to reflect, to make decisions, to plan, but she wasn't ready yet to do that. She reached down and put her hand on her stomach. For now, she wanted to just relax into the idea of this baby, keep it her own little secret. She didn't want to decide anything. She just wanted to be alone. The time would come soon enough when she wouldn't be able to keep it close, just for herself. She would need to tell Tandy, tell Bucky, tell Deacon and Teddy. But not just yet.

For now she just wanted this place to work its magic, let her clear her mind, let her keep the outside world at bay, and just relax. For just a little while she needed to not have to worry about what was next. She wrapped her arms around the pillow and closed her eyes, letting herself drift back to sleep. Blessed, healing sleep.

* * *

The sun was just starting to go down and it looked like it was setting the lake on fire. Rayna walked out onto the porch, with a blanket wrapped around her. It was chilly in the evenings, especially now that the sun set earlier in the day. She sat in one of the chairs, tucking one of her legs under the other and pulled the blanket a little closer. Suddenly there were tears on her cheeks and she wanted to blame them on the cool breeze, but she knew it was that being in this place, knowing it was such a special place to her and to Deacon, and also knowing the baby inside her was conceived here, made her heart break for all the lost opportunities for them.

She wiped the tears away with the blanket and took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. She'd met Deacon Claybourne when she was sixteen years old and had fallen in love with him the first time she laid eyes on him. When he'd told her it had been the same for him, she wasn't sure if she believed him or not. She had worried that he only wanted sex – probably because Tandy told her that – but he'd been so protective of her from the start and he'd never taken advantage of her. She had instinctively known that, when her father had kicked her out of the house, Deacon would take her in, protect her. Not that she'd needed protecting, but it would always be his way to want to stand in the way of any obstacles she faced.

She hadn't realized back then how truly dark his past had been, how pervasive his demons were, and how hard they chased him. She had watched him descend deeper and deeper into his own personal hell, using cheap whiskey to cover up the pain. She had held him when he had nightmares, paced the floors when he was late coming home, fought with him over how the booze was taking him over. The fights were brutal, rage-filled, and draining. She'd lost count of the times she'd bailed him out of jail, found him passed out in a bar or a hotel room, traced him to a hospital. There had been too many times when she thought he was dead or would die. She wiped her eyes again.

But she had loved him, known it was impossible to break away from him. When he was sober, he was loving, and he made her heart race. The music they created was from their hearts and when they sang onstage, it felt like the world around them had faded away and they were the only two in it. The lovemaking had been both passionate and sweet, as they completely lost themselves in each other. He was in her bloodstream, as much a part of her as breathing. But being the partner of an alcoholic had worn her down to the point that she could barely make it through a day without crying. She had watched him go to rehab – once, twice, three times – and though she always welcomed him back, it never stopped being the battle they fought.

It had been while he was in rehab the fourth time when she found out she was pregnant, and now he was there a fifth time. At times it had felt hopeless, and she knew she couldn't live her life like this. She couldn't let her baby be in the middle of it.

She closed her eyes and started to cry. She cried for the sweet young man she'd met all those years ago. The man who tried to teach her to play guitar and had been patient with her, even when she got angry at him about it. He'd written the most beautiful song for her, without even knowing her, and it had swept her off her feet. He'd taught her almost everything about songwriting and then together, they had written the most beautiful love songs to each other. He was always the one she ran to, when things went wrong. He was gentle with her, loving her in a way she'd known was a forever kind of love. She looked back out over the lake, the sky almost dark.

She still loved him and that was the truth. She had wanted to marry him, raise a family together, but she'd held back. The demons that chased him chased her too. They upended her life, caused her grief and pain, and she was almost never sure she was doing it right. All she did know was that, in spite of it all, she still loved him, she didn't know how not to. She had cast her lot with him the day she met him, and while she could leave him, she couldn't not care.

And now here they were, although he didn't know it yet, and she wasn't at all sure what to do.

* * *

She thought about what she should do next, what her options were. She considered that maybe coming to this place wasn't the smartest thing to do, in light of the decisions she needed to make. Her choices were that she could say nothing – to anyone – and just have this baby. She could tell Teddy the baby was his, even if that were unlikely. She could tell Deacon the baby was his, although she thought he might not even suspect.

She didn't think saying nothing would be right. It would mean denying her baby, and her baby's father, of having that relationship, so she discarded that. Telling Teddy could mean a number of things. She could tell him he might not be the father or she could just tell him that condoms aren't a hundred percent effective. She could let him believe this child was his, raise it up with him, and no one would be the wiser. They would probably get married and both she and her baby would be loved and have that solid life she craved, after all the crazy of the last eleven years. She could tell Deacon, who probably wouldn't even remember they were together. It was the curse of his years of drinking – blackouts that meant he would forget hours, or even days, at a time. Time that was gone to the murky world of drowning demons with booze. Or she could tell them both and let the chips fall where they may.

What scared her the most was what, deep in her heart and soul, she knew was true – this was Deacon's baby. She had just untethered her life from his and this could mean living with his struggle for the rest of her life. Through all the pain, she had never not loved him, but she couldn't live her life like that. She had come to realize that and she just didn't think she could go back to it. It had felt like she had come out from the darkness and into the light, shedding those burdens and heartaches, and the thought of going back to it, even for the sake of this child, left her feeling broken down.

_Can I go back to that, even just a little bit? Is it worth it for my baby's sake? Could I live my life – and my baby's life – with a lie? But can I live my life always wondering, always worrying, always waiting for the next binge or worse?_

There were no easy answers and it felt like she was no closer to figuring it out than when she came.

* * *

It had been three days since she'd come to the cabin. Three days of rest and peace. The days were crisp, the nights chilly enough for a blanket. She was ready to go home though. As she stood on the porch with a mug of tea, looking out over the calmness of the lake, she felt settled. She'd be back on tour in ten days and she would need to talk to Bucky about how long she could go. She had an album dropping just after Thanksgiving that she would be previewing on the road that she was really excited about. She had some shopping to do, because her jeans were already fitting more snugly.

She had decided she was going to do this on her own, and so she'd need to talk to Tandy, because she'd need her sister's support more than ever. And, of course, she needed to talk to Deacon and Teddy. Not telling them both the truth was just not an option.

She took a deep breath and then turned to walk back into the house. She looked around, noting to herself that it looked better than it had when she'd arrived. It had felt a little bit like, as she was putting the room back in place, she was putting the pieces of her life back in place too. She'd had a lot of big moments in her life, but she was getting ready to embark on the biggest one yet. She felt nervous and scared, but also excited for what was to come. Now she just needed to get back to Nashville and embark upon her plan.

She went to the kitchen and washed out her mug. She dried it and put it back in the cabinet. She wiped down the counters and then picked up her purse. She grabbed her overnight case and headed out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Rayna put Maddie on her shoulder and gently patted her back until she burped. Loudly. Rayna laughed softly, always surprised at how such a lusty sounding burp could come from such a tiny baby. Maddie was just shy of two weeks old. Tandy had stayed with them the first week Maddie was home and Rayna missed her. Her sister been a rock and a great support, something she hadn't expected. After some early arguments about Rayna's dalliance with Deacon, Tandy had mostly left it alone, concentrating on being a buffer between Lamar and her.

She sighed. As she pushed the glider back and forth, she thought about how her father had reacted when he found out she was pregnant. Tandy had told him, something she'd been eternally grateful for. First of all, she had no idea how she would have told him, and second of all, she knew it would have ended in a fight and she would have stormed out. Not that it hadn't happened after all, but at least he'd been given some time to digest it. Of course it hadn't stopped him from weighing in on it, from his tirade about yet another example of her foolishness and her poor judgment in not staying away from Deacon, as well as his advice to her not to tell him.

_She eased herself out of the passenger seat of Tandy's car and walked to the bottom of the steps leading up to the front door. She was already sorry she'd agreed to go with Tandy to Easter dinner at their father's house. She had put her foot down about church services. She was less than three weeks away from her due date and sitting on a wooden pew did not sound like her idea of comfort. Dinner would be bad enough. Her father had mostly stopped with his lectures on her choices, in large part because she had avoided him as much as possible and he had agreed, albeit reluctantly, to keep his opinions to himself._

"_I'm sorry you weren't comfortable, sweetheart," Tandy asked when she got out of the car and joined Rayna._

_Rayna looked at her sister and rolled her eyes. "I'm never comfortable these days, Tandy," she said, hearing the irritation in her voice. Not only was she not comfortable, but she knew she was cranky and out of sorts. She was tired of being pregnant and was ready for her daughter to arrive. She would have been overjoyed if Maddie decided to be early. She had decided on Madeline Virginia for her daughter's name. Both her sister and father had been pleased she'd chosen to honor Virginia Wyatt. She ran her hands over her belly. "My back hurts, my feet hurt, my ankles are swollen, and Maddie has decided to take up residence right on my bladder, it seems like. This part of being pregnant is not fun."_

_Tandy smiled compassionately. "It's almost over though," she said. "And then you'll have your sweet baby girl." She ran her hand up and down the back of Rayna's arm soothingly._

_Rayna looked back at her sister and smiled, trying to set aside her irritation. "You're right. I keep thinking about that part." She breathed in and then let it out. She looked up at the house, the one she'd grown up in and left at the age of sixteen, then slid her arm through Tandy's. "Let's go do our daughterly duty," she said._

_They walked up the steps together and then Tandy opened the door and let Rayna walk in first. "Daddy?" she called out._

_Lamar Wyatt walked out of his study, into the foyer. He had that smile on his face that always gave Rayna a chill up and down her spine. That smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, the one that almost looked reptilian, cold and unfeeling. "Happy Easter," he said congenially, kissing first Tandy, then Rayna, on the cheek. He looked at his younger daughter. "I trust you're feeling well, Rayna."_

_She forced her performance smile on her face. "Of course, Daddy," she said._

_He smiled at her. "Well, let's go on in to the dining room. Maggie has dinner almost ready."_

* * *

_The dinner conversation was somewhat stiff and formal, as Rayna always remembered it being when she'd lived there. Her father brought up no controversial topics, kept things businesslike. She ignored her father and sister as they talked mostly about Wyatt Industries latest projects, allowing herself to drift off into her own thoughts. Deacon was going to stop by her apartment later, something he was doing now that he was home from rehab. He had promised her he wanted to be involved with their daughter and he was also trying, she knew, to impress her with his sincerity and determination to stay sober. She felt confused still, though, trying not to let how she felt about him cloud her judgment as far as Maddie was concerned._

_The last time he'd come by, he'd walked up behind her while she was fixing tea. He put his hands on her waist and kissed her shoulder, then trailed his lips up her neck. Warning bells had gone off, but he was her weakness and he was hard to resist. She had leaned back against him and closed her eyes, letting her guard down. She'd felt his hands slide from her waist to her belly and then up under her breasts, all the while placing little kisses along her shoulder and neck. She had felt that heavy pressure between her legs, a little spiral of desire awakening inside her. She moaned a little in her throat and he let one hand drift up to her breast. When he had rubbed his thumb over her nipple, her eyes had flown open and she had pulled away._

"_Rayna? Sweetheart?" Tandy's voice pulled her out of her daydream and back to the present. She felt heat in her face as she realized she had that same heavy fullness in her core, just thinking about that moment. She looked at her sister, unable to speak. Tandy frowned slightly. "How long are you planning to stay off the road?"_

_She took a deep breath, trying to calm her warring emotions. Hormones, she kept telling herself, it was all just pregnancy hormones. She forced a smile to her face. "I'd like to take a year off, just to get used to being a mom, bond with Maddie. You know." She laughed a little. "Bucky would like me to go back sooner, so we'll see who wins that battle."_

_Tandy smiled then. "I'm betting on you, babe."_

_Rayna looked at her sister, then her father, deciding now was as good a time as any to tell them. "I've decided to let Deacon come see her when she's born." She could see her father's scowl. "He wants to and I think it's the right thing to do."_

_Lamar threw his napkin on the table. "You don't even know for sure that he's the father, Rayna," he said, his voice loud but controlled. "I don't know why it doesn't embarrass you that you aren't a hundred percent sure about that. It makes you seem…promiscuous. Naïve."_

_She gasped. She started to respond back, but then decided better of it. She put her napkin on the table and pushed back her chair, standing up. She looked at Tandy. "I'm ready to go," she said. "I'm really exhausted." She turned and started for the door._

"_It's the truth, Rayna. When you decided to tell that man, you lost all your options," Lamar called after her. "Once again, you're tarnishing the Wyatt name."_

_She turned back to him, her eyes flashing with anger. "I gave up the Wyatt name, remember, Daddy? So I can't possibly 'tarnish' it now." She turned her eyes towards her sister, raising her eyebrows as if to ask if she were coming. Tandy hurried around the table and took Rayna's arm._

He'd come around though. At least from the standpoint that he didn't turn his back on his granddaughter. He'd waited to come see her until she came home from the hospital, bearing what seemed like a mountain of gifts for Maddie. The way he'd held his newborn granddaughter and smiled at her – a genuine smile, something Rayna hadn't seen in a while – and talked softly to her had brought a tear to Rayna's eye and a lump in her throat. She attributed that to hormones too.

_**~nashville~**_

Rayna let herself into her apartment, dropping the overnight case by the front door. She walked back to her bedroom and laid down on her bed. She'd been fortunate not to have had morning sickness, but she had found herself to be overwhelmingly tired at times during the day. Dr. Norris had told her this was normal and to take naps when she could. She had slept a lot while she was at the cabin, afternoon naps being a lifesaver for her. As she felt herself drifting off, she let her mind wander to how she would handle talking to both Deacon and Teddy. She hadn't spent any time thinking that through, just knowing that at some point she would need to. Sleep overtook her, though, before she could get far.

She was awakened by the phone ringing insistently. She sat up, disoriented, her heart beating rapidly. She took a couple of shallow breaths and then reached for the phone on her bedside table. "Hello?" she barked out, hearing the quiver in her voice.

"Rayna? Where have you been?" Bucky, her manager, sounded a little frantic.

She had no idea what could be so urgent. She had no publicity events until the tour started and that was a little over a week away. "Just out of town, Buck," she said, a little irritated. "What's going on?"

"Well, several things, actually. The Opry wants you to perform the day after tomorrow. And you have that Symphony Ball appearance and they asked if you could do a couple songs."

She breathed in and out. "I'm sorry, Buck. I just needed a few days away. I went to, well, I went to Deacon's cabin and you know there's no phone service there."

She heard Bucky sigh on the other end of the line. "I didn't realize you still went up there," he said.

"Well, I don't, but Deacon's not there, of course, and it just seemed like the perfect place to go." She bit her lip. "I'm sorry I didn't let you know." Bucky wasn't a hoverer, but he _was_ her manager and handled a lot of things for her, so it wasn't out of the ordinary for him to call her at odd times. She wondered if now was the time to tell him about her pregnancy, but she couldn't make the words come out of her mouth. "I would be happy to do the Opry, you know that. If they still have a place." She still dreamed about being invited to be a member, so she didn't want to say no when they asked.

"They're always happy to fit you in, so I'll confirm that. And what about the symphony thing?"

She sighed heavily. She'd gone to the Symphony Ball for almost as long as she could remember. It was something her mother loved since she was a young girl and, once they were married, her father had learned to love it as well. She and Tandy still went, although she nearly always went reluctantly. Especially after her father had kicked her out of the house when she was sixteen, being around him had not been her favorite thing to do. In the early days, she'd gotten Deacon to go with her, as much to annoy Lamar Wyatt as because she wanted him to come with her. But Deacon was not a Symphony Ball type and he never had a good time, in large part because Lamar baited him. After the second time he'd gotten wasted at the event, she'd stopped bringing him. "Sure," she said. "I can do a couple songs. Can you arrange for a couple of my guitar players to be there?" She smiled to herself. "Tell them they can dress down and they aren't required to stay."

"I can do that," Bucky said. "And Rayna?"

"Yeah, Buck?"

"Don't go off again where I can't reach you. Unless you tell me first."

She laughed softly. "I promise. And I also promise I won't go off anywhere from now until we get back on the road. At least without telling you."

"Sounds good. I'll see you day after tomorrow then."

"Bye, Buck." She hung up the phone and laid back down on the bed. In just a little over a week, her real life would take back over. She'd spent so much time focusing on getting her head around the fact that she was pregnant, that there was at least a little uncertainty around the identity of the father, and that this would change her life forever, that she'd actually not been consumed with her career. But it was time to get back to that and so she got up then and went to her closet to pick out something for the Opry.

* * *

Rayna stood in her dressing room, after having sent out her glam squad. She looked at herself in the mirror, first straight on, then turning to the side. She pressed her hand gently on her stomach. She could feel the little pooch, even though it was easily hidden, but she was only a little more than eleven weeks pregnant. She was conscious of the tightness in the bodice area of the dress. One thing that _had_ changed was that her breasts had gotten a little larger. They were also tender, something her doctor told her was normal. She tried to ignore it, forcing herself to think of other things.

She'd been reading some of the pregnancy books she'd squirreled away in her luggage. Everything she was experiencing seemed normal. She had read that her moods could change and she did feel like she was having more diva dips, but mostly everyone just waited them out, like always. She was still tired more often and she would take advantage of the bus rides between tour stops to take long naps. It was harder to stay for the full after party if she hadn't had enough rest, so that was high on her priority list.

There was a knock on the door and she turned, as Bucky stuck his head in. "You ready?" he asked.

She smiled. "I'm ready," she said, heading towards him.

As they walked the hall towards the stage, Bucky gave her all the details. "We've got a full house tonight. You'll start with 'American Beauty', final encore is 'Already Gone'. You know we have the runway here, so use it as much as you can. We'll have the one outfit change after 'Cumberland Girl'."

She made a face. "Let's skip the outfit change tonight," she said. She did not think she could stand having a dress jerked up over her breasts and then another one slid on. They seemed more tender than normal and a costume change just added a little awkward time.

Bucky looked surprised, but nodded. "No problem. So, after the show we have a car to take you back to the hotel and we have the after party at the rooftop event space. You'll have probably forty-five minutes to rest up and change, if you want. Really big program directors and marketing folks here tonight." They were in New York, where some of the major country radio groups were located, so there were always more heavy hitters here than anywhere other than Nashville. He smirked at her. "Gotta have that sparkling Rayna charm on display tonight."

She laughed and patted his arm. "Not to worry. I will be on top of my game, I promise." They had arrived at the stage and she turned to him. "Thanks, Buck." She waited while the mic was attached to her neckline and the buds fitted into her ears.

He smiled. "Go be amazing," he said.

She laughed again and headed for the steps, turning slightly to give him a wave. Then she headed out onto the stage, as the applause swelled. She stopped and lifted her arms over her head, waving enthusiastically and smiling. This was what she lived for. She forgot all about tender breasts and her hips being just the tiniest bit wider and the fact that she would have to rethink her stage costumes before long. She forgot about babies and fathers of babies and what her life was going to be like soon enough. The opening notes of 'American Beauty' came from behind her and she strutted out towards the runway and set about giving her audience an amazing show.

* * *

She had three more weeks on the tour, but she was at the point where she was having a harder time disguising her pregnancy. She'd had her stylist rush her several pairs of pants, all a size larger. She had explained it away as poor eating habits, something she'd definitely have to address after the tour was over. But as she stood in front of the full-length mirror in her hotel room in Charlotte, there was no denying it any longer. Her stomach was starting to noticeably pooch out. Her breasts had seemed like they were growing overnight. She had passed her first trimester and had considered herself lucky that she hadn't gained too much weight, but her luck was running out.

It had been a week earlier, in Richmond, when she couldn't get her dress zipped up. She had burst into tears and she was certain her stylist was suspicious. Even the shiny denim slacks wouldn't zip over her bump, but she was able to cover it up with a loose fitting top that draped to her hips. She still worried that her slacks would suddenly, and embarrassingly, slide down during the show, but the button fastener held, although it felt constricting at her waist.

They would be leaving in an hour, headed for Charleston, and she sat down on the bed and burst into tears again. Her emotions were all over the place, suddenly, and she couldn't seem to contain them. Her phone rang and, worried that it would be Bucky, she picked it up, breathing in to steady her nerves. "Hello?" she said softly.

There was a brief pause. "What's wrong, Rayna?" came Tandy's worried voice.

"Nothing's wrong," she snapped. "What makes you think something's wrong?"

"You sound like you've been crying."

"I haven't been…." Then she couldn't hold it back any longer and she let out a choked sob.

"Babe, what is it?" Tandy asked again.

Rayna wrapped her free arm around her waist and closed her eyes. She couldn't keep this to her herself any longer. "I'm pregnant," she whispered.

"You're _what_?" Tandy sounded shocked. "How could you be pregnant?"

Rayna made a face. "By having sex, Tandy, how do you think?" she said flippantly.

"You know what I mean. You and Teddy broke up weeks ago. How far along _are_ you?"

Rayna swallowed and took a deep breath. "Ten weeks." It was closer to thirteen, but somehow ten didn't sound as bad.

"Ten weeks? Seriously?" She could hear Tandy huff on the other line. "Did you and Teddy get back together?"

Rayna shook her head. "No." She took a deep breath. "It's probably not Teddy's."

"Then whose is it? Who else could it be?"

Rayna bit down on her lip and felt the tears well up again. "It's probably Deacon's," she said softly.

"Deacon's? How the hell could it be _Deacon's_?" She could hear the anger in Tandy's voice. "Please don't tell me you were stupid enough to get back together with him, Rayna."

Her stomach started to hurt. "Stop it, Tandy. We're _not_ back together," she said, and she suddenly felt overwhelmingly exhausted in that moment. "I just need you to be there for me. Not lecture me."

She could picture her sister on the other end of the phone, fighting to keep from blasting her. "Rayna, I just don't know what to say," Tandy said finally. "How in the hell could you let this happen?"

"I didn't _let_ it happen, Tandy," she said sharply. "But it doesn't matter anymore how it happened. It _did_ happen. And now I've going to have a baby." She felt emotional again. "And I _need_ you," she said, hating how shaky her voice sounded.

Tandy was quiet on the other end, then finally said, "We'll figure it out. You'll be back in Nashville in a couple weeks, right?"

She was finishing the leg in Nashville. "Yes. Three weeks."

"We'll work it out, sweetie." Tandy's voice sounded calmer now and more supportive. But Rayna wondered. "Do you need anything between now and when you get home?"

"No," Rayna said, feeling dejected. "I'll be fine." She sat up straight then, reaching up to wipe the tears off her face. She breathed in. "I'm fine," she said again, feeling more in control. "You know what? I'm actually happy. I'm a little scared, too, because I didn't plan for this to happen and it's probably the worst timing, but you know I've always wanted to be a mama, and I'm so excited for this baby." She frowned then. "What were you calling for?"

"Oh, you know, I don't even remember now," Tandy said, and Rayna was pretty sure that was a lie. She decided not to pursue it though. "I'll see you when you get back to Nashville and we'll come up with a plan." Tandy sounded more calm and understanding then. "Just take care of yourself and we'll figure it all out."

When she hung up the phone, she sighed. Tandy would not make things easy, that she knew for sure. But at least now it was out there and she could put the rest of her plan into motion.

* * *

Rayna pulled her hair back into a ponytail. She was ready to head out to sound check and then, when she got back, her glam squad would be there to get her ready. She had woken up that morning filled with energy. It had surprised her a little, but her doctor had told her it could be like flipping a switch. One day she'd be exhausted and the next she'd be feeling more like herself. This being pregnant thing was a rollercoaster, that was for sure.

As she rode down the elevator, she thought about the fact that she had ten days left on this leg of her tour. When she got back to Nashville, she had a long break and she needed to finish her album. Actually, she'd only recorded three songs, so she had most of the album to go. But she'd written a lot, especially in the aftermath of her break up with Deacon, and many of those songs had yet to be recorded. She'd been proud of what she'd written, the first songs in many years she'd written on her own. She'd learned a lot from writing with Deacon, though, and felt good about what she'd be recording.

Bucky was waiting for her at the venue when she got there and she smiled at him. "Hey, Buck," she said. They started walking down the hallway towards the stage.

"Hey, Rayna. So, just wanted to let you know I nailed down studio time for us after we get back to Nashville. You're still on point for that?" They had talked about taking a week off and then hitting the studio to complete the album. She was a little behind, but she wanted to get it finished. She would need time to get ready for the baby and she wanted the album put to bed well before then.

"Yeah, I am," she said. She took a deep breath and decided to just go for it. "So I should probably tell you that, uh, I'm pregnant." Bucky stopped walking and she had to stop and turn back. She raised her hands up and smiled. "Surprise!"

"You're what?" He looked stunned.

"I'm pregnant. Almost fourteen weeks. I'm still planning to finish the album and I can do radio publicity when we're ready. But I'm gonna want to take some time off when the baby comes. Like maybe a year. So I can get used to being a mama and just have some time to bond with the baby." He still looked stunned. She turned towards the stage and looked back at him. "So I'm gonna go do sound check now. We can figure out the details of my time off later." And then she walked up the steps and onto the stage.

* * *

Rayna peeked into Teddy's office. He was bent over his desk, busily marking up some paperwork. It had been weeks since she'd seen him. He'd tried calling her several times after she had broken up with him, but she never returned the calls and he finally had stopped. She hesitated for a moment, as she watched him, thinking about what she was about to tell him. A part of her wanted to just walk away, forget about that tiny chance that he was the father of her baby, and just take her chances with Deacon. But it didn't feel right. Finally she knocked and he looked up.

He looked surprised for a moment, then smiled and stood up, smoothing down his tie. "Rayna," he said, as he approached her. "This is a surprise. A nice surprise." He took her hands and kissed her on the cheek. "What brings you by?"

She bit her lip and gently pulled her hands away. "I, um, I have something I need to talk to you about. Do you have a few minutes?"

He nodded. "Of course." He gestured towards the chairs in front of his desk. "Let's sit down."

She shook her head. "Not here." She twisted her fingers together. "Um, can you go for a walk?"

He looked puzzled. "Well, sure, if that's what you want."

She nodded. "I do." He put his hand on the small of her back and led her back out the door.

* * *

The silence between them had been awkward. Teddy had tried to engage her in conversation in the elevator, but she had responded with one word answers and he finally gave up. They had walked out to the lawn in front of city hall and she finally stopped and turned to face him. She took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant," she said.

He looked surprised and actually took a step back, as though he'd been punched in the stomach. Which she supposed he kind of had. "What?"

"I'm pregnant. And I needed to tell you because, well, there's a small possibility it could be yours." She wrapped her arms around her waist. "If I'm being completely honest with you, it's actually probably not." She looked off to the side, unable to watch his face. "Around the time I got pregnant, I have to admit to you that I was with someone else."

He grabbed her arm and she turned to look at him. His expression was a mix of confusion and hurt and anger. "I don't understand, Rayna," he said.

She closed her eyes. "I was with someone else. I had…sex with someone else." Her voice trailed off to a whisper. She looked at him then. "I'm so sorry, Teddy. I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did. And that man is probably the father."

He looked at her, at first as though he couldn't comprehend what she was saying. Then she saw something click in his eyes and his face got tight. "Please don't tell me it was Deacon Claybourne," he said, his voice clipped and angry.

She felt tears in her eyes and her heart ached at the hurt she saw on his face. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice low and shaky.

He ran his hands through his hair. "So what does this mean? You're getting back together with him? After all the pain he caused you?"

She shook her head. "No, that's not what this means. I don't, I don't know what I'm gonna do. About that part," she said. "I didn't expect this, Teddy. I didn't plan for it to happen. But it did. I'm having a baby. And I really have to think about what's best for my baby."

He got a desperate look in his eyes then. "But you said it could be mine," he said.

She sighed. "It's a very small possibility," she said. "You know we were always careful, _always_ used protection. But there's always a chance." She twisted her hands together again. "I don't want you to get your hopes up. And I won't know for sure until after the baby's here."

He took a deep breath and turned away for a moment. When he looked back at her, his eyes seemed filled with compassion. "Can I help you in any way?" he asked. "I know there will be publicity around it when the news comes out. Is there something I can do to protect you?"

She appreciated the thought, but shook her head. "I don't think so." She took a deep breath and let it out. "You know I've always kept my private life private. And I don't plan to share anything more than the fact that I'm gonna have a baby. It's really no one's business."

"But you're a single woman, Rayna. Having a baby on your own."

She frowned. "You think I can't handle that?" she asked, hearing the testiness in her voice.

He shook his head. "No, no, I'm not saying that. But don't you worry about, I don't know, the backlash?"

She raised her eyebrows. "I don't know if there's going to be backlash, Teddy. But I don't really care. All I care about is taking care of myself so that I have a happy, healthy baby. And then being the best mama I can be to my baby." She took a deep breath, entwining her fingers again. "Look, I just needed to come tell you. And now I have."

He breathed in and then nodded. "What do you want me to do?"

She sighed. "Nothing, really. But when the time comes, I'll need you to…well, I'll need you to take a paternity test. Because I want to know for sure."

He looked like he wanted to cry, but then he squared his jaw and he nodded. "Okay," he said, his voice flat.

She felt sorry right then, sorry for having hurt him, sorry she didn't love him because she knew he'd be a good father, sorry she'd done what she had. But she couldn't change it and she could only move forward. "Thanks." She put a hand on his arm. She could feel him tense up. "I'm so sorry, Teddy," she said again and then she dropped her hand and walked away, leaving him standing there, lost in his own thoughts.


	3. Chapter 3

She slid forward on the glider and then stood up, holding Maddie close against her shoulder. She rubbed her daughter's back and kissed the top of her head. "You ready for a bath, baby girl?" she asked softly. "Then we can dress you in something really pretty. How about that?" Maddie made a little noise and she rubbed her back again, as she walked over to the bassinet. She laid Maddie down and took off her diaper, cleaning her up, then wrapped her again in the little blanket.

She walked across the hall to the bathroom. Someone had given her a baby bath that was shaped a little like a claw foot tub, which always made her smile. She'd had a beautiful claw foot tub in her bathroom when she was growing up. It was the only thing she'd truly missed when she left. Deacon's apartment bathroom had a basic tub/shower combination and she had shuddered at the idea of taking a nice, soaking bath in that tub. When they had moved into the little bungalow, she had squealed with delight when she saw the claw foot tub in the bathroom there.

She sat on the edge of the tub, holding Maddie tightly, and turned on the water. She held her fingers under the running water until it was the right temperature. Then she moved the baby tub forward and let it fill with water. When it was ready, she carefully unwrapped Maddie and then lowered her into the tub. Maddie's eyes got wide and she made little cooing noises, as Rayna reached for the baby wash. As she carefully bathed her daughter, she thought about how this was another one of those rituals that she loved. It felt soothing to run the wash cloth gently over her daughter's skin, watching her tiny arms wave up and down. When she was done and had wrapped her in a warm, soft towel, she loved smelling her fresh scent and drying off her little body.

She walked back to the nursery and finished drying her, then put a fresh diaper on her. She wrapped her in a swaddling blanket and pulled it up over her wispy damp hair. Then she smiled, leaning over Maddie and running her fingers over her abdomen. "Mama needs to eat something, sweet girl," she said. "Will you be sweet and quiet while I do?" Maddie looked at her intently, as if to say 'of course, Mama'. She smiled again and, picking up Maddie, headed for the kitchen.

She settled Maddie into her baby seat and made tea and toast, periodically checking her daughter over her shoulder. She was just getting ready to sit down when she heard a knock on the door. She frowned, not expecting anyone. She picked Maddie up and walked out to the door. She raised up on her toes and looked out the peephole. Then a smile broke across her face and she pulled open the door.

"Tandy! What are you doing here?" she asked, although it made her happy to see her sister.

Tandy smiled and stepped into the apartment, taking Maddie out of her arms. She pressed a kiss against her niece's forehead, then looked back at her sister. "I've missed you two," she said.

Rayna bounced on her toes and clapped her hands. "We've missed you too. Even better is that you're here at the exact right time. I need to take a shower and get dressed." She headed for the kitchen.

"Where are you going?" Tandy asked, a frown on her face, when she walked into the kitchen.

Rayna sat and pointed at the other chair for Tandy to sit. When her sister was settled, she breathed in, clasping her hands in her lap. "I'm taking Maddie to see her father," she said quietly.

Tandy drew in a sharp breath. "You got the results?" Rayna nodded. "You want to tell me? Not that I need you to do that."

Rayna lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "I think he should be the first to know, officially. So can you stay long enough for me to get a shower and get dressed? Spend a little time with your niece?" She smiled hopefully.

Tandy looked from Rayna to Maddie, then back at Rayna. "I will never say no to time with this precious baby girl," she said, with a smile.

Rayna smiled back, then got up and leaned over to kiss her sister on the cheek. "Thank you. I won't take too long," she said, then hurried back to her bedroom.

_**~nashville~**_

She was flying up to Minnesota the next day to tell Deacon about the baby. She was packing her overnight bag when she heard a knock on the door. She frowned. She wasn't expecting anyone. She stopped what she was doing and walked out to the front door and peered through the peephole. It was Teddy. She opened the door. "Teddy," she said, surprise in her voice. "What are you doing here?"

He looked a little nervous. "Can I come in?" he asked.

"Um, yeah, sure," she said, stepping back to let him enter. She couldn't figure out why he'd be here, but she hoped it wasn't to make a scene. He walked into the living room and she followed him. "What's going on, Teddy?"

He turned to face her. "I've been thinking about what you told me, Rayna, and I know you said you can do this on your own, but I wanted to tell you…ask you to marry me."

She gasped. "What?"

He reached for her hand. "Marry me, Rayna," he pleaded. "I'll take care of you, and your baby. I don't want you to have to do this on your own and I don't want you to have to answer all kinds of personal questions. I'll be a good father, love your baby like it's my own, I promise. No one will ever have to know the truth."

She was stunned. "Oh, Teddy," she said. "You don't have to do that."

He smiled at her. "I know I don't, but, you know I love you, Rayna. And I know maybe you don't feel quite the same way, but we were good together. I know you thought so too. We can do this."

She gently took her hand from his. "I can't let you do this, Teddy," she said. "I mean, I am very grateful for your offer, but you deserve to be with someone who loves you the same way. It's just not fair of me to put this on you."

He shook his head. "You wouldn't be doing that, Rayna. I'm offering."

She felt overwhelmed. A part of her knew it would solve a lot of problems for her, but she just didn't think she could do that to him. Or to herself. "Teddy, you're very sweet but…."

"Don't say no. At least without thinking about it. Just think about it and you can let me know in a few days. Just know that I will protect you and your baby, be a good husband and father. If you'll let me." She started to speak and he held up his hand. "Please. Just sleep on it."

She could at least do that, even though she knew what her answer would be. "Alright," she said. "I'll sleep on it." He headed back for the door then and she followed. He reached for the door knob and she put her hand on his arm. He turned towards her and she kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you for your very generous offer, Teddy. I promise I will give it the consideration it deserves."

He nodded then and opened the door, walking out. She pushed the door closed behind him and locked it. She was still stunned by his offer. She couldn't deny it was tempting, but she wasn't at all sure marrying Teddy was the right thing to do. He said now that he would love her baby, but would that really be the case? If the baby were in fact Deacon's, could he really do that? She would have to consider that carefully.

She walked over to the couch and sat down. Her initial instinct had been to say no. But she couldn't help but think about what he'd said. _I don't want you to have to do this on your own and I don't want you to have to answer all kinds of personal questions. I'll be a good father, love your baby like it's my own, I promise. No one will have to know the truth._ She breathed in deeply, clasping her hands on her lap.

_Could I really do that? Could I marry someone else and let everyone think he's my baby's father?_ She was afraid she wouldn't sleep well that night, as she turned that over in her head.

* * *

Tandy pulled up and parked at the curb at the departure concourse. Rayna reached for the door handle but Tandy stopped her by grabbing her arm. Rayna looked back at her. "Are you sure about this?" Tandy asked.

Rayna felt a brief sense of irritation, but pushed it down. She knew her sister was concerned for her, although she also knew Tandy really didn't want her going to Minnesota. She nodded. "Yes, Tandy, I'm sure," she said, trying to keep the annoyance out of her voice. "I need to do this."

"Teddy made a good offer though, babe," Tandy persisted.

Rayna frowned. "Stop it. I wish now I'd never told you," she said. She breathed out. "If you can't be supportive, then this is where it's going to end. This is _my_ baby and all the decisions are _mine_."

Tandy pulled her hand away and made a gesture of defeat, although Rayna doubted this would be the end of it. "You're right." She sighed. "Just be careful. I worry about you driving up there, all alone."

Rayna made a face. "Tandy, the weather is fine. _I'll_ be fine. I'm driving up to the center tomorrow and then I'll drive right back to Minneapolis."

"I worry, though. About how this is going to go."

Rayna wanted to tell her sister not to worry, but she also knew it would do no good. Tandy hadn't wanted to listen to the fact that Deacon was likely the father, and she didn't like Rayna giving him that kind of news. But this wasn't about Tandy, it was about her baby. Their baby. She just didn't think she could start off by hedging her bets. She opened the door without responding to her sister, reaching behind the passenger seat for her overnight bag. She looked back in at Tandy. "Thanks for bringing me. I'll see you in two days." Then she shut the door before Tandy could say another word.

* * *

She settled into her seat on the plane, fastening her seatbelt. The flight attendant leaned in and smiled. "Can I get you something to drink before we take off?" she asked.

Rayna shook her head. "I'm fine. Thank you." The flight attendant nodded. She took an extra beat before she straightened up and headed down the aisle. Rayna looked out the window and smiled to herself. She knew the flight attendant had recognized her and that she had decided, in that split second, not to be _that_ person. She breathed in deeply. It had been impossible to avoid all the gossip – clearly someone, probably at her doctor's office, had leaked the news she was pregnant – but she did appreciate those who respected her privacy. She was sixteen weeks pregnant now. It wasn't obvious yet, because she wasn't showing much and could hide it with strategic dressing, but it was starting to be talked about. She wondered if Deacon had heard yet.

She'd tossed and turned all night. She wished Teddy had never come to her apartment with his offer. She was angry with herself for even giving it consideration. She would tell him no, of course, but she wished he had never come to her with the offer. In the middle of the night, she had gotten up and made herself some tea. As she sipped on it, she held her hand against her belly. _This baby is mine and Deacon's. No matter how it came to be, no matter what the circumstances, this baby was created in love. __That__ I know for sure. I won't __ever__ give that away to another man and deny Deacon. I can't._

She leaned her head back against the seat as she watched out the window as the plane raced down the runway and then lifted up off the ground. She didn't fly much on tour, except out west. She thought back, remembering how she always had Bucky get seats in the back of the plane for her and Deacon, preferably close to the restroom. They always flew late at night or on redeyes, to save money. They always lifted the armrest between their seats and cuddled up under a thin blanket she always packed in her carryon bag. Because it was late, the overhead lights were dimmed, and they took advantage of the flight attendants not making as many trips up and down the aisle.

Deacon would unbutton her blouse and unfasten her bra so he could fondle her breasts and tug on her nipples. He would slide his hand down and push up the skirt she always wore on the plane. The first time he'd slid his hand between her legs and realized she wasn't wearing panties, he chuckled. She smiled and then kissed him very seductively, as he swirled his fingers inside her. She would squeeze her eyes shut and unzip his pants, pulling him out with her hand. The game was to bring each other almost to orgasm without making a sound. Then she would twist her body to face him and he did the same. She would slide her top leg over his leg and he would enter her just in time for them both to come together.

She breathed in sharply and bit down on her lip. She didn't want to keep thinking about him that way. It was true that he was her weakness and it wasn't often she could turn him down, which had led to her trying to avoid him. She squirmed a little in her seat and put a hand on her belly. Although she had come to terms with the fact that she was pregnant, it still felt a little surreal to her. And fascinating. The day before she had felt what seemed like angel wings, almost indiscernible. She could feel the fluttering again and she smiled to herself. _My baby. I can feel my baby._

It was the best feeling in the world.

* * *

Rayna kept her eyes on the door. Every time it opened, her heart would beat a little faster, but then she'd feel almost a sense of disappointment when it wasn't Deacon. But finally, when the door opened, it was him. She watched him look around the room and so she stood up then. His eyes landed on her and he gave her a little smile as he walked towards her. She started to feel anxious, not knowing how this would go.

When he was standing in front of her, she saw him breathe in, his eyes filled with emotion. Then he reached for her, pulling her into a tight embrace. She put her arms around him, as he breathed in against her hair, running his hands down her back. Then, abruptly, he pulled back, his eyes filled with questions, and he quickly glanced down at her stomach, then back to her face, confusion all over his own face. _He didn't know._ He seemed incapable of words, so she said, "Hey, Deacon. How are you?"

He swallowed. "Um, good." He still looked a little dazed. "Why are you here?" he asked.

She took his hand. "Can we sit down?"

"Yeah, yeah, sorry," he said, leading her over to one of the couches. When they were seated, he held her hand tightly, but kept his eyes on her face.

She made a face. "I know I surprised you, but I, uh, I really needed to talk to you." He nodded. She let out a little laugh. "I guess you realize I'm pregnant." Then, suddenly, the emotions, or the hormones, took over and she felt herself getting teary. She had wanted to lead into it, but words failed her and she just blurted it out. "It could be yours, Deacon. It's _probably_ yours."

He sat back and just stared at her, a shocked look on his face. "How is that even possible?" he finally asked.

She took a deep breath, trying to settle her emotions. "Well, we were together right around the time I would have gotten pregnant." She bit her lip. "I guess you don't remember, but that's how it's possible," she added. She watched him, trying to gauge how he was handling it. She could see him trying to reconstruct that in his head and then the despair on his face when it dawned on him that he, in fact, couldn't remember. She felt a lump in her throat as she watched the pain in his eyes. "What are you thinking?" she asked.

He let go of her hand and got up from the couch. He put his hands behind his head and turned slightly, taking a step away from her. She quickly stood up and went to stand next to him. When he looked back at her, she saw disbelief in his eyes. "I can't…I don't," he started, then closed his eyes for a second. He opened them and then took a deep breath. "I don't know what to say, Rayna," he whispered.

She put a hand on his arm. "I know it's hard, but I felt like I needed to tell you." He turned away again, dragging his fingers through his hair, and took a few steps, then turned back, a frown on his face.

He walked back to her, his eyes dark. "You said 'could', so that means what? It _could_ be that jackass Teddy's?" He made air quotes when he said could.

She breathed in and then shrugged. "It's possible," she said. "Not very likely, but possible." She took his arm again. "Can we sit back down? And talk?" He worked his lip for a moment and she wasn't sure what would happen next. Would he bolt? Would he be furious and start a fight? He was at a tricky point in his rehab – clean, but far from ready to deal with these heavy emotions and the realities of being a father. But then she felt the tension in his arm release and he let her guide him back to the couch. When they were sitting down again, she took his hands in hers and leaned forward. "After the baby's born, we can do a paternity test. To know for sure."

He frowned. "Is he gonna take one too?"

She nodded. "I have to be sure."

He seemed to take that in, then looked at her pointedly. "You said it wasn't likely. How do you know that?"

She didn't really want to get into all the details and she just shook her head. "I just do." She shrugged. "We were always…careful."

He raised his eyebrows and breathed in slowly. "You told him already?"

She nodded. "I did. And that I was pretty sure it was yours." She breathed in deeply. "I'll tell you the same thing I told him. No matter how it turns out, I'm planning to raise this baby on my own."

He frowned. "I don't understand. I mean, you're telling me I could be the father, but I don't get no say in any of it?"

"Deacon, if this baby is yours, I have to be sure you can handle it. And right now I'm just not sure you can." His frown deepened, so she reached for his hand, holding on tightly. After just a few seconds, she felt his hand close around hers. "I don't want to shut you out, though, babe," she said.

His face softened, but his eyes looked deeply sad. He took a deep breath. "I know you'll be a good mama, Ray. I just don't know if I can be a good daddy." He sighed and she saw the glisten of tears in his eyes. "I don't know how."

She gave him an encouraging smile. "We can learn together. I mean, if you want to."

He nodded and then leaned in to give her a kiss on the cheek. "I do, baby. I promise I'm gonna make sober work this time."

"I hope so, Deacon. For your sake and for the baby's sake." She sighed. "If you mess this up, I mean, I just don't know how I could trust you."

* * *

When she was ready to leave, he pulled her close, just hugging her at first. "Thank you, Rayna, for telling me," he whispered in her ear. "I love you, baby." She could hear all the emotions he was feeling in his voice. She understood it was startling, shocking, and scary for him, all at once. She knew how much it was probably killing him inside to know that some of his memories of the two of them were lost to the darkness inside him. Especially this most important one of all.

When he started to kiss her, she froze for a second, then put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him back. "No, Deacon," she said, seeing his confusion. "No."

He frowned then. "I don't understand," he said, holding onto her arms. "You just came here, all the way from Nashville, tell me we're having a baby, and now you're pushing me away?"

She pulled away from his grip and stepped back. "Deacon, I love you too. I'll always love you. But this visit wasn't for us to get back together or anything. I believed I owed you the truth, because I couldn't live with myself if I never told you about our baby. But that's all it is."

He got those puppy dog eyes that were so hard for her to resist. "I'm gonna be better, Ray. I promise. For you and our baby. I will." He took one of her hands in his. "Please don't walk away from me."

It was so hard for her to stay strong. Her heart wanted her to let him back in, but her head warned her to be careful. And for that reason, she shook her head sadly. "We just need to do _this_, Deacon. Be parents. Work on raising him or her up. The rest will sort itself out. But for now, this is all I can do." She pulled her hand away, knowing she was on the verge of breaking down. "I need to go, Deacon," she whispered. She turned away, but he grabbed her arm again.

"I get it," he said softly. "Just please let me know how you're doing."

She nodded, but didn't turn back to look at him, because tears were rolling down her face. "I will. I promise." She gently pulled her arm away and then headed for the door before she completely broke down.

* * *

When she went back to her hotel, she laid on the bed and cried until she finally fell asleep. When she woke, she wasn't really hungry, but she knew it wouldn't be good for the baby not to eat. She ordered soup and a piece of quiche from room service. She'd managed to get down all the soup and a few bites of quiche and then she just couldn't bear to look at it anymore. She searched in her overnight bag for the notebook she was never without.

She wrote lots of things in it. Song ideas, observations, journal type entries. Anything she could look back on later and remind herself of both the good and bad parts of life. The notebooks she had during the time she'd been with Deacon had started off with hope and love and excitement for the future. As the two of them had toured all around the country – first in a van, then a small bus, and progressively larger buses, until she'd gotten the tricked out bus she had now – life had been an adventure. They were living on love and the music. They wrote and played music by day and then they wrote their own private, intimate music by night.

As time went on, though, her entries were filled with fear and anger and pain and hurt. She had felt alone as her world was crumbling around her. Each trip Deacon made to rehab had worn her down a little more. She never stopped loving him though, never stopped trying to support him. Never really stopped trying to save him. Until it became obvious that she could not and it was not enough for him to really make it work.

She sat at the desk in the hotel room, took the rubber band off the notebook, and started to write.

_I'm pregnant and I'm afraid. I'm afraid for all the first time pregnant reasons. Will my baby be okay? Will I do all the right things? Will I be a good mama? But I'm also afraid Deacon is my baby's father. And afraid that he's not._

_I think I've been dreaming about this ever since I met him, although I couldn't have put it to words in the beginning. I will never not love him, that I know for sure. Maybe we won't end up together, in the future, or ever. It's not out of the realm of possibility, which makes me sadder than I can ever say. He's my family. When he took me in, after Daddy kicked me out, he became my family, the person I relied on most. Even more than Tandy. Deacon was really my whole world._

_My first instinct right now though is to protect my child, to give him or her a safe place, to love him or her with my whole heart. And that means I might have to make hard decisions – about Deacon, mostly. I know, deep down inside, that he would be a loving father, a proud father. Or at least that he would want to. But I'm afraid. Afraid he can't live up to that, afraid something will happen and he'll just disappear, afraid it will overwhelm him and he won't be able to do it. That he'll disappoint me again, but more importantly, will disappoint our child._

_I did think about not telling him. It's clear he wouldn't have thought to question it. It could have been my out, my way of saving both my baby and myself. But the truth is that I couldn't have lived with it. I couldn't have done that to him. If he ever found out, he would never forgive me for lying to him. So I took a chance._

_I hope I'm not wrong._

She sighed, then closed the notebook, wrapped the rubber band back around it, and placed it at the bottom of her bag. Then she changed into her nightgown, turned down the covers and crawled into bed. She was asleep within five minutes.

* * *

As she got off the plane in Nashville, she felt so drained. She knew some of it was just the usual pregnancy exhaustion, but it had also been an emotionally difficult trip. Seeing Deacon, telling him about the baby, and then his reaction, had been more painful than she had thought it would be. It killed her to see him in rehab – again. It was his fifth try at this and she had put him into a six month program this time, hoping it would be enough time to break all the old habits. _It's an addiction, Rayna. It's not a choice for him at this point. It's his way of coping and dealing with the truth of his life._ That's what one of his old rehab counselors had told her, when she was struggling with having to put him in rehab the third time. Coleman had told her much the same. So she knew it wasn't an easy thing and it was clear a thirty day program wasn't going to do it.

She had wanted him to get well, though, if not for her, than for him. She didn't want him to die an alcoholic, something she had told him time and time again. Actually it was really more that it would kill him in the end, the idea terrifying her. She questioned again her wisdom in being honest with him, but she also knew she couldn't do it any other way. When they had found each other all those years ago, she had known it was a forever thing. And even if they weren't together, she would never throw him away.

She took the escalator down to the arrivals floor and walked out the door onto the sidewalk. She looked around and spotted Tandy's car and walked towards it. When she opened the door, Tandy looked up and closed the book she was reading. Then she leaned over and hugged Rayna, holding her close. When she finally let her sister go, she sat back and seemed to be looking over every inch of her. "How'd it go?" she asked.

Rayna felt unexpectedly teary. Maybe it was the plane ride, maybe it was the release from having told everyone who needed to be told, maybe it was the fact that she knew there were still going to be obstacles to overcome. She sighed. "It was fine," she said.

"How was he?"

Rayna gave her sister a tired smile. "He was good. He looks good. I think, I _hope_, this is helping him."

Tandy took her hand and squeezed it. "I really meant when you told him."

She felt a tear slide down her cheek and she wiped it away. "He was surprised, confused, the things you would expect. I think he's scared, but he says he wants to do this. With me." She could tell, from the look on her sister's face, that she was worried what that meant. She shook her head. "I told him I planned to raise the baby on my own. I don't think he liked that, really, but I think he does know he has a lot to prove. So don't worry. I'm going to be smart about it and not let my feelings get in the way."

"But you always say that, Rayna, and, well, here you are."

Rayna put her hand over her stomach. "When it was just me, that was one thing. But I have to protect this one." She looked at Tandy. "That makes all the difference."

Tandy looked at her, concern on her face. Then she took a deep breath and let it out. "Well, let's get you home. You look tired." She started the car and headed for the airport exit.

* * *

After Tandy had dropped her off and she had made her way to her apartment, she thought about making some tea, but what she really wanted to do was sleep. But there was also so much swirling in her head. Seeing Deacon – just seeing him, not even really the news she shared with him, although there was that too – and realizing how tense she had been leading up to that. She still couldn't completely get Teddy's offer out of her head, although now it was a moot point. It made her realize what a fine man he was and she hoped he would meet someone worthy of him. There was her album, which she needed to finish, and her tour, which she needed to talk to Bucky about.

She undressed and walked into the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror. She put her palm on her stomach, thinking that, from the front, she didn't really look pregnant. She hoped she would be one of those women who carried her pregnancy in her stomach. When her hairdresser had been pregnant, the poor woman had looked pregnant all over. Even her face looked puffy. She leaned forward slightly, running her hands down her cheeks. No puffiness. Then she slid her hands down to her breasts. She was already a full cup size larger and had had to buy new bras.

She turned to the side. This was truly the most dramatic change. It had almost seemed like, overnight, she looked really pregnant. She had an appointment with her doctor the next week for an ultrasound. She would be able to find out the sex of the baby then, if she wanted. She still hadn't decided for sure, although Tandy had reminded her it might make things easier from the standpoint of baby clothes and decorating a nursery.

She reached behind the bathroom door and took down the oversized t-shirt she usually slept in. As she slid it over her head and smoothed it down over her body, she realized that it wouldn't be long before she'd have to wear something else. She breathed in. It was one of Deacon's old t-shirts, from the Grand Ole Opry, that he didn't know she'd taken. It was comfortable and, if she were to be honest with herself, it reminded her of him. She liked the idea of wearing something that belonged to him. She suddenly felt weepy and turned away from the mirror, turning out the light.

She walked over and got into bed, puffing up her pillow and pulling the sheet and blanket over herself. She laid on her side, then reached up and turned out the light. She could feel the tears trickling down her face and she rubbed her eyes. This had all been such bad timing, both personally and professionally. But, as she slid her hand down to cover her stomach, she also felt a sense of protectiveness towards her unborn baby. She would be the one to bring this baby into the world, love him or her, and take care of him or her. The responsibility of that was almost overwhelming. Now that she had told both Teddy and Deacon, she hoped she'd be able to focus more on taking care of herself and getting ready for her baby. She hoped she'd have peace.

But as she lay there, in the dark, her eyes wide open, her heart ached. For herself. For Deacon. And for the baby they'd made and whatever future they might have as a family.

It took a long time for her to fall asleep and then she had strange dreams, mostly about her and Deacon. She could see them walking together, kissing, then fighting. She could see herself run and, after a long moment, he came running after her, pulling her into his arms. She wanted to believe in that, but she was afraid. Afraid to let him in, afraid to let down her guard, afraid to let herself be vulnerable to all of that again. She slept, but it wasn't peaceful and it wasn't restful.


	4. Chapter 4

She stood in the shower until the water was lukewarm. Then she finally got out, toweling herself off and wrapping her hair in another towel. It had felt heavenly to be able to take a long shower. Since she'd been home from the hospital, she would wait until Maddie was asleep to shower, then did it quickly, in case Maddie didn't stay asleep. Tandy had stayed with her the first week she was home, but Rayna had told her they would be okay and she should go back to her own life. She wondered if she had been shortsighted on that front. She had missed long showers. But she knew she and Maddie could do this. Together.

* * *

She hadn't worn much more than nightgowns or yoga pants and loose fitting button up tunics since Maddie had been born. It had been so much easier to manage breastfeeding and she wasn't really going anywhere anyway. But to make this outing, she wanted to look nice. After she dried her hair, she had run a curling iron through it to give it some loose waves. She put on makeup. Then she went to her closet to pick out something to wear. She took out a pair of jeans and a soft cotton poet's blouse she loved.

But the jeans felt too tight and when she looked in the mirror at the blouse, it made her breasts look huge. She wanted to cry. So she undressed and then stood in front of her mirror. She turned sideways and saw that the baby pooch wasn't completely gone. Then she looked straight on and could see her breasts were still large. She wasn't anywhere near as close as she'd thought she was to getting back to her pre-baby figure. She thought back to the day she left the hospital with Maddie. She'd been aghast at still looking pregnant.

_She sat on the edge of the hospital bed, tears in her eyes. "I don't understand. I just had a baby. How can I look like I didn't?"_

_The nurse who was waiting with her smiled compassionately. "Every woman feels like that. But you actually gained twenty-eight pounds and your baby weighed less than eight. Just think about your uterus as a balloon – it slowly expands and then slowly shrinks back. It takes a little time."_

_She put her hands over her stomach. "How long though?"_

"_Maybe six to eight weeks." She looked over the hospital crib at Maddie. "But just think. You have this beautiful little baby now. That's all you should be thinking about."_

She sighed. It was good advice, so she had tried to be patient. But deep down inside, she wanted to look pretty, not fat. So she went back into the closet and stood in her underwear, her hands on her hips, trying to figure out what she could actually wear that would fit. She started pulling things off hangers.

She finally settled on a pretty sundress, with a big pink rose print against a white background. The neckline was squared off. It had a full skirt, so it hid her stomach. It was a little tight in the bust area, but not uncomfortable. It was still a little cool out, so she pulled out a light sweater. When she looked at herself again in the mirror, she was more satisfied. She slipped on some pink ballet flats and then sat on the end of her bed.

In some ways this had been a long, strange journey. She'd kept Deacon up to date on what was happening to her, but she'd never once shared any of the changes and stages she was going through with Teddy. It was like he'd given up, figured out it wasn't going to be him, and let her go. She knew he'd started seeing a new woman and it had made her strangely sad. Not because she had loved him or had seen a future for them, but because, when all was said and done, he was a kind and decent man. He loved her, she knew that for sure, and she'd felt a little sad or maybe just a touch wistful, that a man like him just wasn't what she wanted in her life.

If Maddie were his, she would have figured it out somehow, she supposed. She thought again about his offer to marry her and be a father to her baby. It was a magnanimous thing to do, but she couldn't help but wonder if he would have been resentful in the end. If it ultimately would affect his relationship with Maddie, even if that wasn't what he'd intended. But she'd never really felt like herself with him. It had felt more like the type of relationship her father would have arranged, with a nice, suitable man, who had a decent, if unexciting job, and they would have lived in Belle Meade, or maybe Green Hills, and lived that genteel life. The life she'd chafed against for as long as she could remember. She sighed, thinking that it would have been a pleasant life, but she knew she would have just longed for the things that were important to her.

She took a deep breath as she thought about Deacon. He had been the love of her life since she was sixteen years old. When her father had kicked her out, she'd gone to Tandy first, but quickly ended up with him. He'd been her first lover and, though she could tell he was about to bust, he'd wanted her so bad, once she was ready he was gentle and loving and he taught her so much. The sex was sometimes raw and gritty, but more often it was just all-consuming, leaving her breathless, perspiring, and deeply, deeply satisfied and fulfilled. They had made beautiful music together, both on stage and off. He was her soulmate, the love of her life. Even when things got tough, and later when they knocked the wind out of her, he was her safe place, he was her home.

But eventually she'd barely been able to get out of bed each day. She had felt beaten down, exhausted. She cried herself to sleep so many times. She'd spent many nights searching for him in bars and alleys, afraid of what she'd find. She dreaded the phone calls – feeling relief when it was only a hospital or police station and not the morgue – but she had been so angry that he was doing this to himself and to them. She knew it wasn't what he wanted, but also knew he felt helpless against the demons that chased him, and that was why she'd stayed for so long. He'd needed her.

Cole had been the one to tell her she had to stop, that she had to let him fight this on his own or he'd take her down with him. It hadn't been an easy choice. She'd fought it at first, but then finally admitted defeat. He was passed out in their bed the day she packed her things and left. She remembered that it had been raining that day, raining so hard it was like the sky was crying with her. But, of course, she hadn't been able to cut the cord completely. Which had led them to where they were now.

In many ways, all of this had pushed them back together, but in a different way. She still wasn't ready to step back into that life, although she wanted very much for them to be able to do this together. It still tugged at her heart, even though she worried they would fall into the same bad patterns again. He would always leave rehab promising he was good, that he'd stay sober. He'd never been able to do it before and there was no guarantee he'd be able to do it now.

She looked down at her hands. This was never where she saw herself. She and Deacon were supposed to build this life together. Be happy together, married with a family. Living at the cabin for the rest of their lives. They had the family, but nothing else. And maybe they never would.

"Rayna, sweetie?" She looked up when she heard Tandy's voice and saw her sister standing at the door, holding Maddie. Tandy frowned and hurried over to sit next to Rayna. "Are you okay?" Rayna reached for Maddie, holding her daughter close. Tandy put her arm around her sister's shoulders. "Maybe you shouldn't do this today," she said gently.

Rayna looked at her. "No, I have to. I _need_ to. I have to move on with my life. I have to raise up my daughter and I need for her father to know her." She tried to smile. "Thank you for stopping by though. You really were a lifesaver."

"Of course, sweetheart." Concern filled Tandy's eyes.

Rayna breathed in. "So. I need to get Maddie dressed now. And I know you need to get to work. We'll be okay."

Tandy frowned. "Are you sure?"

Rayna nodded. "I am." They both stood then and Rayna followed Tandy out to the front door.

Tandy kissed Rayna on the cheek. "I love you, Rayna. Please take care of yourself and call me if you need me. For _anything_. Okay?"

"I will. I promise." Tandy looked uncertain at first, then rubbed her hand over Rayna's back, and left. Rayna stood by the door for a moment, after she'd closed it, and then Maddie wriggled in her arms. She looked down at her daughter. "We need to get you dressed, sweet girl," she said. Then she wrinkled her nose. "But first, someone needs to be changed."

_**~nashville~**_

She peered into the mirror and dabbed at her eyes again, then took a deep breath. It had probably not been smart to have called Deacon just before the _Rolling Stone_ interview. But she'd wanted to share her news with him after her doctor's appointment that morning. He'd gotten emotional, though, and it had made her emotional as well. Now she had to try to figure out how to compose herself again before Bucky got there to pick her up.

"_Hey, Deacon," she said, when he answered the phone._

"_Ray," he said. "What's going on?"_

_She bit down on her lip. "I had a doctor's appointment today and she did an ultrasound."_

"_Everything okay?" He sounded anxious. "You okay?"_

_She smiled to herself. "Yeah, everything's okay. We're both okay. But I found out the sex of the baby today, if you want to know." He'd told her he did, but she wanted to be sure._

_He was silent on his end for a moment. "Yeah. I do." She thought she heard his voice shaking a little._

_She breathed in. "It's a girl," she said quietly. "We're having a little girl."_

_He laughed a little on the other end. "Really? A girl? Oh, wow, Ray."_

"_Are you disappointed?" She didn't know if he wanted a son and she hoped having a daughter wouldn't be a letdown._

"_Oh, baby, how could I be disappointed? A little girl." She could hear him breathe in. "I just hope she's like you, Rayna. Beautiful and strong. Just like her mama." He sounded emotional._

"_She'll be like both of us, Deacon. She'll be perfect."_

"_Rayna, I need to come home. I need to be there with you. Helping you."_

_She frowned. "No, Deacon, you know we talked about this. You need to finish out your program so you can be strong. I told you I'd be coming up there in a couple weeks and we can talk more about what's gonna happen when you do get home, but you need this right now."_

She sighed. He'd gotten angry, almost belligerent, in his insistence that he needed to come home and not finish out the program. She'd had to be firm with him and finally told him she had to hang up, that she couldn't argue with him about this anymore. And then she had hung up on him. She had cried until she'd given herself a headache. It was so hard, with him being so far away, and yet she also felt like it was just what both of them needed. It would have been easy for her to have fallen back into her old pattern of letting him back in her life. Being pregnant on her own was harder than she'd thought and there were often times she wished she'd had that daily support as she navigated all of this.

Of course, that was when Tandy always reminded her she could have married Teddy and had that secure, normal life. She rolled her eyes. _I don't know why she doesn't get that's just not happening. _ She knew Tandy was worried she would immediately go back to Deacon when he returned, but that was not her plan. She wasn't going to put herself, and her baby, in a position to be disappointed and hurt. _I'm just not doing that._

She heard the knock on the door and sighed. Bucky was there to pick her up. She looked back in the mirror again and breathed in. She ran her fingers through her hair and smoothed her hands down over her stomach. There was no hiding her pregnancy these days and she knew it would be a topic for the article, but there was nothing that could be done about that. She just hoped it wouldn't be too difficult to keep the interview on track, as she and Bucky had discussed.

She turned and walked out of the bedroom and down the hall. She opened the door to Bucky and put on her best performance smile. "Hey, Buck," she said. "Thanks for picking me up."

* * *

An assistant at the label led Rayna and Bucky down to the office where the Rolling Stone reporter would be meeting them. When they walked into the room, a pretty, young brunette stood up. Rayna thought she looked typical for _Rolling Stone_ – edgy, a little hard around the eyes – and hoped she wouldn't live up to her image. The reporter smiled then and held out her hand. "Ms. Jaymes, it's so nice to meet you," she said. "I'm Lauren Bell."

Rayna smiled and took her hand. "Hey, Lauren. It's a pleasure to meet you too. And please, call me Rayna." Lauren nodded. She gestured towards Bucky. "This is my manager, Bucky Dawes."

Lauren turned to Bucky and narrowed her eyes just a bit. "Right," she said. "I heard you'd be joining us." Rayna knew the magazine wasn't pleased, but she didn't care. They had provided a list of off-limits topics, including anything personal about her pregnancy. She felt comfortable handling it herself, but liked having Bucky handy to run interference for her. Lauren gestured towards a seating area. "I'm sure you'd like to sit."

Rayna raised her eyebrows at the subtle hint that she was somehow delicate, but decided to leave it alone. "Thank you," she said instead, choosing the chair she was sure Lauren meant for herself. Now the reporter would have to sit next to Bucky.

After a moment of hesitation, Lauren sat and so did Bucky, who gave Rayna an admiring smile. Lauren pulled out her recorder and turned it on, setting it on the table between them. Then she opened her notebook and looked up. "So, Ms. Jaymes, I mean, Rayna, your last album 'Sweet & Sorrow' has been out almost two years and is still top ten on the charts. Quite impressive."

She smiled. "Thank you. I'm very proud of that album."

"And it was the last album where you and Deacon Claybourne collaborated."

She frowned slightly, then nodded. "Yes, it was."

Lauren tilted her head just slightly to the left. "And so this upcoming album will be mostly your songs, written solely by you." Rayna nodded. "I guess this is different, considering that almost everything else you've done was with Deacon Claybourne."

Rayna raised her eyebrows. "I've written without Deacon before, but you're correct. He is not and won't be a part of this record. He's no longer in my band and we've ended our personal and professional relationship."

Lauren looked at her for a moment. "Is it true then that this album is going to be kind of a fuck you to Deacon?"

She caught her breath, startled at the question. Bucky started to say something but she waved him off. This she could handle. "No, actually it's not. While it's true that many of the songs are written from places of truth and, yes, there are songs on this album about my truth regarding him, that's not what it's about. Even though we're not together, I have great respect for Deacon as a songwriter, a musician, and an artist."

Lauren gave her a small smile. "But so many of your songs in the past have been about your relationship with him. Why would this be different?"

She gripped the arms of the chair. "Because I've moved on. And I don't want to be trapped in the past. I'm looking to the future."

Lauren pointed at her with her pen. "Which obviously includes a baby," she commented.

She nodded. "Yes, it does." She held her breath, waiting for what was next.

Lauren paused and then surprised her a little. "But it's clear the song you released recently from your upcoming record, 'The Best Songs Come From Broken Hearts' is about the end of your relationship with Deacon. Isn't that true?" She looked down at her notebook and back, quickly. "I quote one of the lines in the song – '_you gotta dig deep within the well of your soul, to find the will to sing the words that only you know, about going through hell and living to tell the truth_'. Isn't that about your relationship and his problems with addiction?"

Bucky sat forward and looked like he was going to speak, but she put up her hand. He frowned, but sat back. She looked back at the reporter. "It's simply about telling your truth. Yes, I had a breakup and yes, it was heartbreaking, but Deacon would be the first one to tell you that some of the best songs come from the darkest places. It's a song that I believe _any_ woman who's gone through a tough breakup can relate to. The fact that there's some of my truth in it doesn't mean it's a song about Deacon Claybourne. Any more than songs he writes now are songs about Rayna Jaymes. It's a record about empowerment and moving forward. _That's_ what it is."

Lauren looked at her as though she didn't completely believe her, but she thankfully didn't pursue it. She looked down again at her notebook, then back at Rayna. "I understand you'll be taking some time off, not touring for a while," she said.

She nodded. "That's correct. Having a baby is a major change in my life and I want some time to adjust."

"You've been very circumspect about who the father is…."

Bucky jumped in then. "Lauren, I'm sorry, but you know that's off limits."

Lauren looked at him and frowned, then back at Rayna. "My question is, are you planning on doing this alone?"

She took a deep breath. "Yes. I am."

* * *

As they rode down on the elevator, she concentrated on the floor numbers. Bucky cleared his throat, but she didn't change her focus. "I thought it went as well as it could have," he said. "She was clearly pushing the boundaries."

She nodded. "Yes, she was. But I guess that's what they're paid to do."

"As always, you handled it all like a pro."

She looked over at him then and gave him a tiny smile. "Thanks, Buck. But you and I both know she could still nudge the door open with speculation." She sighed. "I wish I didn't have to do all this, but it's not like I can avoid it."

He looked at her for a moment. "Have you talked to Deacon lately?"

"Yeah, this morning actually."

"How's he doing?"

She made a face. "He's doing his program. Following the rules. But he wants to come home, which, of course, isn't gonna happen right now. He thinks he needs to be here, but, quite honestly, I don't think it would be a good idea anyway. He's my baby's father, but he wants more. And I just don't have more to give."

They were almost at the lobby. He reached out and rubbed her arm, smiling with understanding. "You're the strongest person I know, Rayna. I know you'll do what's best for you."

She smiled gratefully. "Thanks, Buck. I just have to think about my baby." She laid her hand on her stomach. "It's _all_ I'm thinking about these days."

He nodded. "So, have you got a few minutes? To talk about the record and the tour?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I have time." It would be good to have something else to focus on for a bit.

* * *

They settled into a quiet place around the corner from the Edgehill building. She ordered iced tea and a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Bucky gave her an odd look when she placed her order and she smiled. "I'm having cravings," she said, with a laugh. "I can't remember the last time I had macaroni and cheese. Probably back when Deacon and I were still eating spaghetti from a can. But I saw it and had to have it."

Bucky smiled indulgently. "Well, you picked a good place to get it. It's second to none around Nashville, for sure." He pulled out a notebook and opened it to where he had some notes jotted down. He looked back and forth between her and the notebook as he went down his list. "So we leave day after tomorrow for the West Coast." He looked up at her. "You okay to travel?"

She rolled her eyes, but smiled. "Yes, Bucky, I'm okay to travel. I asked my doctor and she said I'm fine."

He gave her a sheepish look. "Okay, then. Well, we're out there three weeks, then back to Nashville. I've got radio in every market while we're out there."

"Good," she said.

"When we're back in Nashville, we have time in the studio to lay down the rest of your tracks for the album." He looked up. "We have twelve songs, but I know we hoped for fourteen. Any movement there?"

She tapped her fingers on the table. "Randy has several demos for me to listen to. I think even if just one works, that should be fine." She smiled. "You know, I think it was genius to release the one song early."

He nodded. "I know you were anxious to put it out. I'm not sure, all things considered, it was our best choice, but…." He shrugged.

"Well, maybe not, but it's my favorite of the ones we've recorded so far." She sighed. "You know, I'm really happy with what we have, but I still feel like we're missing a number one. I'm not sure 'Best Songs' is that number one or at least not the really big one that puts this album over the edge. I mean, 'Sweet & Sorrow' is gonna be tough to beat."

"I think you sell yourself short, Rayna. You've got some really good material on this record. I think 'I Shouldn't Love You' is gonna be a number one."

She took a deep breath and looked away. It was the last song she and Deacon had written together. It had been a rainy day and Deacon hadn't had a drink in a week. She'd been hopeful then, hoping he was on the right track. They'd written a lot that day, not all of which saw the outside of the bungalow, but that one had been special. It was about them, how they'd come from such different places and different lives and that they should never have crossed paths. Except they had. And even though everyone around them told them they couldn't be more wrong for each other, they actually were so right together. They had been wrapped up in the sheets on their bed, the song coming in between kisses and touches and lovemaking sessions. She could feel the heat on her face and she breathed in again, looking back at Bucky. "Maybe it will," she said softly.

He reached across the table and took her hand, squeezing it gently. "I know it's bittersweet, but it's also what can make great songs. You, more than anyone, knows that." His eyes were kind and compassionate.

"Well, that is true." She gave him a little smile.

He let go of her hand and went back to his notebook. "So the tour." He looked back at her. "We do have dates after the first of the year. How do you think you'll feel about touring then?"

Just then the server came back with their orders. She smiled up at the young woman. "Thank you so much. This looks amazing," she said.

"It's the best in Nashville, _I_ think. Enjoy!"

She took a bite and closed her eyes, savoring the smooth creaminess. The flavor was perfection and it was exactly what she wanted. Then she refocused her attention on Bucky and his question. In her head she thought through where she would be in her pregnancy. "When is the last date scheduled?" she asked.

"Mid-March."

She made a face. The baby was due towards the end of April. "I don't know, Buck. I'm not sure I'm gonna feel up for it. I hate to disappoint people who've bought tickets. Is there any way we could reschedule some dates?"

He looked skeptical. "I'm not sure. We'll have to see what's available. How long would you want to be out?"

She bit her lip. She would be starting her third trimester towards the end of January, beginning of February, and everyone had told her her energy level would start to go down then. She grimaced. "I'm thinking end of January, or maybe early February. No later than mid-February. Is that doable?"

He looked down at the tour list. "Maybe," he said. He made some marks on the paper. "If we can get all the way to February 12, that puts us in Atlanta. We'd have to move eight dates, including Nashville, which is where we were supposed to end." He looked back at her. "I won't push you to do more than you think you can do. I'll see if we can rearrange those dates and I'll let you know. And you know, if you need to stop earlier, all you have to do is say the word."

She smiled gratefully. "Thanks, Buck. You're the best. What would I do without you?"

He smiled. "I hope you never have to find out," he said. She laughed.

* * *

After she left Bucky, she headed for her stylist's studio, to try on new stage outfits that would accommodate her changing shape. She hadn't wanted to lose any of the glam and glitter she preferred and was happy to see that she would still have stylish clothes, even dresses, for her shows. She was secretly thrilled to see things that actually weren't just trying to hide her growing belly but would still feel comfortable and allow movement onstage.

When she got home, she was exhausted, and her feet hurt. She kicked off her shoes and took off her dress, hanging it back in the closet. She pulled on a robe, pulled her hair back into a messy bun, and walked out to the living room, closing the blinds. She set her alarm clock and brought it out with her, setting in on the coffee table. Almost as soon as she stretched out on the couch, her phone rang. She considered not answering it, but since they were leaving Nashville in two days, she thought it could have been Bucky, with some last minute tour details.

She was surprised to hear Tandy's voice. "What's up?" she asked.

"Well, I was just wondering if maybe you had time to catch a quick dinner with me tonight."

She made a face. "I'm kind of tired, Tandy. I just came home from an interview and I'm in my robe."

"I could bring dinner to you," Tandy suggested.

She thought about saying no, but letting Tandy bring food meant she wouldn't have to scrounge around for something to eat plus she hadn't seen her sister in at least a week. "Okay," she said. She smiled to herself. "Do you think you could bring some macaroni and cheese?"

"Macaroni and cheese? Since when do you eat that?" Tandy asked.

"Well, since I've been pregnant and developed cravings. And that's what I'm craving." She chuckled. "Maybe you could stop at Puckett's and get me some of their mac and cheese. Along with some healthy vegetables. Will that make you feel better?"

"I guess," Tandy said, with a laugh. "Mac and cheese for my sister then. I'll see you around seven."

"Wait!" she called out before her sister could hang up.

"Change of order?" Tandy asked, sounding amused.

"Yes." She felt guilty, but then she reminded herself she was pregnant. The only time she could indulge if she wanted. In moderation though, she thought. "Um, mac and cheese and a barbeque sandwich. Please."

Tandy laughed. "How about French fries?"

"No. Wait, yes. No." She groaned. "Yes. But you have to share!"

"I will share. I'll see you later, babe."

Rayna hung up the phone and sat there for a moment. She put a hand on her stomach and sighed. She was definitely excited and happy to be having a baby, but the circumstances she had found herself in were certainly less than ideal. She and Deacon weren't together. Hadn't been officially together for months. She'd started dating Teddy and felt like she was developing a nice, _normal_ relationship with him. He might not excite her the way Deacon did or share her passion for music, but he was solid. He treated her well, like a princess really. He would have been safe, reliable, dependable. She knew that didn't sound exciting, but she did love him, in her own way, and she'd felt a great sense of relief to be out of the whirlwind she'd been in with Deacon. But getting pregnant with Deacon's baby had changed the story.

She stretched back out on the couch and immediately fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Rayna opened the car door and looked in at Maddie. Her baby's eyes were open and focused on her. She smiled. "Hey, sweet girl," she cooed. Maddie made a soft, gurgling noise in return. Rayna reached in and slid her fingers down Maddie's cheek. "This is a big day," she whispered. "You're going to meet your father. Officially." She unhooked the car seat and lifted it out. She set it on the sidewalk and reached back to get the diaper bag. Once she had the bag over her shoulder, she picked the car seat back up, and shut the door. She took a deep breath and then headed for Deacon's house.

As she climbed the steps leading up to the porch, she wondered what he was doing right then. He'd only been back in Nashville for about six weeks and she knew how fragile this time was in his recovery. He had told her Watty was getting him session gigs, so he was keeping busy. And going to meetings. And probably still trying to wrap his mind around the idea that he could be a father, she thought. He'd been stunned first, and then contrite, when she had told him it was a probability. When she had seen him, after he got back to Nashville, it had all hit home for him, more than he'd expected. She knew it had been a lot to absorb, especially when he'd been faced with all the realities.

When she got to the door, she set the car seat down and unbuckled Maddie, lifting her out. She knew he wasn't expecting her and it made her a little nervous. When she had Maddie settled, she reached out and knocked on the door. After a moment it opened and Deacon stood there. When he saw them, his eyes widened just a little. "Hey," he said.

Her emotions rushed through her body as she stood there. For a second she couldn't breathe, couldn't swallow. Then, finally, she smiled at him. "Hey," she said. She looked at Maddie, then back at him. "This is your daughter."

It seemed like he was holding his breath, as he looked from her to Maddie. She could see him swallow and, for a second, she felt anxious. _Is it too much after all?_ But then he smiled and reached out to cup Maddie's head in his hand, grazing her cheek with his thumb. He seemed so careful with their daughter, much like he had been at the hospital.

_She was sitting in the glider chair next to her bed, feeding Maddie. It had been nice, having the birthing suite, which gave her not only comfort, but privacy. It was already on the news, Tandy had told her, and she had shaken her head in amusement to think that her baby's birth was such big news. She could tell the sun was setting, as the stripes of sunlight through the blinds lengthened across the floor. She didn't hear his footsteps until he was right at the door. She looked up and saw him standing there, with a little vase of daisies and a tiny white stuffed bear._

"_Hey, Deacon," she said, with a little smile. "Come on in." Tandy had promised to call him when she left the hospital and she'd half expected her not to. But she had and here he was. He hesitated a moment, then walked across the room. He looked awkward, holding the flowers and the bear, and she smiled encouragingly. His eyes were wide and she realized he probably wasn't sure it was the right time to be there, with Maddie nursing. "It's okay," she said, motioning him closer. "There's a chair over there." She pointed at the visitor chair. "Why don't you bring it over closer?"_

_He turned towards where she pointed, then seemed to realize his hands were full. He turned back and walked over to put the vase on the table next to her, as well as the bear. "I, uh, I know she ain't gonna be able to hold it yet, but, you know…." He seemed nervous._

_She smiled up at him. "She'll love it. Thank you." She glanced over at the flowers, a pretty assortment of colors, including her favorite – pink. Deacon was the only one who ever gave her daisies, the only one who knew they were her favorite. "And thank you for the flowers."_

_He nodded, still looking a little nervous, as he sat across from her. "You okay?" he asked._

"_Yes," she said, with a nod. "Tired and a little sore, but I'm fine." She could tell Maddie was finished nursing, so she looked over at him. "You want to hold her?" She smiled at the look of terror on his face. "I'll show you." She lifted Maddie to her shoulder and quickly covered herself, although it certainly wouldn't be the first time he'd seen her bare breast. She handed him the burping cloth. "Put this over your shoulder." He took it and did as she instructed. "I'm going to hand her over to you and you just need to hold her against your shoulder, like I was. And then rub your hand over her back."_

"_Okay," he said, but she could tell he was still nervous._

_She smiled gently and rose up out of the glider, handing Maddie to him and then moving both her and then his hands and arms into the right position. When she sat back, she unexpectedly felt tears, as she watched him hold Maddie tightly and protectively against his shoulder. He closed his eyes and sniffed the top of her head and she caught her breath. She could see a softening of his face as he planted a very gentle kiss on her cheek. She knew then he would love Maddie forever and she felt a surge of longing for him. She watched as he rubbed his hand on her back, as though he'd done it his whole life. Maddie let out a burp and he looked up at her, a smile of wonder on his face. She leaned forward and rubbed his knee. "See? You're a natural," she said softly. He gave her a grateful smile._

"Come on in," he said, reaching for the empty car seat and then standing back so that she could walk in. He followed her, placing the car seat on the coffee table. He gestured towards the couch. "You wanna sit there?" he asked.

She had to smile, thinking she hadn't seen him this nervous since she'd first met him. She nodded and then walked around to set Maddie into the car seat. She dropped the diaper bag next to the table, then unzipped the side pocket and pulled out the light blanket she'd packed. She laid it across Maddie and tucked it in around her. Then she smoothed her dress underneath her as she sat.

He was still standing where he was. He seemed to almost be in a daze, but then she watched him seem to snap out of it. "You want tea?" he asked. "I made tea." She nodded. "Iced tea, though," he added, a little apologetically.

She smiled. "That's fine." He scurried off to the kitchen. She could hear cabinets opening and closing, hear the fridge open and ice cubes being added to glasses. She looked at Maddie, who was quiet, her eyes wide open. She leaned closer and whispered, "I think your father's a little nervous." Just then Deacon popped back into the living room with two glasses of iced tea. He walked over and handed her one. "Thanks," she said. He came around and sat next to her.

"So," he said, then paused. He cleared his throat. "So, you said she's my daughter. It's official?"

She nodded. "Yeah." He grabbed her hand and, after a moment, she put hers on top of his. "I already knew that though." He nodded. "How do you feel about it now?"

He glanced over at Maddie, then back at her. "Good. Good. I don't know nothin' about babies, though."

She grinned. "I didn't either. It's still all new to me."

"But you knew this was what you wanted. You're just a natural."

She laughed. "No, I'm not. I'm scared too. I'm afraid I'll drop her or get soap in her eyes. I stand by her cradle and watch her sleep, make sure she's breathing." She squeezed his hand. "But this was what you wanted too. And when you held her at the hospital, you looked like a natural too."

He looked back at Maddie. "All I ever wanted was to be a family with you, Ray." He looked back at her and she saw the mistiness in his eyes. "I'm glad you told me about her."

She frowned. "I couldn't have done anything else, Deacon. No matter what had happened between you and me, I could never have lied to you."

He took her other hand. "Baby, we should be doing this together." She started to respond, but he shook his head. "I know. You keep saying we can't, but, baby, we _can_. You and Maddie are my reasons to stay sober. Getting to watch her grow up, raise her up together. That's what we need to do."

She pulled her hands from his and clasped them in her lap. "No, we're not going to do that. Be together." She saw an angry frown cross his face. "Look, Deacon, nothing has changed. You just got out of rehab. We broke up. The way it is now is how it needs to stay. I'm planning to take a year off. We can both be here for all the things that happen this first year for her. Then, when I go back out, if you want to, you can come back to my band." She set her jaw. "If you're still sober."

He got up from the couch and paced the room, raking one hand through his hair. Then he stopped and glared at her. "Is that it then? You gonna make me beg for time with my own daughter? You gonna keep me at arm's length?"

She looked at him angrily. "Don't shout." He made a frustrated noise and face, turning away from her. "Deacon, I don't want to put any more pressure on you than I have to. You have to know that, more than anything, I want you to get better. I want you to figure out how to stay sober, so you can have this whole life with our daughter. But Cole was right. I need to let you do it on your own."

"I don't gotta be on my own, Rayna. Don't you trust me that I would never hurt her?"

She looked down at her lap, then back at him. "I can't," she said, feeling huge regret. "Not yet." She could see the anger on his face. "I'm not saying that won't change. But you and I both know what a tricky time this is. The only thing I regret about this is that I know you want to be part of her life. Part of _my_ life. But you still have a lot to work on and you know that." She stood up then and walked over to him, taking his hand. "We'll be together, Deacon. But as _parents_. For now, that's how it has to be."

He breathed in slowly. "You're saying things could change?"

She shrugged. "I don't know yet. I just don't want to rush it. This is important – _she's_ important – and I want it to work. For all of us." She lifted her hand and laid it on his cheek. "I _do_ love you, Deacon. I'll _always_ love you. And that's why I need things to be this way. I can't see into the future, so I can't make any guarantees. What I _can_ promise you is that we'll work together on raising our girl and being good parents." She waited as he considered what she'd said. Then he pulled her into his arms and held her close, kissing her on the forehead.

"Okay," he sighed.

She could feel the tears in her eyes as she held onto him tightly. In her heart, she wanted what he wanted. She wanted them to be together, in every way. But more than that, she wanted him to be that man he'd always promised her he'd be. The man she'd seen glimpses of, so she knew he could do it. There was a lot at stake. And a little girl who would need a father she could count on.

_**~nashville~**_

She woke up to the sun streaming in through the hotel window. She was laying on her right side, facing the windows, one hand underneath her pillow. She felt Maddie move inside her and she rested her hand on her belly. She closed her eyes, still feeling exhausted. She wondered what time it was. They were in Charleston and would be leaving for Atlanta at noon. Then she would do some radio for her record the next morning, before her show that night. And then they would head home to Nashville the morning after.

She slowly pushed herself up to a sitting position, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. She looked back over her shoulder and saw that it was just after nine. Bucky had really wanted to be sure she got a Nashville show and so she was performing the last show of her tour in three days, a little longer than she'd planned to be on the road. She was ready for it to be over. Even though her doctor said she'd done extremely well with her weight gain and that it was perfectly fine for her to be on stage, she was more tired than she'd expected. And she was ready to get off the road.

She pushed up off the bed and started walking towards the bathroom. She had expected more chatter about her pregnancy but people had been more considerate than she had expected. True, there was the typical speculation about who the father was but most of that had died down. She started the water running in the shower and waited for it to heat up, thinking about things she needed to do. She had a few things that she had picked up when she'd been out shopping. Cute little girl dresses, tiny shoes – even though Maddie wouldn't be able to wear those for a while. She had pink blankets and a big, pink M in a satin fabric for the nursery wall.

The water was warm enough to get in and as she soaped herself and washed her hair, she thought about the shower that some of her friends had planned after she got home. Autumn Chase and Faith Hill were planning a gala shower at Autumn's Cheatham County ranch. She planned to wait until after that to get things that were left. She had a list of furniture, which she went over in her head, and there was a christening gown that she had her heart set on. She smiled to herself as she thought about getting ready for Maddie to be born. She looked down at her stomach and pressed her hand against it, feeling the thrill of excitement as she imagined seeing her daughter for the first time.

That made her think about the letter she'd gotten from Deacon, where he promised her over and over to be a good father and to stay sober and to make her proud of him. He begged her to let him come home early, pleaded with her to take him back. She bit down on her lip. She hadn't responded to him, although she knew she needed to. He would be back in Nashville a month before her due date. She turned off the water and pushed back the shower curtain, retrieving a towel. She wrapped it around her head and then took another one to dry off. It was getting harder and harder to stay strong in her resolve to do this on her own. She supposed it was pregnancy hormones and the nesting instinct that made her think about making a home for the three of them. Wishing it could be the way she'd always dreamed it would be.

The room phone rang then and she pulled the towel as tightly around herself as she could and hurried to answer it. "Hey, Rayna," Bucky said.

She smiled. "Hey, Buck. What's up?"

"I was hoping maybe you could come down for a quick late breakfast so we could talk over some last details."

She made a face. She had hoped to take her time getting ready to leave. "Sure," she said, a little reluctantly. "I'll be down in about thirty minutes." She so appreciated Bucky, especially then, taking care of things, talking care of her, making sure she had everything she needed. But she really did just want to lie back down for a minute. Instead, she made her way to the closet and pulled out something to travel in. Her assistant would be up shortly to pack her things and she thought maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to be ready to go.

* * *

She slouched back in her seat, putting her feet on the bench in front of her. Bucky was sitting next to her, as the bus headed west on the highway towards Atlanta. At this point in her pregnancy, riding a bus wasn't a lot of fun, but today she was smiling. She looked over at her manager. "Platinum?" she asked.

Bucky smiled back at her. "It is. Probably double platinum before too long. Just another day for Rayna Jaymes."

She laughed. "Well, I don't know about _that_, but one day there won't be any more platinum records, so I'm not taking it for granted. And I'm gonna enjoy it while I can." She sighed then and the smile faded. "My first album without Deacon. Mostly."

"You haven't missed a beat, Rayna. I know it was a struggle to get a new lead guitar." He looked sympathetic.

_Struggle really wasn't the right word for it_, she thought. _It was pure hell._ Everything with Deacon had come to a head right at the end of her last tour. She'd watched him, yet again, fall off the wagon. As it usually happened, it started slow, with a few shots of whiskey after a show. She had hoped that, without Vince to encourage him, he wouldn't drink so much. He'd been having blackouts before his last trip to rehab, after Vince's death and his descent into his addiction once again, fueled by his sense of guilt. She had watched him fall harder and faster and deeper than ever before, but she'd told him he only had one more chance with her. She'd put him in rehab and, for the first time, started to envision a life without him. A life without the pain and volatility.

As was always the case, he came out of rehab clean and determined, being diligent about his meetings and working his program. But he hadn't completely gotten past the guilt and so slowly but surely, he'd headed back down that street of broken dreams and broken promises. When he had missed the last show of her tour, she'd tracked him down and found him passed out in a dive bar that had sticky floors and smelled of cigarette smoke and sweat. She had dropped him off at the house and gone to stay with Tandy. Three days later, she'd moved all of her belongings out of the house and into an apartment. The one he'd found and trashed after he found out about Teddy.

She sighed. Bucky looked at her with a frown. She gave him a tired smile. "It was more than a struggle, you know," she said. "I know I'm a perfectionist, Buck. And I know it drives you crazy."

He smiled. "One of these days you'll learn that good isn't the enemy of the perfect."

She raised her eyebrows and smirked. "Actually, yes it is." Then she felt her breath catch. "I _had_ perfect, Buck," she said, suddenly feeling on the edge of tears. "I can't settle for less." Her voice trailed to a whisper and she turned to look out of the window, blinking hard. Bucky wisely didn't say another word.

* * *

Deacon had been home a week. He'd told her when he'd be back, but Cole had told her he needed some time. Time to settle back in, time to figure out his next steps. It had been so much easier when he wasn't in Nashville. She'd finished her album, she'd finished her tour. She didn't talk to him often, but after she'd hang up, she would inevitably end up crying. She missed him. She _needed_ him. She didn't want to, but she did. Despite what she'd told him, she really did wish he could be there for support. As much as she considered it a foregone conclusion that he was her baby's father, the chance that he wasn't, as slim as that was, made her keep him at arms' length.

He'd called her that morning and she had agreed to meet him. And so now she stood in front of her mirror, wrapping a scarf around her neck and brushing her hair for probably the tenth time since she'd gotten dressed. She acknowledged to herself that she was nervous. Not only did she wonder about his reaction to her, but she wondered what her own reaction would be when she saw him. She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves, but it was useless. She had major butterflies and she thought about calling him to cancel. But, as she glanced over at the clock, she could see that, at this point, she was already going to be late.

* * *

She parked the car and slowly walked across the parking lot. She reached the little path that wound its way through the small, quiet park at the bend in the river. They had discovered it years before, back when things had still been new and exciting. Watty had been right when he told them that together they were special, magic even. She smiled a little to herself – she knew about the magic even then. There was an energy between the two of them that she knew showed on stage. She had wondered, sometimes, if they'd grow tired of each other one day. Living together, working together, always inseparable. They'd been so young back then that surely they couldn't really, truly know their hearts. But the love had always been there, even through the worst of it. It just hadn't been enough, in the end.

When she walked around a curve in the path, she saw him, sitting on the rock wall, right where they always sat. This had been their place, at least until they'd gotten the house in East Nashville. When the sun was shining and the air was bright and clean, they'd come to the park and talk and write. She'd asked him, when he called, where to meet and he'd said, "You know where." She _did_ know and a tingle had run up her spine when he'd said it. She stood there for a moment, just staring at him. He was looking out over the river, his hands clasped in front of him, the breeze rustling his hair. Her heart was in her throat and she was rooted to the spot.

He turned then, as though he had sensed her, and slowly stood up, his eyes fastened on her. She bit her lip, then smiled a little and raised up her hand. Her heart was pounding in her chest. He looked so good. And then as he stepped over the wall and started towards her, she could see that he looked healthy – his skin no longer sallow, his eyes clear, and he'd put on a little weight. Not too much, but enough so that he looked filled out. He stopped before he got to her, just letting his eyes sweep over her. She felt exposed somehow, a feeling she had never had with him before. "Hey, Deacon," she said. She could hear her voice, shaky and soft. She'd never felt nervous around him like this, never felt like he could be judging her. She waited.

A smile broke over his face. A happy, relieved smile. He walked closer, close enough that he could take her hand. "You look beautiful, Rayna," he said. She thought he sounded kind of breathless.

She could feel herself blush and she shook her head. "Thank you, but I'm not really…."

He frowned. "You're having a baby, Ray. It makes you even more beautiful." He worked his lip for a second. "I can't hardly breathe looking at you." He dropped her hand and gestured towards the wall. "You wanna sit?"

She nodded. "Yeah. That would be good." He put his hand on her elbow as they walked the short distance to the wall. They sat with their backs to the river. She turned towards him. "You look wonderful, Deacon. How do you feel?"

"Good. Good." He breathed in deeply, then took her hand. "You were right, I needed that long. I still wish I coulda been here with you, but I feel like I can do this now."

"Stay sober?"

His forehead creased a little. "Well, yeah, but be a father. Be the man you need."

"Deacon…."

He shook his head and frowned. "No, listen to me." She sighed. "I can do this, Rayna. You just gotta have faith in me."

"I _do_ have faith in you, Deacon. I always have. But, you know." She wanted to remind him of all the times he'd failed her, but decided that wouldn't be helpful. "You know I need to be sure you're ready for this. I want you to be a good father, Deacon."

He scowled. "You think I wouldn't love her? Or protect her?"

She tried to smile reassuringly. "I _know_ you'd love her. That you _do_ love her. I know you want to be the best father you can. But you've got a lot on you right now. You're sober now and I know you want to stay that way, so I don't want to overwhelm you."

"I ain't gonna be overwhelmed, Ray. I can do this."

She could see that he was getting agitated and it was making her feel the same. "Deacon, I'm not pushing you away. I'm really not. But I want us to just concentrate on the baby first, okay?" Just then Maddie kicked. She moved his hand and laid it flat on her belly where Maddie was kicking. She watched his eyes grow really wide and she smiled. "That's Maddie," she said softly. She watched him, looking to see if he'd get freaked out.

"Wow," he said finally. He moved his hand and put it on his knee as he breathed in and out. He looked at her and she could see something in his eyes. Not fear exactly, but maybe that he realized this was bigger than he'd expected.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

He just stared at her for a minute, then slowly nodded. "Uh, guess I didn't know what to expect exactly." He swallowed. "She do that a lot?"

She smiled at him. "Mm hm."

He breathed out and then stood up, taking a couple steps away. She looked up and watched him as he seemed to be wrestling with everything in his head and she wondered then if she'd done the right thing. She was worried it would be too much and he'd leave. _Things get tough and you get gone._ How many times had she said that to him over the years? The timing of all of it was so terrible and she was afraid it would send him back into the cycle.

Suddenly he knelt down in front of her, taking her hand. "Marry me, Rayna," he said, surprising her. "I wanna be there. Take care of you. Take care of her."

She hadn't expected that at all and put her hand on his. "Deacon, you just got out of rehab. You haven't been home but a week. You need to focus on your meetings and your program first. The rest can wait. I'll still be here. She'll still be here." She could see him start to interrupt her and she frowned, shaking her head. "We need to slow things down, Deacon. We don't have to do anything right now." She patted the wall with her other hand. "Come sit here and let's talk about what's next. Just take it a step at a time, okay?" She felt relieved when he finally got up and sat next to her.

* * *

Deacon put together the last of the baby furniture and Rayna had to admit she was glad he was there after all. As ungainly as she was now, she could not have done it herself. After Tandy had dropped her off, she was still angry at her father and the things he'd said at lunch. It also hurt as much as it ever had when he derided Deacon. She certainly knew all his faults, but also knew he loved her. _He has a disease_, she reminded herself. _It doesn't mean he doesn't love me or want to do better._

She had fixed them both some iced tea, after he'd finished with the furniture, and they sat in her living room and talked about what would happen after the baby came, how long she planned to be off the road, and what she had left to get ready. She appreciated that he didn't press her about their relationship or what her plans were for him, with regards to Maddie. Maddie was still pressing down on her bladder and she kept getting up to use the bathroom.

When she came back the last time, he looked at her with concern. "You okay, Ray?" he asked.

She sat back down on the couch and waved off his concern. "I have to pee all the time," she said. She smoothed her hand over her belly. "She's on my bladder." She made a face. "I don't know what's worse, that or when she presses on my ribs."

He still looked worried. "That supposed to happen?"

She shrugged and ran her hands over her belly again. "This is when babies are kind of crowded in there and they don't have many places to go." She looked over at his empty glass on the coffee table. "You want some more tea?"

He shook his head. "I'm good."

She got up then and picked up his glass, walking it to the kitchen and placing it in the sink. It helped some to walk. Maddie didn't press against her so much then. When she turned around, Deacon was right behind her. She looked up into his face and she could see need in his eyes, followed by a zinger to her core. She swallowed. Almost before she realized what was happening, he was standing so close to her, she could feel him. He threaded his fingers into her hair and leaned in to kiss her. At first she was startled, but then she could feel herself start to respond.

When he leaned in closer, sliding a hand around her waist, she pulled back, putting her hands on his chest, pushing him away from her. She was breathless, her whole body on fire, but she wasn't ready for this. Wasn't ready for the emotional wreckage that could be at the end of it. She didn't want to mislead him. His eyes were questioning her as she breathed in and out, trying to calm herself.

"We can't," she said, hearing her voice as a whisper. She shook her head. "We can't do this, Deacon."

She thought he would be angry, but instead he just looked hurt. "I love you, Rayna," he said, his voice hoarse. "I want you. I wanna make love to you."

She shook her head. "We can't," she said again. "I know it's all so confusing right now. But you know, you just got out of rehab and I don't want to complicate things. We need to concentrate on our daughter right now." She breathed in. "_You_ need to concentrate on staying sober."

"But you wanted it too, Ray. I could tell."

She _did_ want it, _still_ wanted it. She had missed this so much, craved it even, almost like it was a pregnancy craving. But she didn't want to be confused, and sex with Deacon would be confusing. Maybe one day, when she was convinced he was going to make sober work, but too much was at stake at that moment. A baby. One who could pay the ultimate price for her parents making bad choices. She shook her head. "I can't do this," she said firmly, shaking her head. Then she walked around him and out of the kitchen.

* * *

The cramps woke her up with a start. Only the cramps were more intense than she remembered. She raised up on her elbow and put her hand on her stomach. It felt hard and then the cramp seemed to subside. She breathed out and then laid back down on the bed. _Is this it? Is this labor?_ She'd been uncomfortable the day before, unable to sit comfortably, her back hurt, and she'd been irritable. She was a week late and ready for Maddie to be born. She had made Tandy come to her apartment before they'd gone to dinner the night before, because she felt like there were still things that hadn't been finished in the nursery, and she wanted her sister's help. She had rearranged the baby clothes in the closet and the chest of drawers, moved the bassinet under the window and the rocking chair where the bassinet had been. She had changed the crib sheets and put out a new blanket. She'd done all of that while Tandy had fussed at her to stop and tried to take things out of her hands.

That was why she thought her back had hurt, that she'd done too much. But it wasn't. It was time for Maddie to come. She looked over at the clock by her bed and saw that it was almost two in the morning. She thought about what her doctor had said, that she didn't need to come to the hospital at the first sign of labor. But she had no idea what to expect or what to do if something went wrong. She sat on the edge of her bed and wondered what to do. Finally she picked up the phone.

* * *

When the nurse put Maddie on her chest, cleaned up and swaddled, she had never known she could love so fully and deeply. Everything around her seemed to fade from her consciousness except for the tiny being in her arms. She gently touched the little wisps of dark hair on Maddie's head. She ran her finger across her cheek, feeling the soft skin. She leaned down and sniffed Maddie's hair. She had counted – ten toes, ten fingers. She had gazed at the most perfect being she had ever seen and cried tears of joy. Deacon's daughter. She knew it in her soul, had known it from the beginning, but when she'd looked at Maddie for the first time, it had confirmed it. She was no one's daughter but Deacon's.

Before long, she'd have the proof, but for now she just wanted to be Maddie's mama. She wanted to get used to the idea of having this perfect little being in her life and, for a little bit, feel like it was the two of them against the world. "All we need is each other," she whispered to her daughter. "I will always be there for you, sweet girl. No matter what we go through, I will never ever leave you or let you go. There's absolutely nothing in this world that will make me walk away from you." She kissed the top of Maddie's head and felt a tear roll down her cheek. "I didn't have my mom and my father kicked me out instead of supporting me. I will never let that happen to you." She laughed a little. "You're just not gonna be able to get rid of me that easily."

She looked down at her daughter, asleep in her arms. She felt a fierce love she knew would never stop until the day she died. She smoothed her fingers across her cheek and Maddie stirred just a little, but didn't wake up. Deacon would be coming soon and she was ready for him to see their daughter. She hadn't reached out to Teddy. She supposed she should have felt guilty for that, but she really didn't. She sighed. It might have been far easier if Teddy had been Maddie's father, but truthfully she was glad that would not be the case. She sat back in the chair and just stared down at Maddie, a smile on her face.

* * *

Rayna had just put Maddie down for a nap when the knock came at the door. She hated to walk away from the crib. Her favorite thing to do these days was to stand and watch her baby sleep. But she didn't want whoever it was to knock again, so she hurried to open it. It was a courier and he handed her a large manila envelope. She signed for it and then closed the door, leaning back against it. Her hands were shaking a little and she felt a little queasy. Now she would know for sure.

She took the envelope into the kitchen and laid it on the kitchen table. She walked over to the stove and moved the tea kettle to one of the front burners and turned it on. She opened the cabinet and reached for a mug, which she set on the counter. She found a tea bag and opened it, dropping it into the mug. As she waited for the water to heat, she walked to the table and stood, her hand on the envelope. She was sure she knew what was inside but it made her nervous all the same.

When the tea kettle started to whistle, she hurried back over and picked it up. She poured water into the mug and then waited while the tea steeped. When it was done, she added sugar and a touch of cream and then she went back to the table and sat. She picked up the envelope and held it, then put it back down. Inside this envelope were two pieces of paper, one that would lead to great joy and one that would lead to great sorrow. She could scarcely breathe, she was so anxious.

She slid a finger nail under the fold and gently tore open the envelope. She ran her tongue over her lips and then pulled out the two pieces of paper. What she was looking for was prominently displayed just a little below the center of the page, on a line all its own. _Probability of paternity – 99.9999%._ She slid the second one on top of the first. _Probability of paternity – 0%._ She swallowed hard and then her eyes slid just below. _The alleged father,_ _Theodore Conrad, is excluded as the biological father of the child named Madeline Jaymes._ She closed her eyes and breathed out slowly. She didn't have to look at the other, but she did anyway. _The alleged father,_ _Deacon Claybourne, is not excluded as the biological father of the child named Madeline Jaymes._ Which just meant that Deacon was officially Maddie's father.

She'd known it, of course. From the second she'd laid her eyes on her daughter, she'd known it. Truthfully, she'd known it from the moment she'd found out she was pregnant. Despite the small failure rate of condoms, she had known it couldn't have been anyone but Deacon. Now she had decisions to make.


	6. Chapter 6

It had been just as hard to walk away from Deacon when she left his house with Maddie as it had been every other time she'd left him. Actually, that wasn't really true. It was harder. Harder because they finally had everything they'd ever talked about having – that family they wanted, with Deacon sober and present. The family she'd stopped dreaming about somewhere in between the stays in rehab and the hospital stays and the nights in jail and the times he disappointed her by not showing up or causing a scene or walking away.

When she and Deacon had first gotten together, she had been over the moon in love with him. She'd fallen in love with him the first time she saw him, on the stage at the Bluebird. He'd told her he'd felt the same. When she had needed him, he took her in and stood by her. He was always there, as they navigated their careers together. He'd held her at night while she cried, during the battle she fought with her father to win her emancipation, so that she could make her own decisions about her life. The day the judge told her he was granting her request, it had felt bittersweet. It had never been where she thought she'd end up, but it had been the only thing she could do. And Deacon had been right there beside her, supporting her all the way.

As she and Deacon learned the ropes, playing at dive bars and honky tonks, writing songs whenever they had a spare moment, they grew closer. The love never faded, it only grew stronger. She had loved him even at the worst of times, through all the hell they'd put each other through. But she had learned to be careful and, when she got pregnant, she had to think about her baby first. She wanted him in Maddie's life, but she was still scared to have him in her own. The hurt and pain was still raw and she needed to learn to trust him again.

As she drove across the river and back to her apartment, she almost didn't realize that tears were streaming down her face. Maddie was asleep in her car seat and was oblivious to the chaos around her. Rayna's heart ached for him. Every time he touched her, even if it was just a casual brushing against each other, would make her want to jump out of her skin_. It would be so easy to just turn around. Go back and say 'this is what I want too. I want us to figure this out, because I don't know how to do this without you.' But I can't. The words have been right there, on the tip of my tongue, and I can't make the sounds. Something always holds me back. The memories hold me back. How did we get to this place? _

She wiped at her face and, at a stoplight, she pulled a tissue from her purse and patted the tears away, took a deep breath, and pushed all of what she feeling deep down inside, into a box that she could hide away, just like the boxes of memories she had in a window seat in her old bedroom at her father's house. If she pushed it down far enough and hid the boxes somewhere inconvenient, maybe she could figure out how to survive this. Maybe.

* * *

Maddie had fallen asleep in her bouncy seat while Rayna had cleaned up the kitchen. She smiled as she watched her sleeping daughter, then walked over and picked her up, placing her gently on her shoulder. Maddie stirred a little, smacked her tiny rosebud lips, and then settled down, never once opening her eyes. She ran her hand over the back of the baby's head and kissed her there gently. She walked down the hall to her bedroom and over to the crib. She switched on the little nightlight – a star with a soft yellow glow – and placed Maddie on her back, covering her with a light blanket. She stood for a few minutes, watching her daughter sleep. She smiled as she recalled the day Deacon had come over and switched out the cradle for the crib.

"_You sure about this, Ray?" he said, with a frown, after she'd explained what she wanted._

"_I like her with me, Deacon. And the cradle is just too small," she said stubbornly. They were standing in the nursery._

_He looked at her a little mulishly. "Well, I read that…."_

_She raised her eyebrows. "You __read__? You're going to tell me something you __read__?"_

_He slammed his hand on the little dresser. "I __do__ read, Rayna. Why's that so hard to believe?"_

_She let her face soften. "I'm not saying you don't read, Deacon. Of course you read. I do too. I'm pretty sure I've read every baby book ever written. But I'm her mama and I'm with her all the time. I think I know what Maddie needs. I don't need a book telling me how to be a mama." That had actually been something her friend Lee Ann Womack had told her. 'Don't take all those books as gospel, Rayna. Listen with your heart. You'll know what's best for __your__ baby.'_

_Deacon frowned again. "That's why I should be here. Or you should be with me. Both of you."_

_She rolled her eyes. "I don't want to argue about this again with you." She sighed, feeling irritated by how often he brought that up. "Will you switch the cradle for the crib for me please?"_

_He closed his eyes and shook his head. When he opened his eyes, she saw resignation there. "Yeah," he said. "I'll move it."_

She looked back down at their daughter. She was still young enough that it didn't matter that her father lived somewhere else. And while sometimes she would think it wouldn't be such a bad thing to do exactly as Deacon said and live together, she didn't think it was the best thing for either of them. She had never really been on her own until she got pregnant. She'd gone from her father's house to Deacon and then from Deacon to Teddy. She had realized about halfway through her pregnancy that she liked being responsible for herself and her own life. And now being Maddie's mama. Deacon needed time too, to take control of his life, and work hard at sobriety.

She reached out and ran a finger gently over Maddie's cheek. As her hair had started to grow out and her eyes had settled on a clear blue, she thought often how much she looked like Deacon. It was almost as though she had not been part of that equation at all. "I love you, baby girl," she whispered softly. "I will always be there, always take care of you. I promise."

She leaned against the crib for another minute, her hands wrapped around the rail, before she pushed up and walked out into the hall, closing the door quietly behind her. When she walked into the living room, she looked around at all the boxes. Everything had been cleaned off counters, bookcases, and tables, and packed into boxes, ready to move. She'd decided she wanted a real home for Maddie, a place where she could raise her daughter, with a backyard and enough space to spread out a bit more.

She had found an adorable little Tudor cottage in the Hillsboro area. It had three bedrooms, one of which she could use as a studio, and lots of character. Deacon had, of course, tried to dissuade her, but she wasn't ready for that. Didn't know if, or when, she might be. _I have to move on with my life, Deacon. I can't stand still. There's no crystal ball that's gonna tell me the future, so I just need to do what I think is best for Maddie and me in the moment._ He'd stormed out of the apartment then and she'd held her breath until he called her the next day, worried that she was pushing him back to his old habits.

* * *

She had been both surprised and thrilled the morning Bucky called to tell her to tell her she'd been nominated for four CMA's. Female vocalist of the year, album of the year, and both song and record of the year for 'This Love Ain't Big Enough'. Her album had gone double platinum and had gotten a lot of radio play. She wanted to go to the awards show, but didn't have anyone she could leave Maddie with. Tandy was usually her babysitter on the rare occasions she went anywhere on her own, but she had wanted to take her sister as her date.

Deacon asked her about it, one day when he had stopped by to visit Maddie. She always thought his real reason for coming was to see her, but he did like spending time with their daughter. She loved how his face always lit up the minute he saw Maddie and he would hug and kiss her until she squealed. But then he would look at her with a look of such naked longing that it hurt her heart. She would always love Deacon, but there had been so much pain in their lives that she didn't think she could open her heart to him again.

She would cry sometimes, at night, thinking about the young man she'd met when she was just sixteen. The young man who was kind and loving, who took her in when she had nowhere else to go. Their lives had become so connected, so entangled, that it was sometimes hard to know where one started and the other ended. Most people thought they would burn out, go up in flames, suffocate each other, but it had never happened. At least until the drinking got bad. Even then, it was more that she felt so exhausted, trying to hold him up, trying to save him from himself.

She had brought Maddie out to him that day and he had grabbed her out of Rayna's arms, pressing little kisses all over her little face. She watched as Maddie laughed and smiled at him, patting his face and his nose with her tiny hand. He looked at her then. "You ever decide about going to the CMA's?" he asked.

She made a face and shrugged. "I don't know. I don't have anyone I can leave Maddie with. Tandy's usually my babysitter." Tandy was going to be out of town, so not able to go with her after all, which was another reason not to go. She really did want to get all dressed up, though, and start getting back into the swing of things.

He frowned. "_I_ can keep her, Rayna," he said, a little angrily. "I'm her daddy."

She bit her lip. "Well…."

He scowled at her then. "When you gonna trust me with her? When you gonna trust me period, Ray?"

Her breath caught in her throat and she wasn't quite sure what to say. She knew he loved Maddie and he was good with her. Maddie adored him and the feeling was mutual. But she had not let him see her when she wasn't around, had not let him take her to his house, although he'd asked many times. It wasn't so much she didn't trust _him_, it was that she didn't trust how he might react if Maddie got sick or wouldn't stop crying or something like that.

She threw her hands out. "It just, oh, I don't know. I guess it's just that it's a long time and something could happen and you might, well, I don't know."

She could see the anger in his eyes and she saw that he tightened his hold on Maddie. He pointed at her. "She's my daughter, Rayna," he said, enunciating every word. "I'm her daddy. What do you think I'm gonna do? Do you think if she cries a little bit, I'm gonna get drunk?" He shook his head. "You seen me with Scarlett before. I never let nothing happen to her. Why would I let something happen to Maddie?"

Maddie was whimpering a little and Rayna rushed over and plucked her out of his arms, holding her tight again her shoulder. "Stop shouting!" she hissed. "You're scaring her."

He put his hands on his hips and scowled at her. "I don't even get why you told me she was mine if you don't want me near her."

She took two steps towards him. "I've never said that, Deacon. And I've never felt that way. But I need you to go to meetings and work…."

He glared at her. "Work my damn program. I get it, Rayna. I get it." He breathed in and out, then leaned his head towards her. "So when will I be sober enough for you, Ray? Huh? How long will it take before you actually trust me again? Two years, five years? Never?" Maddie reached her hand out towards him and tried to squirm out of Rayna's arms. A deep sadness filled his eyes then. "_She_ trusts me, Rayna. When will you?" Then he turned and headed for the door, leaving her staring after him.

* * *

In the end, she decided to let him come over and stay with Maddie while she met Bucky at the awards. He was right, she needed to start the trusting process. She wrote out all the numbers she could think of – Maddie's pediatrician, the hospital ER, poison control – and laid them out on the table. When the doorbell rang, she opened it apprehensively. "Hey, Deacon," she said as she let him in.

"Hey," he said. He walked in and turned as she closed the door. When she turned back, he looked at her with those puppy dog eyes that had always been her undoing. "Thank you for letting me do this, Ray. I promise, she'll be fine."

She nodded, trying to smile encouragingly at him. "Well, I put some numbers out on the kitchen table, just in case." She hesitated a moment. "I need to get dressed. You can have a seat in the living room. I'll bring Maddie out." He nodded and walked across the hall. She watched him, then went back to her room.

She wasn't performing or presenting, so she would be getting ready at home. She was wearing a pretty deep blue satin dress her stylist had found for her. She looked at herself in the mirror, turning side to side, pleased that she'd lost all the baby weight. Then she put in some spectacular earrings that draped to her shoulder and a simple single diamond necklace. She added bracelets and rings before brushing out her hair. She'd decided to just let it fall naturally around her shoulders. She walked over to the closet and slipped on some glittery, sparkly gold heels. She went back to the mirror and pulled at her hair, turned one way and then the other and smiled at the reflection she saw. Then she opened the door and walked down to Maddie's room.

Maddie was sitting in the corner of the crib with the white bear Deacon had given her the day she was born. Her daughter looked up and smiled, her two little bottom teeth showing. "Hey, there, my sweet girl," Rayna cooed. She scooped up Maddie and headed back to the living room. Maddie grabbed an earring and Rayna gently pulled it from her fingers, as she was walking in. Deacon turned and stood as she came around the couch. "Okay, she's all yours," she said, trying to hide the nervousness in her voice.

Deacon smiled at Maddie and held his hands out. "Hey there, sweetheart," he said. Maddie reached for him and he took her from Rayna. She was dressed in pink pajamas that Rayna loved on her. Deacon looked back at her. "Wow," he said, looking at her appreciatively. "You look amazing, Rayna." He turned to look at Maddie. "Don't Mama look pretty, Maddie?"

Maddie babbled something incoherent and Rayna smiled. "Thank you both," she said. She noticed lights fan out over the front door sidelights. "Well, perfect timing. My car's here." She kissed Maddie and then put her hand on Deacon's arm, letting it slide down part way. "All the numbers are in the kitchen" – she could feel him tense up – "just in case. And I'll come home right after."

She walked towards the foyer and picked up a wrap and her clutch bag. "Take your time. We'll be good," he said. He smiled. "Good luck, Rayna."

She turned back to look at him. He looked so handsome, holding their daughter, and, in that moment, she wanted to throw down the purse and wrap and run into his arms. But she tamped down the urge and let herself out the front door.

* * *

She got home later than she'd meant to, but it would have been rude to walk away from everyone who wanted to congratulate her, as Bucky had whispered in her ear. Eventually she'd been able to break away and she sat back against the seat in the limo, closing her eyes as the car snaked its way out of downtown and then picked up speed once they got to West End. It had been a crystal clear night and the electricity at the awards had been thrilling. She'd forgotten how much she had missed this, the excitement, the beautiful dresses, the amazing performances. And, of course, the awards. She opened her eyes and looked over at the two CMA award statuettes next to her. Female vocalist of the year and song of the year. She couldn't believe she'd actually won a songwriting award. She and Deacon had once, for 'The Rivers Between Us', but she always gave him the lion's share of the credit for that one.

When she got out of the limo, she had thanked the driver, then hurried up to the door. She let herself in. The house was dark except for a lamp in the living room. When she rounded the corner, she saw Deacon stand up and stretch. She could feel her heart beating faster as she looked at him. He had a light red mark on his cheek from either his hand or the pillow he'd laid on. His hair was tousled and hung down over his forehead and his shirt was slightly creased. He gave her a sleepy smile. "Congratulations, Ray," he said, his voice still rough with sleep. "'Specially for the songwriter award."

She smiled, feeling herself blush. "I was so surprised about that one. I thought I had a shot at record of the year, but never thought I'd win for song."

He walked around the couch to stand with her in the foyer. "Me and Maddie were real proud of you."

She raised her eyebrows. "You kept her up?"

He shook his head. "Nah. She just woke up right before female vocalist of the year, so we watched together. She's asleep again now."

She set the two statuettes down on one of the lamp tables. "Did you have any trouble?" she asked.

"Nope. She pretty much slept through."

She breathed out, as though she'd been holding her breath for a long time. "Thank you, Deacon." She smiled. "I really mean that."

He nodded. "Happy to do it." She saw something in his eyes then, as though he were hoping she'd ask him to stay. The silence stretched out and then finally he took a step towards her. He put his hands on her arms and leaned in to kiss her on the forehead. "Congratulations again, Ray. You deserved it." He walked to the door and then looked back. She felt like she could scarcely breathe. She finally broke the electricity in the air by looking away. "I'll see you later," he said softly and she heard a tinge of melancholy in his voice.

She glanced at him quickly and nodded. "Thanks again, Deacon." She watched him open the door and step out. She walked up to the door and closed it gently behind him, then leaned against it, her cheek against the wood. A tear rolled down her face.

* * *

She had decorated her house for Maddie's first Christmas. Even though she knew none of it would register for a baby, she had wanted to start traditions early. She remembered how her mom would always make Christmas special for her and Tandy and she wanted to do the same for Maddie. Tandy had gone with her to pick out a tree. Not too tall, but lush and full. It filled her little house with the smell of Christmas. She had gone to her father's house and picked out some of the ornaments she had loved as a child and then decorated the tree herself. She put up garlands on the stair rails and a wreath on the front door.

On Christmas Eve, she dressed Maddie in a festive red and white dress and put a tiny green bow in her hair. They had gone for a traditional Christmas Eve dinner at her father's house, but she'd insisted on going home to celebrate Christmas morning with her daughter. Just the two of them. She sat with Maddie, looking at the tree, first thing Christmas morning. She thought about all the things she wanted to do with her daughter as she got older. She wanted to collect decorations they could put out around the house. They could bake cookies together and sing Christmas carols and wear their pajamas all day. She smiled as she listened to Maddie's cooing and little noises. She felt at peace.

Deacon came over just before lunchtime with gifts for Maddie. It had felt like family and, for a moment, she'd wistfully thought about the possibility of that one day being a reality. But she was grateful that Deacon didn't bring it up and didn't start a fight. She was glad he was in Maddie's life, but she was also glad not to have to navigate all the other complexities of their history together on that particular day. When he was ready to leave, he held Maddie close and kissed her on the cheek. He handed her back to Rayna and, then he hesitated.

She frowned. "What?" she asked.

He breathed in and his eyes turned sad. "It don't have to be like this, Rayna," he said, a pleading sound to his voice. "You know that. I'm good. We got Maddie. We should be together raising her. We should be doing all this" – he waved his hand towards her Christmas tree – "together."

She closed her eyes for a second, then focused back on him. It was easy to forget sometimes that he'd ever been a mess. It was easy to block out the times she had to pull him out of a hotel or a bar, the nights she'd sit with him on the floor of the bathroom while he was sick, the times he didn't show up for her. Especially when he looked like this, clear-eyed and healthy. If anything, she was more attracted to him than ever. His hair was groomed and a little bit of it hung over his forehead, his color was normal, and he'd let his beard grow out just a bit and she thought it made him look even more handsome. And then there was the fact that he was Maddie's father. But she steeled herself and shook her head. "We're not ready for that, Deacon," she said.

He looked mulish. "When will we be?" he asked.

She held onto Maddie a little tighter. "I don't know. Maybe we won't be. Maybe we'll just do this." She took a deep breath. "We're not ready," she said again. "You still have a lot of work to do anyway. A lot to prove."

He put his hands on his hips and huffed. "You don't have faith in me. That's it," he said angrily.

She struggled with what to say. She wanted to have faith in him. She wanted to believe in him. But he'd been in this same place before, promising things he couldn't deliver. "Deacon, I want you to get better. But you need to do this for yourself. Not for me, not for Maddie."

He still looked at her stubbornly. "But you're alone," he protested.

She shook her head. "No, I'm not." She sighed. "Look, right now things are the way they need to be. You can be in Maddie's life as much as you want, but I'm not making decisions about you, about us, because of her." Maddie started to whimper and she looked down at her daughter. "Look, she's tired and I need to put her down for a nap." She put a smile on her face. "Thanks for Maddie's presents and for coming by."

He looked like he was going to argue with her and she could tell he was still put out. He reached out and let his fingers glide over Maddie's head and then he turned and walked out without another word. She stood in the foyer for a few minutes after he left. _I'm not ready. I've heard it all before._ She ran her fingers down Maddie's back. _And my whole focus needs to be on her._ She walked back to the nursery and put Maddie in her crib. She stood beside it and ran her finger back and forth over Maddie's cheek until she closed her eyes and fell asleep. She looked down at her baby and felt tears well up. _it's you and me, sweet girl. We can do this together, the two of us._

She finally walked down the hall to her room. She walked towards her bed, taking her shoes off as she went. Maddie wasn't the only one who needed a nap. She laid down on the bed, pulled a throw up over her and rested her head on the pillow. She fell into a sleep filled with dreams about Deacon – loving, fighting, tied together with pain. When Maddie's cries woke her up later, she sat up on the edge of the bed, feeling unsettled and unsure. About everything.

* * *

Later that night, after Maddie was in bed and she curled up on the couch in front of the fire and the Christmas tree with a cup of hot chocolate, her thoughts went back to Deacon. He'd been out of rehab nearly nine months and she'd already started to feel some of the anxiety she'd felt before, when he got close to a year back home. She wanted him to be able to do it this time, for his sake as well as Maddie's. But as she felt the warmth of the fire and gazed over at the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree, she acknowledged that she wanted it for herself too. It still scared her though and she wondered if she would ever feel like she could take that chance again.

* * *

They'd had snow in late January. It was enough to make travel difficult for a couple days, especially in neighborhoods like hers. When the sun finally broke through and temperatures moderated, she was ready to get out of the house. It was still chilly, so she bundled Maddie up and headed for the garage. "You want to get out of this house, sweetie?" she asked Maddie. The little girl bounced in her arms, waving her hands around, making her smile. "You and me both, girl," she said with a laugh.

She thought a walk through the mall would be a good idea, so that's where they headed. When they got there, she put Maddie in her stroller and then headed towards the entrance. They had made it about halfway around the upper level when she heard someone call her name. She looked around and was surprised to see Teddy. Teddy and a woman. She stopped and waited for them to walk over.

Teddy smiled. "Hey there, Rayna," he said.

She smiled too, her performance smile. "Hey, Teddy. Didn't expect to see you here."

He inclined his head towards the petite, dark-haired woman with him. "Peggy needed to pick up a dress," he said. He glanced over at the woman he called Peggy. "Oh, um, Peggy Reid, this is Rayna…."

Peggy smiled brightly. Maybe too brightly, Rayna thought. "Oh, wow, Rayna Jaymes," she gushed. "I'm such a huge fan of yours." She reached her hand out and, after a second, Rayna took it, putting her other hand over and squeezing gently, the way she would do with a fan at a meet and greet. Peggy glanced down at the stroller. "Is this your little girl?" she asked, bending down to look at Maddie.

Rayna looked at Teddy, who seemed a little uncomfortable, then down at Maddie. "Uh, yeah, this is Maddie."

Peggy stood back up. "She's adorable," she said, her voice overly perky. It occurred to Rayna then that Peggy would have heard the speculation about Teddy possibly being Maddie's father, something she had chosen not to address until after Maddie was born.

Teddy glanced over towards the stroller, but made no move to really look at Maddie. "She _is_ cute, Rayna," he said, sounding a little uncomfortable. "Um, so did you and Deacon, uh…."

She shook her head. "No." She hated this conversation, so she gave both Teddy and Peggy one of her best performance smiles. "It was so nice to see you, Teddy, and meet you, Peggy," she said, looking from one to the other, "but I think we're about ready to go. Maddie needs a nap." She started to push the stroller, glancing back and waving. "Y'all have a good time." She headed back around to the exit, not wanting to run into them again.

* * *

Maddie was asleep in her car seat on the floor and Tandy walked back into her den with tea. She handed a cup to Rayna and then sat on the other end of the couch. Rayna sipped on the tea. "Did I get it right?" Tandy asked.

Rayna smiled. "Perfect. Thanks."

"So are you going to tell me why you came over? Not that I'm not happy to see you and my niece, of course, but something clearly happened to bring you here." Tandy raised her eyebrows and took a sip of her own tea.

Rayna put down her cup, thinking about the encounter at the mall. She sat back, looked at her sister, and sighed. "Well, I had the idea to go to the mall with Maddie. Just to get out and walk around, maybe do a little shopping if something struck me." She made a face. "And then, of all people to run into, I saw Teddy. And Peggy." She did a little shimmy when she said Peggy's name.

Tandy looked amused. "Ah, yes, Teddy's new girlfriend. Well, actually, I guess she's not that new anymore. Or at all." Rayna looked confused. "She was his college sweetheart, as I understand it, and now she's back here in Nashville. So they reconnected."

"Well, whatever, it was still awkward."

"Why?" Tandy set down her own tea. "Did it make you feel, well, like you let him go too soon?"

Rayna frowned. "No, of course not. Why would you say that?" She crossed her arms over her waist.

Tandy shrugged. "Teddy's a good catch, Rayna. He really, really liked you. I really think he _loved_ you. He wanted to _marry_ you."

Rayna rolled her eyes. "He offered to marry me to get me out of what he thought was a bind. As though I needed a man to make me look legitimate." She huffed. "Honestly, Tandy, why did anyone think I needed someone to marry me because I was pregnant? So I wouldn't have some scarlet letter on my chest? The poor unwed mother thing?"

"That's not what I meant. He was just giving you a choice, sweetheart. I mean, he knew about Deacon and he knew what an absolute mess _he_ was. You could have married Teddy and no one would have been the wiser about who Maddie's father was. Especially Deacon."

Rayna scowled. "I can't believe how clueless you can be sometimes, Tandy. And wrong. Wait, maybe I can. Seems like you've turned into Daddy." She pushed up from the couch and looked down at her sister. "I don't need this, Tandy. You of all people should know that a woman doesn't have to have a man. I've made my own way since I was sixteen years old. I fought for my career and for everything I've achieved up to this point. I don't need a man – _any_ man – to take care of me and make me respectable. I live my life with integrity and I'm true to myself. As long as I do that, I'll be fine." She walked over to Maddie, reaching down to pick up her car seat. "And as far as Deacon is concerned, I'm not a liar." She headed for the door.

Tandy jumped up and ran after her, grabbing her arm. "Sweetheart, you misunderstood."

Rayna shook her head. "No, Tandy, I don't think I did." She set Maddie's car seat on the floor and slipped on her coat.

"I'm just saying that Teddy would have been there for you," she said, a pleading look on her face. "You just wouldn't have had to do this on your own."

Rayna pulled her arm away and picked up her purse, along with Maddie's car seat. Then she turned back to her sister. "I told you from the very start that I was going to do this on my own. That I _wanted_ to. I don't know why you didn't believe me." She reached for the door knob and pulled the door open. She gave Tandy one last look. "I thought I could count on you. Now I realize I can't." She stepped out onto the front stoop and pulled the door closed behind her. As she walked out to the street to get in her car, she couldn't stop the tears rolling down her face.

* * *

She had planned a small, intimate party in her backyard for Maddie's first birthday. She knew Maddie wouldn't have any idea what was going on, but she was going to do it anyway. She'd only invited family and a few close friends. Plus Deacon. She hoped her father wouldn't create a problem. He never missed an opportunity to tell her what a mistake she'd made in letting him be part of Maddie's life, so she had no confidence he would heed her warnings not to make a scene, not to poke at Deacon.

She had a small cake with a single candle on it. She had decorated the tiny backyard with Happy Birthday banners and balloons. The weather had cooperated and it was mild, with clear skies, brilliant sunshine, and a light breeze. She dressed Maddie in a little skirt and light sweater outfit, with white tights and tiny little shoes. Maddie had been walking for a month – more like running, actually – and had stopped fighting the shoes.

She sat her daughter in her vanity chair and brushed her hair. Maddie fought her a little, swiping at her mother's hand and turning her head this way and that. Rayna laughed. "Sweetie, be still for Mama, okay?" Maddie frowned, grabbing at the curlers in her hair. "Don't you want to look pretty for Daddy? And your aunt Tandy and your grandfather?" Maddie shook her head harder, shouting out baby noises. Finally, though, she got a little pink ribbon in Maddie's hair and then she looked over at the clock. She had less than fifteen minutes to get ready before Deacon got there, so she needed to hurry.

She put on a pink flowered sundress and then layered a denim jacket over it. She stepped into some flats, then pulled out the curlers and brushed out her hair into soft waves over her shoulders and back. She leaned into the mirror, quickly putting on some makeup. She was actually looking forward to getting back out on the road, where she could have her hair and makeup done for her. As she considered that, she smiled at her reflection. She'd be back in rehearsals the next week for her tour starting just before Memorial Day. She felt a tingle of excitement as she thought about it. She had missed the road.

She was putting on her lipstick when the doorbell rang. She threw the tube down on the counter and walked over to scoop Maddie out of her bouncy chair. She settled her on her hip, then straightened the little bow on her daughter's head. She was hurrying down the hallway when the doorbell rang again. "Alright, alright, I'm coming! Keep your shorts on!" she said out loud as she rounded the corner into the foyer. She could see Deacon through the window, standing on the stoop. She opened the door and handed Maddie to him. "Come on in," she said, turning towards the kitchen. "I've got to get everything ready to go outside." And then she raced to the kitchen to pull the party food out of the fridge.

* * *

Deacon was outside on the patio as Rayna saw her father and Tandy out, the last guests to leave. She was trying hard not to lose her cool. "Thank y'all for coming," she said stiffly.

Lamar looked at her with a smirk. "Well, now that sounds like we're just two acquaintances, Rayna, instead of your family." Tandy put her hand on his arm and frowned at him.

Rayna breathed in and put a fake smile on her face. "You're _not_ my family, Daddy," she said, in a tone that would have suggested she was having a pleasant conversation with someone. "So I think you _are_ kind of an acquaintance. And one I'm ready to have leave my house."

Tandy opened the door, taking their father's arm, as his face turned dark with anger. "Daddy, go get in the car," she said sternly.

He looked at her. "I don't need you talking to me with disrespect either, Tandy," he said.

She shrugged. "Go get in the car anyway. I'll be there in a minute." He hesitated, but finally walked out. Tandy watched and then turned to give her sister an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I did tell him he needed to behave and not cause a scene."

Rayna rolled her eyes. "Well, we see how _that_ went." She sighed. "He's not your responsibility, Tandy. He's a grown man and he knows better."

"Well, I'm sorry anyway." She leaned in and kissed her sister on the cheek. "It was a very nice party, even if Maddie did get a little cranky at the end. And it's always good to see you."

Rayna nodded. "You too." Tandy headed out onto the stoop and down the steps and Rayna closed the door behind her, leaning back against it and closing her eyes.

"They gone now?" She opened her eyes to see Deacon standing in the hallway.

She nodded. "Yes. And I'm sorry…."

He shook his head. "It's okay. I'm used to Lamar by now." He gave her a sly smile. He lifted his hand and that was when she noticed the small wrapped box. "This is for you," he said.

She took it. "Are you sure you don't want to wait until Maddie wakes up?"

He smiled. "It ain't for Maddie." She looked at him with confusion. "It's for _you_."

She was surprised. "Deacon…."

"Just open it, Rayna." She did, unwrapping it and putting the paper and bow on the foyer table. She could see it was a jewelry box and it made her anxious. She looked at him questioningly. "It ain't a ring. Don't worry," he said, with a sad smile.

She opened the box and saw a delicate gold chain with a small gold wrapped diamond. She looked at him. "It's beautiful, but why?"

He shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged. "It's a mother's necklace. With Maddie's birthstone. Just to thank you, for her." He reached for the box and took the necklace out. She swallowed over a lump in her throat. It was such a sweet gesture, on a very special day. "Can I put it on you?" he asked.

She smiled and nodded. "Yes, please." She turned around, her back to him, and he put the necklace around her neck. She felt the electricity of his touch when his fingers lingered against her skin as he fastened the necklace. Then he ran his fingers down her shoulders and kissed her neck. She stepped away. "Deacon, no." She breathed in and out, then turned to face him. Instead of looking angry, he just looked sad. "No," she said softly.

For a minute she thought he might cry. His eyes got that look they did when he got really emotional and he turned them upwards, as though he were trying to keep her from seeing his pain. She felt a cold chill down her spine as she considered that her repeated refusals might send him back into the cycle. But she couldn't say yes just to appease him. He looked back at her then and her heart ached. "Why, Ray?" he asked.

She stepped closer to him and took his hands in hers. She ran her tongue over her bottom lip as she considered what to say. "There are a lot of reasons," she said finally. "One is that you're still feeling your way, focusing on staying sober. I'm so proud of you for how far you've come and I want you to stay the course." She smiled encouragingly. "But the other thing is that _I_ really need this time for me."

He frowned. "I don't understand."

"Well, you know I was sixteen years old when I left home." He nodded. "And even though I emancipated myself, I just went from that home to yours."

"You saying you're sorry you did that?" He seemed to bristle at that.

She shook her head. "No, no, of course not. That was a really amazing time in my life. It was also a really painful one."

He breathed in. "If I coulda changed that, Rayna, I would. You know that. I never wanted to hurt you," he said.

She nodded. "I know." She squeezed his hands gently. "I also went straight from you to Teddy." She could see his cheek twitch at Teddy's name. "What I realized, when I found out I was pregnant, was that I really needed to see if I could do this on my own. Stand on my own two feet, be responsible for myself. And Maddie. I need to figure out who I am, Deacon."

He breathed in, a deep, shuddering breath. "I love you, Rayna," he said, and she heard the emotion in his voice.

"I know you love me, Deacon. I've never doubted that. And I love you too. But I can't even think about that until I know I can stand on my own. I don't know what will happen. I'm trying not to think too far ahead. But, you know, you're still part of my life. And Maddie's life. You'll always be, no matter what. Let's just take some time."

He started to say something, but then seemed to think better of it. He nodded. "Okay." He pulled his hands from hers and then leaned in to kiss her on the forehead. Then he turned and walked to the door, pulling it open and letting himself out.

She stood staring at where he'd been, hoping and praying that he didn't fall.


	7. Chapter 7

Rayna looked across the parking lot at the three buses and tractor trailer lined up and it gave her a thrill. It never failed to make her shake her head to think how far she'd come. This would be her first big headlining tour, all arenas. The largest tour she'd done yet. The success of _Until You Kissed Me_ and the CMA awards had enhanced the excitement of her fans, looking forward to her return to the stage. And with the drop of her album _Big Open Skies_ the week before, she was riding a high she hadn't expected.

They had timed pull out for right around the time of Maddie's nap and Rayna hoped she'd go down easily and adapt to the bus. She tightened her grip on her daughter, who lay with her head on Rayna's shoulder and a finger in her mouth, her eyes drooping. She smiled. "Your first tour, Miss Maddie," she said softly. "I hope you love this as much as I do."

She watched as they loaded the last of her wardrobe into the trailer. Her regular clothes were already either on her personal bus or in the cargo hold, along with Maddie's clothes, toys, crib and stroller. It hadn't hit her until a few days before they were to pull out just how much she needed to take for her daughter. The other two buses were for her band and her support team – her stylists and hair and makeup. She also had an au pair riding the bus with her, who would take care of Maddie when Rayna was on stage and at publicity events.

"This is the big time, for sure." Bucky's voice came from just next to her.

She turned to him and smiled. "It's hard to believe. I mean, after all these years, finally a major headlining tour."

Bucky smiled. "Well, to be fair, you've been headlining for several years now."

She ran her hand over Maddie's back. "Yeah, but not all arenas." She breathed in. "The idea of filling up twenty thousand seats a night." She let that sink in. "You did an incredible job, Buck."

He shook his head. "I just took care of the contracts. You, my dear, are the one who made this happen. You stayed focused on what you wanted, in spite of everything." He looked at her and she knew what he meant – in spite of Deacon and the damage he'd left in his wake. And now Deacon would be back. Bucky looked around. "Where _is_ Deacon, by the way?"

"Um…" Just then she saw his truck turn into the parking lot. "Right there." She let out a tiny sigh of relief she didn't even know she was holding inside.

She felt a little shiver run down her spine then. She had told Deacon, way back when she'd first told him she was pregnant, that he could come back into her band. Not only had she been dissatisfied with his replacement – not that he was a bad guitar player, but he just wasn't Deacon – but it meant he could spend time with Maddie. Still, it had felt a little stilted when he'd showed up for the first rehearsal. Everyone knew, of course, that he was Maddie's father, and she had felt like everyone was watching, to see what might happen between the two of them. Almost all the members of her band had been around since the beginning and so they'd been there when everyone was on one bus and they knew how volatile her relationship with Deacon had been.

And then, of course, there was Deacon himself. Having him on stage with her again just stirred up everything. How they interacted on stage had always been, in large part, because they were together. Their lives were so intricately entangled then, had been almost from the moment they'd met, and it showed when they performed together. It had been a rare night when they hadn't tumbled out of a venue, hands all over each other, almost unable to wait to get on the bus or to the hotel. In fact, there were plenty of times when he would hustle her into a dressing room or even a closet, not able to wait at all. He would unzip his jeans and pull down her panties and thrust inside her – hard and rough – just to satisfy the _need_ they had for each other, after a night singing about that all-consuming love. She felt her cheeks get warm just thinking about it and so she looked at her daughter, trying to calm her nerves.

Deacon would be on the band bus. That was the plan. That was the rule she'd set. He'd been pissed. Not that he'd expected to sleep on her bus, when they traveled overnight, but he wanted to spend that time with Maddie. She wasn't sure she could handle it though, being that close, with nowhere to run to if things got too deep.

She had discovered that she liked taking care of herself and her daughter, truthfully. She liked having the freedom to make her own decisions and she wasn't ready to give that up. It wasn't that she hadn't been able to make those decisions before, but when she and Deacon were together – or even when she was with Teddy – there was always someone else to consider. Someone didn't always get their way. She didn't want to feel like she _needed_ a man, the way Tandy seemed to imply. What she believed was that, when the time came that she _wanted_ a man, she would know herself better. So Deacon wouldn't ride her bus. That was her rule.

* * *

They'd just finished sound check in Memphis, the first stop on the tour. The band and backup singers left the stage, but Rayna couldn't move. She just looked up to the top of the arena and imagined it filled with fans, later that night. Her heart felt full and she felt like she was home. Standing on a stage, whether it was for a handful of people or fifteen thousand, felt like the place she was always meant to be. It had felt that way from the beginning, even when she was scared to death she would fail. She crossed her hands over her chest and just soaked it in.

Then she turned and walked off the stage, headed for the arena walkways. She took escalators all the way up to the nosebleed seats and found the section that faced directly on the stage. As she walked down the steps, she saw Deacon, sitting where they'd always sat when they were doing this together. She slowed her walk, but he'd heard her footsteps, and had turned to see her. She raised her hand and smiled, then got to his row and walked over to where he was. She sat down next to him.

They didn't say anything at first. She realized she should have known he'd be there. It had been their ritual, although back then it had also been an opportunity to make out. And more. She felt the heat in her face as she remembered these seats were not comfortable seats for sex. She'd gotten her share of bruises as she'd slammed a knee or shin against an armrest. She wondered if Deacon was thinking the same thing.

"So you still do this?" he asked, finally breaking the silence.

She nodded, breathing out slowly. "I do." She flattened her hands on the armrests. "I've never forgotten how important it is to consider the people way up here, who can only really see us on the big screens." She smiled at him. "You started a great tradition."

He looked back out over the arena and nodded. "I thought you might not want to, that it would bring up…memories."

She thought about what to say. "All my memories aren't bad ones," she said finally. He looked at her and she saw a mix of hurt and regret in his eyes. She smiled a little. "I have to admit though, that when I got so big" – she made a gesture as though she was smoothing her hand over her belly – "it was just too much. So I didn't do it then."

He smiled, his eyes crinkling a little around the edges. "You didn't look like that," he said.

She grinned. "Close."

He breathed in. "I seen pictures of you on stage then. You looked good."

She smirked. "Well, thank you, but I can promise you that I'll never do that again. I'd stop touring sooner." She clasped her hands together over her lap. "I'd never felt so exhausted in my life. I felt like all I did for the last six or seven weeks I was on tour was to be on stage and then go to sleep. I can't tell you the number of times Bucky had to wake me up when we got to the hotel after a show."

He looked at her and gave her a half smile. Then they fell silent. Not an uncomfortable silence, just tentative. She was grateful to have him back in her band, supporting her. She could feel how much better everything was with him back. The arrangements were tighter, the band worked better together, and, of course, she felt more like herself on stage. He always made her better.

"You ever think this would happen? All those years ago?" Deacon broke the silence.

She turned towards him. "I wanted it. I dreamed about it. I imagined it. It was all I'd ever wanted. For a long time, though, I wasn't sure I'd ever feel as good as I did that first night at the Bluebird."

He smiled. "You were pretty damn amazing that night. Sure turned my head." She could feel herself blush. "Watty knew you had it."

She smiled, feeling embarrassed. "I'm sure he's breathing a sigh of relief now."

He tapped her arm with his fingers. She felt like where he touched was on fire. "Look at you now. Three tour buses. A trailer for all your gear. That's a long way from a truck."

That was true. They'd started out taking Deacon's truck anywhere Watty could get them some time on stage. Watty had been kind enough to bail them out when Deacon's truck broke down and eventually they were able to get a better, albeit still used, truck. The one Deacon still drove. She grinned. "You're right, it is. But it took a while to get to this, you know." She looked back out towards the stage. "You remember the first time we did this?"

"I do. Your first arena tour."

She laughed softly. "Well, it wasn't mine, as you recall. It was George Strait's. _And_ we were the openers for the opener's opener. It was a long time before I even got _one_ bus, if you remember."

He nodded. "True." After a moment, he stood. "I'm, uh, gonna get back. See you backstage."

She looked up. "Yeah." He turned and started walking away from her down to the aisle. "Hey, Deacon," she called out. He turned back. "Thanks for coming back."

He nodded. "Thanks for asking." She watched as he walked to the aisle, then headed up to the section entrance. When he was out of her sight, she took a deep breath and dabbed at the corners of her eyes. Some things didn't change, she supposed, even when everything else had.

* * *

Just before the first tour break, Rayna got sick. She supposed it was from being surrounded by people, backstage or at after parties, or even at radio station promos. The last couple nights out she'd felt like she was dragging. Not that she would ever have shown that to her audiences, but at the end of the night, she was barely able to get back to her room before she'd crash. She was trying to keep from getting Maddie sick, but the little girl would cry for her mama, not wanting to go to the au pair.

When the buses pulled up back in Nashville, she wasn't sure she could put one foot in front of the other. She didn't know what she was going to do about Maddie. The au pair was only with her when she was on tour and in rehearsal, so that wasn't an option. She had decided maybe she would wear a mask to keep from getting Maddie sick. But she felt like she needed to be taken care of too.

She got off the bus with Maddie on her hip. She saw Deacon exit his bus and she found herself wondering if she could ask him to take Maddie for a few days. But then she argued with herself, not sure she was ready yet to turn their daughter over to him to take care of alone. _Old fears and all that._ She had had to admit to herself, though, that he was doing amazingly well and he certainly loved Maddie. But the idea of him taking Maddie to his house worried her.

He saw her then and hustled over to her, taking Maddie from her. He furrowed his brow as he looked at her. "You still not feeling good?"

She shrugged. "I'm sure it's almost over. A night in my own bed and I'm betting I feel much better tomorrow."

"Not if you're up and down with her all the time," he said, nodding towards Maddie.

He'd asked her before about taking Maddie on his own and she'd made vague excuses why he couldn't, which made him angry, feeling like she didn't trust him. The truth was, she wasn't sure _she_ was ready for that. But she also couldn't argue with the fact that Maddie was a handful these days and would make it hard for her to get the rest she needed. "I don't know," she said.

He scowled. "I can do it, Ray. Or maybe I just come stay at your house. Take care of both of you."

That she really didn't want. "We don't need everyone getting sick," she said. "That's not a good plan. We're only home for a week." He'd caught her at a weak moment, though, as all she really wanted to do was crawl into her bed and sleep. She sighed. "You have to call me if _anything_ comes up. I mean, _anything_ at all, no matter how small it may seem."

His eyes widened and a smile started to cross his face. "Really?"

She wavered. "Do you even have somewhere she can sleep?"

He nodded. "I do. I got a crib. And some other things."

That surprised her. "Did someone help you with that?"

He bit his lip. "Audrey." That made her feel better. Audrey Carlisle would have been careful to be sure he had what he needed. And Audrey and Cole lived near Deacon.

"You could call Audrey too. If you need anything." He started to frown again and she held up her hand. "It's not that I don't trust you, Deacon, but it's the first time you'd be keeping her. What if she won't stop crying? Or she bumps her head, or something? I mean, she's a baby. That's normal stuff. I just don't want you to think you can't ask for help if you need it."

He hesitated, then nodded. "Okay." He breathed in. "So, let me come get some things for a couple days and then you can let me know when you're feeling better."

She hesitated, but then realized she needed to start showing some confidence in him. He'd actually done fine when he'd stayed with Maddie when she went to the CMA's. She promised herself she'd only let Maddie stay one night and then she'd go get her, no matter how she felt. She gave him a hesitant smile. "Okay then." When she saw the grateful smile on his face, she hoped she wasn't making a mistake.

* * *

She ended up letting him keep Maddie for two days. She'd spent the first day curled up in a ball in her bed. The second day she was able to get out of bed, but she felt so weak that she couldn't imagine having to take care of an almost fourteen month old. But on the third day, she felt human again, and she missed her daughter. She told Deacon she would drive over to pick up Maddie, as much because she wanted to see his set up as anything else.

She pulled up along the street in front of his house. She looked up the slope to the stone bungalow. It had been great having Deacon back in the band, but being around him all the time had brought up memories, both good and not so good. She felt like she was at war with herself. It had felt like, for a very long time, that he was all she had, the only family she had. It had been hard to walk away and admit there was nothing more she could do for him. She was happy he'd finally seemed to figure out how to make sober work, but it was bittersweet. She finally got out of her car and headed up the steps.

She knocked on the door and waited. When Deacon opened the door, he didn't look any worse for wear. He hadn't even called her once. He had a towel over his shoulder. She smiled. "Hey."

"Hey." He stepped to the side. "Come on in."

She walked in and looked around. There were a few of Maddie's toys in the living room, but it didn't look like the disaster area she'd half-expected. She turned back to him, clasping her hands together. "How did things go?"

He nodded. "Good. Real good." He looked at her closely. "You sure you're ready to take her home?"

"Yeah. I don't have a fever and I'm really feeling so much more human today." She sighed. "And I missed her." she paused. "Where is she?"

"Taking a nap. She should be awake any time." She had to smile. He sounded like he'd been doing this her whole life. "I got all her stuff together. 'Cept these toys."

She looked around again and then back at him. "Why don't you keep those here?" she said, surprising herself a little. She shrugged. "That way you don't have to drag those over every time."

A grateful smile broke over his face. "Thanks, Rayna. I appreciate that."

They stood there for a second, the silence dragging out. She looked towards the back hallway. "So, um, can I see where you set things up for her?"

He nodded. "Sure." He opened the door slowly and quietly. She looked in and was amazed at what she saw. The room was painted a dusty pink color and he had a crib, very similar to the one she had, against the far wall. There was a beach-themed mobile hanging over the crib. On the opposite wall was a changing table and a small chest of drawers. In one corner was a rocking chair, one she recognized as having been at the cabin. "I do okay?" he asked, sounding hesitant.

She looked at him. "This is great, Deacon. And Audrey helped you with this?" He nodded. "Well, it looks like you have everything."

"Got a high chair too. And I bought a few clothes for her, just in case."

Her heart was in her throat. She had certainly underestimated him, at least from the standpoint of being prepared. She stepped back out into the hall and he closed the door, then followed her into the living room. She turned to look at him. "It all looks great."

He frowned a little. "You seem surprised," he said.

"Well, I have to admit I am a little. Not because of anything negative, but just that you did all this. It's really perfect, Deacon."

He smiled. "So does that mean she can come stay with me more?"

She bit her lip. "Um, I think we can talk about what that might look like." The smile on his face told her that he was happy she'd trusted him and she couldn't help but be glad she had.

* * *

They had a two week tour break in August. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. As exhilarating as being back on the road had been, it had also been exhausting. Touring with a sixteen month old had been more challenging than she had imagined it would be. She loved having Maddie with her, but she also needed a lot of attention and she was at the age when she wouldn't always go quietly to the au pair. But even more than that, the close proximity to Deacon had kept her on guard. He hadn't made any overt moves towards her, but there had been a more intentional attempt at closeness on his part. The smoldering tension onstage, the more frequent touches on her arm, her hand, his hand on the small of her back. Keeping her own boundaries clear had taken a lot of energy, effort that would leave her worn out at the end of each night.

The tour itself had been amazing. Nearly every single venue was sold out, and those that weren't were just shy a couple hundred from being there too. The response to her newer material, from _Until You Kissed Me_, which had been released in between tours, had been expected but affirming nonetheless. But _Big Open Skies_ had felt like a revelation, with all the songs either written by her or chosen by her from the countless demos put in front of her. The album had gone one step past _Until You Kissed Me_, which told the story of a broken heart and taking back herself. _Big Open Skies_ was about what that next step looked like, how she moved forward and became her own woman. It had been both revelatory and resonating and she felt more energized by the music and the creative process than ever.

Watching Deacon get stronger every day about his commitment to sobriety had been bittersweet. She was proud of him, on the one hand, for seeming to have figured it out this time. That it had taken five times in rehab – _five_ – to do it, gave her pause even now, but had been gratifying all the same. But on the other hand, it hurt to realize he couldn't do it until they were no longer together. She couldn't help but feel like she was the reason he'd never been able to make it stick. Coleman had told her a million times, it seemed, that he would never be able to get sober as long as she kept being there for him. That had hurt, because it felt so contrary to what she thought she should be doing. He would tell her that she was enabling Deacon, which, frankly, pissed her off. She had _loved_ him, wanted to _support_ him, and – truthfully – she hadn't wanted to let him die, a fear she kept buried deep inside, never wanting to truly take that out and examine it.

Having him back in her band had been just what she needed though. At least professionally. She'd always believed he made her better and having him back her up had made her feel more confident. That it had come at a price – their relationship – wasn't lost on her, but she was grateful he was there.

She was especially grateful, these days, that she could let him take Maddie now and again. It was never for more than a day or two, but she was developing a confidence in him that he could be responsible for their daughter. Which meant that he would now take the whirling dervish who was Maddie, to give her a couple days to rest and relax.

When she finally climbed off the bus, Maddie on her hip, he was standing beside the cargo hold as it was being unloaded. He looked up when she approached. "You don't have to take her dirty clothes," she said.

He smiled. "I'm not. I just want her toys."

She caught her breath in surprise, but then smiled. "Probably a good idea. Some of her favorites are in there."

He looked at Maddie then, who was uncharacteristically quiet. "You ready to come with me, baby girl?" he asked. She nodded solemnly, although she rested her head against Rayna's shoulder. He reached for her and she went easily to him. Rayna felt a little pang. For all of Maddie's life, she had been the primary person in her daughter's life. Now that she was letting Deacon in more, she realized that would change, and she felt strangely sad about it. _It's what I wanted though. I wanted him to know her and for her to know him. I should be happy. And I am, but it also makes me feel like I'm losing her a little bit._

She put a smile on her face. "Well, I'm pretty tired, so I will leave her to you." She started over to her car, where the roadies were loading her trunk with her various suitcases and bags. Deacon grabbed her arm gently and she turned back.

"Thanks, Ray, for letting me keep her. I'll bring her back in a couple days."

She nodded. "If she's missing anything, let me know." He let her arm go. "Enjoy her." She walked over to her car and got in. She started the car, then looked back over towards the buses. She saw Deacon walking towards his truck, his head leaning in towards Maddie, and she felt her heart turn over.

_Maybe I'm just gaining him back._

* * *

It had felt incredibly good to sleep in her own bed. Although she usually had either a suite or a premium room, usually with nice sheets and soft pillows, sleeping in her own cozy bed was always what she preferred. When she first moved in with Deacon, all they had was a single bed, meant for one person. They had to sleep practically on top of each other, which neither one really minded. It was not a particularly comfortable bed, even without the size issue. The mattress was lumpy, the sheets cheap, and the pillows filled with foam. But Deacon was warm and he smelled good – at least until he started drinking to excess – and his arms were always wrapped around her.

When they had moved into the bungalow, they'd gotten a full size bed, with a better mattress, at least. The sheets were still always crispy and the pillows had to be replaced often, because they would get smashed flat over time. Even though they had more space, they still slept tight against each other, with Deacon's arms around her. She'd bought a nicer bed when she moved out, after Deacon had broken the first bed she'd had when he broke almost everything else in the apartment in a jealous, drunken rage. It was a queen sized bed, with four posters and a deep, enveloping mattress that always seemed to welcome her. The sheets were high quality and soft as a baby's skin, along with thick goose down pillows. It was heavenly and the first night she was home, she'd fallen into it almost as soon as she'd gotten home.

She woke to the sun streaming through the gauzy curtains on her windows. She felt rested for the first time in a while. She got up and walked over to the window, looking out over the small, but lush backyard. The grass was a brilliant green, with dappled shade from the flowering cherries and redbuds and dogwoods. There were flower beds along the back property line. She had a small patio with comfortable chairs and a pergola. She loved spending time out there. She could tell it would be a hot summer day, though, so she doubted she'd sit out there that day.

She dropped the curtain and wandered downstairs to her kitchen, fixing herself some hot tea. She smiled to herself, thinking that hot tea was an odd thing to drink in the middle of August. When she opened the fridge, she saw that the housekeeper had left a bowl of fruit for her and she pulled that out, spooning out a bowlful of beautiful summer fruit. As she sat and ate, her phone rang. She saw that it was Tandy and she flipped it open.

"Hey, Tandy," she said, a smile on her face.

"Are you back?"

"Yes, I am. Got in last night. Slept like a baby."

Tandy laughed on the other end. "As opposed to your actual baby."

Rayna smiled. "Well, my actual baby is at her father's house for a couple days."

Tandy was quiet for a moment. "You sure that's a good idea?" she asked finally.

Rayna fumed. "Yes, actually it is a good idea, Tandy. He's been very responsible with her and I feel completely comfortable when she's there." That wasn't one hundred percent true, but she would never share any lingering worries with her sister. Tandy had never liked Deacon. Well, actually she hadn't hated him at the very beginning, but it hadn't taken her long to change her mind. And then when Deacon started drinking so much, that kind of sealed the deal. Plus she had been disappointed when Rayna had decided to tell Deacon she was pregnant.

"Well, if you're sure…."

Rayna frowned. "I _am_ sure. So, if your only reason for calling was to, once again, chastise me for my decisions, I have better things to do with my time off."

"No, no, look, babe. I'm sorry. I was really hoping maybe we could get together for lunch or dinner or something. I've missed my sister." She sounded remorseful.

Rayna sighed. She'd missed Tandy too. "What about dinner tonight?"

"That sounds perfect. Where do you want to go?"

Rayna thought for a minute. "How about Valentino's?" It had always been her favorite place to go when she was younger. She loved the fanciness of it yet how warm and inviting it was. It always made her feel happy.

"Sounds good. Seven thirty okay?"

"Sure. See you there." She disconnected the phone and then got up, leaving her bowl and mug in the sink, then heading back upstairs to take a shower.

* * *

She still felt a little like she couldn't breathe when she turned onto Harding Pike, headed for Belle Meade. She knew her father would be at work and it would be a good time to go to the house. She'd been thinking about this for the last several weeks and thought that, with Maddie not home, it would be a good time for this. When she reached her father's house, she parked her car in front of the porch. She sat in the car, looking up at the massive white mansion, a place that, to that day, made her feel sick to her stomach.

She got out of her car and walked up the steps to the front door. She unlocked it and walked inside, shutting the door behind her. She stood right at the entrance to the grand foyer. The house was completely quiet. The afternoon light coming through the window and across the enormous Oriental rug was hot. She could see dust motes rising up in the air. She breathed in deeply, thinking about the night she'd left, the night she and her father had had the worst fight they'd ever had. He'd told her that if she wanted to keep performing, she couldn't live there anymore. And so she'd packed her bags and left. She was sure her father thought she'd come back home, but she never did.

She walked across the foyer to the staircase. She slowly made her way upstairs, standing in the front hallway. There were bedrooms in both directions. She headed down towards the bedroom her parents had shared, so long ago she almost couldn't remember it. She remembered her mom, but couldn't remember any tenderness between her parents. She took a deep breath as she walked into the bedroom. It seemed smaller than she remembered, but maybe it was just because she was older. It had two oversized dressing rooms – one that was her father's and one that had belonged to her mom. After Virginia died, her father had shut the door and, to her knowledge, never opened it again.

She went to that dressing room, opening the door slowly. The room was dark, as it usually was, the drapes at the window closed. She walked over and pulled the drapes open, brightening up the room. it still looked the same. Nothing had changed. She stood in front of the window seat for a moment, then leaned over and pushed open the seat. Inside were boxes and suitcases full of her memories. Backstage access badges from concerts. Stickers and merchandise with the names of tours she'd been on and, more recently, her own tours. Old notebooks, both lyric notebooks and journals. Publicity photos and magazine and newspaper articles, as well as copies of various country countdowns.

She didn't think her father knew she'd brought them here. After she'd left Deacon, she had brought everything over a period of time. But what she was looking for was the box of pictures. She reached for it and pulled it out, then sat cross-legged on the floor and took the box top off, laying it to the side, and then sat back. She ran her tongue over her lips and then leaned forward, picking up some of the pictures laying on top. She'd had an idea the last few weeks of the tour and hadn't been able to shake it. It had been one night when she'd stayed too long at the after party and she was so wired she couldn't get to sleep. She had tossed and turned all night, thinking about it, and then it wouldn't leave her.

She'd jotted down some thoughts, all centered around Deacon and Maddie. She thought about how her daughter depended completely on her, how she felt the burden to not disappoint her or let her down. And that had led her to thinking about Deacon, both in terms of how he interacted with Maddie and her own history with him.

She propped herself with her elbows on her knees, sifting through the pictures, putting some aside. There was of her and Deacon at the Exit/In, on stage. There were pictures of the two of them backstage, some she'd had no idea had been taken until she saw them later. She had pictures of the two of them, taken as they wrote songs or rehearsed, that were from liner notes on her records. And then there were the personal pictures. Deacon at the cabin, fishing off the dock. Or in a canoe on the lake. Pictures she took of him the first two times she brought him home from rehab. A picture someone in her band took of the two of them leaning against the bus, kissing. A picture of the two of them in Mexico, one they'd had another tourist take. She was dressed in a white sundress and strappy sandals. He had on dark jeans and a white shirt, the sleeves rolled up and the top two buttons unbuttoned. She looked at that one for a few minutes. They were both tipsy, although they didn't really look it. They'd played one of their little games, one that had ended in 'Postcard from Mexico'. She had one of him asleep in bed. Or maybe he was passed out. She couldn't remember anymore.

She went back to the ones on pickup day at rehab. When she was sure he had figured it out and that he would be good. Back when she was hopeful. She could feel tears in her eyes and she blinked her eyes quickly, trying to ward off the tears. She was so much more innocent then, so much more trusting. She believed in him then, that he wanted to get better. But that was never really not the case. He always wanted to get better, promised he was good, begged her to have faith in him. But she'd slowly but surely lost her faith in him, every time he fell back into the cycle. She stopped believing things would ever change, beat herself up for staying with him and living a life of pain and hurt and anger.

She loved him with her whole heart. Still did, really. But back then it hadn't been enough. She'd still been his safe place, she still took him in and loved him, because what else was she supposed to do, really? She'd never believed she could fail him. She was afraid the booze would kill him. She'd been there for him for so long and she supposed she still was. They had a daughter together and she felt a responsibility to her to keep Deacon safe. Still. To be that place for him to land, to take him in. She couldn't let him fall, _wouldn't_ let him fall. Not this time.

She set the pictures aside she wanted to take with her, then closed the box back up. She put the box back in the window seat and closed it. She slid the photos into her purse and then headed back out of the house, to her car and drove home.

* * *

Rayna was about to get on the bus when she saw Deacon pull into the parking lot. She turned back and waited for him to get out and head towards her. She smiled and lifted her hand in a wave. He smiled back and, after dropping off his gear, walked over to where she stood. "Hey," he said.

"Hey. Did you have a good break?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Went up to the cabin for a bit. Did some fishing. Slept a lot."

She felt an ache in her heart when he mentioned the cabin. She hadn't been there in a long time. In fact, the last time she'd been there was when he bailed on rehab – his fourth – and she found him drinking. It had broken her heart to see him that way and she left without him knowing she'd even been there. The cabin had been her dream, her favorite place on the planet. He'd bought it for her and it had usually been a place of solace for them. She gave him a little smile. "It's a good place for sleeping, that's for sure."

"You should come sometime. Bring Maddie."

She shook her head. She didn't think that was a good idea at all, but she hedged a little in her response. "I don't know. Maybe." She cleared her throat. "Listen, I wrote something during the break." She reached into her purse and pulled out the pages from her lyric notebook. "I don't have any music yet, but you were always so much better at that than me." She held the pages out. "Would you take a look? Maybe see what feels right on the music?"

He looked surprised, but took the pages from her. "Sure, Ray. I'd be glad to. You got any kinda idea how you want it to sound?"

She shrugged. "I'm not sure. I'd be interested in what you think though."

"Okay. I'll let you know."

She breathed in and smiled a little sadly. "Thanks." She gestured back towards the bus. "I guess I need to get on the bus. Maddie's in there with the au pair."

He nodded. "Okay. I guess I'll see you in Chicago."

"Yep. See you there." She slid her hands in her back pockets and then turned to walk back to her bus. As she walked, her heart was in her throat. It was intensely personal song and she'd laid herself out there. Now she'd given it to him too and she just had to hope he didn't misunderstand.

When they got to Chicago, she stayed on the bus until she saw him go into the hotel. She had watched him look around and even look over towards her bus, but finally he'd headed inside. She waited a few more minutes, until Bucky had come back with the key to her room. When she went into the lobby, she didn't see him anywhere. She just hadn't been ready to talk to him about the song she'd given him, which she now kind of wished she hadn't.

* * *

She didn't see him again until sound check. She arrived just in time to get up on stage. She looked around at all her band members, then let her gaze light on him. "Stomping Ground?" she asked.

He nodded. "Sounds good." He counted them in and then they launched into the song from her last album. It was one of the ones she'd picked up from the demos she'd listened to. It was written by a young up-and-coming songwriter who she felt sure was going to be one of the premier Nashville songwriters in the near future. It was something the audiences got up and moved to, which always got her adrenaline going. It had not even been released yet as a single, but it was clearly popular, enough so she had added it to the main set.

When they'd finished, she practically ran across the stage, jogging quickly down the steps. "Rayna!" she heard him call out. She tried to act like she hadn't heard, but she should have known he'd chase her down. It still startled her when he put his hand on her shoulder. She stopped then and turned to face him. "You wanna talk about your song?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Not right now," she said. "Maybe later?"

He nodded, looking slightly confused. "Okay. But it was good. Great actually. I came up with some ideas about the music."

She gave him a tight smile. "Great. I'm looking forward to listening to what you have." She hesitated, then said, "Thanks for looking at it, Deacon. I need to check on wardrobe and then get back to Maddie. She was a little fussy."

He frowned. "She ain't sick or nothing, is she?"

She shook her head. "No. Just tired and cranky from the bus ride, I think." She held her hand up in a wave. "Look, I gotta run. See you in a bit." She hurried off towards the dressing room without waiting for a response. She knew he'd want to know what the song was about – was it Maddie or him, although maybe he wouldn't ask if it was about him – and she had to think of the answer she wanted to give him. She felt a little like she given him a piece of her heart, a private piece, and she wasn't exactly sure what to do about that.

She got on the elevator to head back to her room. She'd stayed a little longer than she'd meant to, picking through the stage outfits and making one change. She reached out and pressed the penthouse floor button. The doors started to close but were stopped by someone putting their hand in. The doors opened all the way and Deacon walked in, looking surprised to see her.


	8. Chapter 8

"Hey," he said. "Thought you'd be upstairs by now." He pressed his floor. Seven. Room 714. She remembered, because he always told her where he was, in case she needed help with Maddie.

She shrugged a little. "I should have been. I stayed too long looking at stage outfits. Now I won't get to spend as much time with Maddie before I have to go."

He leaned back against the back wall of the elevator. "So, I didn't really get to talk to you about your song."

She waved him off. "We can do that another time. Doesn't have to be now." She felt a little like she had a tight wrap around her chest. He was too close and she could hardly breathe.

He looked at her a little curiously. "You write it about Maddie?"

She felt a little sense of guarded relief, hoping he did think it was about Maddie. "Yeah. I guess. I mean, I guess all parents want to take care of their kids, be there for them through the disappointments and the heartaches."

He nodded, an odd look in his eyes. "Yeah, I guess so." The ding signaled they were at his floor. He started for the door when it opened, then paused and touched her arm. "See you on stage then."

She smiled a little. "Yeah," she said, then watched him turn and walk off the elevator. She felt like she couldn't breathe. Being in that small space, just the two of them, she could feel a little perspiration on the back of her neck and wondered if she'd been flushed. She could practically feel the heat rolling off of him and her knees felt weak. She leaned back against the corner of the elevator. She could feel her heart beating. She swallowed hard, thinking maybe they were flying too close to each other. She wondered if asking him back had been the right thing to do.

* * *

There hadn't been an after party that night, which she was glad about. While she did love talking to people, she was tired. Maddie had been fussy all day and wouldn't go to the au pair, so she'd had to hold her and then feed her before heading back to the arena. The show was amazing, the crowd was amazing, and she'd felt reenergized by that when she was on stage. She and Deacon were clicking. And then he'd gone off the set list and turned everything upside down.

_They had done "Postcard from Mexico" that night, a song they hadn't done in a while and the first time they'd done it on this tour. It surprised her when Deacon started the guitar line. It was an overtly sexy song and a crowd pleaser. They'd written it during a quick jaunt to Mexico when she'd started getting on big name tours. It had been hot in Mexico and they had been hot as well – the tequila smooth going down, the sex raw and dirty, and it had all just flowed into that song. They'd ended it with probably the most mind-blowing sex they'd ever had, when Deacon had done things to her she'd never even heard of before and in the end, they were both dripping with sweat. _

_Back when they were together, she would practically drape herself over him, her arm casually around his neck, her hip leaned toward him, their faces close as she sang into her microphone. She had reminded herself she couldn't do all of that now, but at one point she had turned her back to him and let herself rub against his shoulder and hip in a seductive way. The crowd had gone crazy, cheering and catcalls echoing around the arena. She stumbled over a word and Deacon had looked at her with concern. But she recovered and backed away from him, looking towards him, but not at him. Her heart was racing and she knew she was on shaky ground._

* * *

_When they'd done the last encore, she walked off the stage, Deacon right behind her. When he put his hand on the small of her back, she felt like she was on fire. He leaned in close to her ear, so she could hear over the crowd noise that was still following them. "You killed it, Ray," he said._

_She swung her head towards him and smiled. "Thanks," she said. She wanted to get away, go back to her room, lay in her bed and calm down her rattled emotions. But he was still right there as they walked into the bowels of the arena, talking into her ear about the show, but she wasn't listening. They were getting closer to her dressing room and she needed him to leave her alone. She stopped and turned towards him. "I wish we hadn't done that song," she murmured, a lump in her throat. "We can't do it again."_

_He looked confused. "I don't understand. The crowd loved it."_

_She struggled to keep her composure. "I know." She ran her tongue over her lips. "But it's too much. We just can't do those songs, Deacon." She took two steps backward. "You __know__ we can't do those songs." Then she turned and practically ran to her dressing room, slamming the door behind her. She leaned against the door and put her hand over her mouth to hold back the sobs, as the tears rolled down her face._

When the elevator doors opened onto her floor, she slowly walked out, pulling her room key out of her back pocket. She walked down the hall towards her room. When she got to the door, she held the key out, and then hesitated. It was probably close to midnight. Maddie would be asleep. She bit down on her lip. Her emotions were swirling inside her, the aftermath of the song still haunting her. Deacon had seemed so nonchalant about it and she frowned a little. He probably really wasn't, but he'd always been able to sense her moods, and had always known when to give her some time and space to process things and then let them dissipate.

She collapsed back against the wall next to her hotel door and breathed in deeply. She put her free hand flat against her stomach. _A year and a half ago, there was a baby here. Maddie. Our beautiful song made real in her._ She suddenly had a lump in her throat and she felt pressure against the back of her eyes. She breathed in deeply. She was proud of him. He had promised this time would be different, that now that there was Maddie, he would be able to stay sober. And he had. So far. But she'd also seen a determination in him that she hadn't seen any of those other times that he'd tried. And failed.

She put her room key back in her pocket and walked back towards the elevator. She pressed the down button and waited, tapping her foot. The elevator door opened. She couldn't make her feet move. _What the hell am I doing? Why am I doing this?_ She watched as the doors closed_. Just do this. Don't be afraid of it._ She pressed the button again and the door immediately opened. She hesitated a moment, then stepped inside. She hesitated again at the floor buttons and reached out, touching seven. She drew her hand back as if she'd been bitten by a snake, clutching her hands to her chest. Then she reached out again and pressed lobby.

She moved to the back of the elevator, her arms crossed over her waist. She looked up and watched the floor numbers light up, in reverse order. When it got to seven, the doors opened with a ding that sounded super loud to her ears. She bit her lip, breathed in, and watched as the doors started to close. At the last second, she stuck her arm out and the doors jerked to a stop, then slid back open. She took another deep breath, then got out.

Deacon's room was down the right hallway. She slowly walked until she was facing his door. Her heart was beating hard in her chest and she felt a low roar in her ears. She reached her hand out, then pulled it back. Then she reached out again and knocked, taking a step back. She wondered why she was standing there and started to turn away, when the door opened.

He was still in his jeans and shirt from the show, not surprisingly. They both were always so wired from a show, that it was usually well past midnight when they could finally go to sleep. She was still the same way and she was sure that was so for him as well. He looked surprised to see her there. "Ray? Something wrong with Maddie?" She shook her head, mute. "What's going on?"

She looked away, then back at him. "I'm sorry," she whispered, waving her hand. "I don't know what I was thinking."

He frowned. "You wanna come in?"

She knew she should say no. She still wasn't really sure why she was here. Except that doing that song had opened a box, one she didn't want to open, and she thought she needed to tell him that. But not standing in the hallway, so she stepped forward. He turned to the side and let her in. After she walked past him, he turned to close the door. She was facing him when he turned back. She swallowed, but couldn't make words come out of her mouth.

"Rayna, what's going on?"

She cleared her throat. "We can't play that song – or any song like that – on this tour," she whispered. "You knew the rules."

He raised his eyebrows. "Are you kidding me? You came down here, in the middle of the night, to tell me something you already done told me?" His voice was raised and she tightened her hands into fists.

She breathed in. "No. Actually it's not," she said. "I actually wanted to tell you I was proud of you, for staying sober, for keeping your word."

He huffed, putting his hands on his hips. "Seriously? You act like you didn't think I could do it. I know you just been waiting for me to fall off the wagon again." He scowled darkly. "I see it in your eyes, all the time. Just waiting. Just like before. You _never_ made me feel like I could live up to your expectations anyway, Rayna. It's like you was just watching, all the time, wondering how long it would take."

She fumed, stomping her foot and frowning. "That's not _true_!" she cried.

He pushed past her, then turned and threw his arms out. "Course it's true. I could always feel it, you watching me, hovering, waiting. You know how hard it is to have all those expectations on your shoulders, just knowing that no matter what, I'm gonna disappoint you."

"I never thought that," she cried. "I just wanted to be there. To support you. Help you. It was all I ever wanted, for you to come home to me and just stay sober."

"You don't ever think it's just too much to live up to, Ray? I mean, you set the bar high. I couldn't do nothing, without you being scared I was gonna drink." She felt tears in her eyes. This wasn't going well at all. _I knew I shouldn't have come._ "Why did you _really_ come here, Rayna?"

She made a frustrated noise. "I told you. To tell you I was proud of you. That I was glad you could be in Maddie's life."

He raised an eyebrow. "That all?"

"Of course. What else would it be?" Almost before she knew it, he had crossed the distance between them and gently pushed her back against the wall, pressing his mouth against hers, putting his hands on her waist, pulling her towards up against him. She lifted her hands and pressed them against his arms, as he continued to kiss her, and she could feel herself responding.

It would have been easy to let it continue to its inevitable conclusion. He would get her off-balance, kissing her the way he knew drove her wild and made her body tingle. She felt herself relax slightly, but then he fisted her blouse and started to tug, and she pulled her mouth from his and pressed her hands more firmly against his chest. She looked up at him, breathing heavily. She could see the desire for her in his eyes and that just made her push again, alarm bells going off in her head. Coleman had told her she was keeping him from being successful at this, giving him a safe place to fall. It was what her song was about.

He looked at her and drew his breath in slowly. "You wrote that song for _me_, didn't you?" he said softly and she closed her eyes.

She shook her head. "It's for Maddie," she whispered, hearing her voice shake.

He looked long and hard at her, then shook his head. She was finding it hard to catch her breath. He walked over to his messenger bag, fishing around inside until he pulled out several sheets of paper. He looked over them, then walked back towards her. He held them out. "Here's your song. Music and everything." She felt like she wanted to cry. After a moment, she reached for the pages, but he held tight. "You may say you're proud of me, Rayna," he said, his voice low and quiet. "But the truth is, you still walked away. And you're still walking away." He worked his lip. "If you really were proud of me, I wouldn't be down here sleeping by myself."

He let go of the pages then. She could feel a tear slide down her cheek and she reached up to swipe it away. "Thanks, Deacon," she said. "For the song." Then she turned and walked to the door, letting herself out.

As she stood at the elevator, waiting for the doors to open, she really had no idea why she'd even been there.

* * *

She was up near the front of the bus, heading back to Nashville. It was the last stop on the tour, a sold out show at the Gaylord Entertainment Center. Nearly twenty thousand fans. It always gave her a thrill to play in her home city and the home of country music. She couldn't help but remember the last time she'd performed there – seven months pregnant with Maddie. When she'd walked off the stage that night, she'd gone home and crawled into bed, not waking up until nearly noon the next day. The last few weeks of that tour had been grueling. Bucky had had to move a number of dates because of her pregnancy and she'd often done several nights back-to-back. _Never again. I'll cancel the tour first._

This time though she was enjoying her time out on the road. Maddie, it seemed, was going to be the perfect tour baby. She was usually happy, napping when it was time to nap, and usually smiling and laughing. Maddie had been mostly easy, all the way back to when she was born. Rayna smiled to herself, thinking about her daughter, currently sleeping in her artist's suite. Which then made her think about Deacon, and her smile faded.

The night she'd gone to his room, the night he'd kissed her, was never far from her mind. She kept it there to remind herself that the two of them had been like gasoline and matches together. That she loved him still was not the issue, nor the fact that he felt the same. The relationship that had started sweet, with Deacon being the person she knew instinctively she could count on, had turned into the most challenging and turbulent time of her life. She closed her eyes as she thought about the beginning, when everything had seemed perfect. But that wasn't completely true. They'd argued a lot in the beginning. Or at least _she_ had argued and he'd argued back. It was how she'd known he was the man who'd walk beside her, although, before it was all over, she was the one walking beside him, scared out of her mind that he'd wind up dead.

The music they'd written together was amazing. He was the only one who knew her – really knew her – both onstage and off. It felt like their blood ran in each other. Still did. But by the end, it was really the only thing that was holding them together.

It had really started when he turned twenty-one. He'd been able to get alcohol before then, but not enough so that she could see what would happen. She knew, by then, about the life he'd led in Mississippi before he came to Nashville – his alcoholic, violent father and the turmoil of his life in Natchez. But she'd still been too naïve to imagine what that could mean for him, for them. Things got out of control when he met Vince Jameson and that's when the cycle of rehab, sobriety, slow descent back into drinking too much, and then rehab again began. Every cycle got worse. The length of time he could stay sober got shorter, the crash at the bottom hit harder and faster every time. It always took her breath away each time it happened

At first she'd been scared for him. Then later, she was scared for herself. Not that he would hurt her – he never had – but that she was in a cycle too, one that she'd never get out of. The weight of it had crushed her, filled her with despair and anger and her own desperation. She wanted to save him, thought she could save him. Every time he failed she felt like she had as well. She went to Al-Anon for a while, hoping to learn coping strategies and ways she could help him. She tried to control the environment, control _him_, to no avail. And then she covered for him, although it was not really a secret. It was the start of the tight control she took over her private life, _their_ private life. _If I didn't acknowledge it, it wasn't real._ But that was never true.

She suddenly realized she was crying. Not big, heaving sobs, but a trail of tears streaking down her face. It had been so hard to watch what it did to him. She spent so many years holding him up, wanting to believe his promises. Finally she'd had to acknowledge that she couldn't help him. Coleman told her she should let him go, which had broken her heart.

But now he was sober. And he seemed to be making it work. She wanted to trust it, but she couldn't. Maybe it was all those years of promises that were always broken, all the disappointments, all the pain. Whatever it was, she couldn't let herself fall back into things with him. So she kept him at arms' length, put walls up and boundaries. It had been a struggle many times, still was. And then she had gone to his room, knowing yet not knowing why she'd done it. She'd almost let herself fall into the trap again.

After that night, in his hotel room, things changed between them. They were still good together on stage. He still visited Maddie regularly and they still talked about their daughter together. He was always polite, never froze her out, but he was clearly staying in his lane. That was also when he started picking up women at after parties. Not every night. Not even _most_ nights. But it was always someone very pretty – a blonde or a brunette – and of an appropriate age. She sighed. He'd waited for her long enough and, when it was clear she wasn't changing her mind, he obviously decided not to wait. It had made her feel inexplicably sad and empty.

So she was glad to be getting home. She could sleep in her own bed. She and Maddie would go back to their regular schedule. Deacon would take Maddie to his house a couple nights every week – the schedule they'd worked out – and otherwise their paths wouldn't cross again until the next tour. She had decided not to go into the studio for now, giving herself an opportunity to take a real break for the first time since before Maddie was born.

Taking the down time meant she and Deacon wouldn't spend as much time together either. And she thought maybe that was a good thing.

* * *

She was completely exhausted but couldn't fall asleep. When she and Maddie had gotten home, the little girl was already cranky. She definitely showed her stubbornness – she threw her spoon on the floor so many times that Rayna finally just threw it in the sink, telling Maddie she could eat with her hands. Maddie cried pitifully, which made Rayna feel terrible. She gave Maddie some Cheerio's instead of continuing to fight with her. When it was time for Maddie to go to bed, she bowed up, making it difficult for Rayna to get her pajamas on, and then Maddie fought her all the way. She screamed her frustration and Rayna found herself in tears.

She finally got Maddie into her pajamas and then she walked the house with the sobbing little girl tucked under her chin, rubbing her hand over Maddie's back, trying to soothe her. She pulled an old song out of her hat to try to calm her daughter, the beautiful ballad she and Deacon had written so many years ago, 'No One Will Ever Love You'. _No one will ever love you, Maddie, my sweet girl. Like I do._ Maddie finally settled down, resting heavily against Rayna's shoulder. When Rayna put her in her crib, Maddie tried to fight sleep, but she was just too tired, and she finally closed her eyes and Rayna could see her whole body relax. She raised her eyes to the ceiling and said a prayer of thanks, then pulled up the blanket over Maddie, and left her room.

She went to her room and slid into a t-shirt and boy shorts. She washed her face and applied moisturizer, a ritual she'd followed since she was a teenager. Then she walked over and climbed up on her bed, leaning back against the pillows. She reached over for the body lotion she always kept on the bedside table and then started applying it to her arms and legs, another one of her rituals. In fact, it had started back when she was living with Deacon. She'd gotten too much sun and her skin felt dry, so she had asked Tandy what she used and had gone out and bought it. It had a light smell of roses and Deacon had been wild about it. And her silky soft skin.

As she rubbed lotion on her legs, she thought about all the things she'd done because of Deacon. The lotion. Sitting in the nosebleed seats. The tiny little white bikini she wore for him. Indoors, because he'd never let her outside with it on. That bikini had always led to sex that was a little more adventurous, things they didn't always do. She learned to drink whiskey, because he did. She'd graduated to much better whiskey by the time she left him, but it had always made her feel sultry when she had a glass of good whiskey.

She put the lotion back on the table and lifted up the sheet, sliding under it. She laid on her back for a moment, thinking about the tour, thinking about Maddie and Deacon, thinking – yet again – that a sober Deacon was a lot to resist. She rolled over onto her side, trying to put that out of her head. She reached up and turned out the light, then got comfortable, waiting for sleep to overtake her. However, she was still wide awake until after midnight.

* * *

_She walked to the door, feeling her heart pounding. She looked out onto the dark street, hoping she'd see Deacon. His truck was parked on the street, a note still lying on the table that said he'd gone out. Her head hurt and she could feel herself shaking. He'd been gone all day and she finally picked up her purse and keys and ran to her car._

_With her heart in her throat, she began searching all the bars, alternately feeling terrified that she couldn't find him and somehow hopeful that he hadn't spent all day drinking. Then she walked into a bar she wasn't familiar with and everything seemed to turn gauzy. She found him, slumped over a table in the back of the room. She wrinkled her nose at the smell of cheap alcohol, cigarettes, and the faint smell of sick in the air. She slowly approached him, not knowing why she didn't just race over to him. When she got to where he was, she put her hands on his shoulders._

"_Deacon," she said as she shook him gently. "Deacon!" she said again. He didn't move. He didn't open his eyes. She tried again. And then again, as the terror rose up like bile in her throat. She put the back of her hand against his cheek, the one that wasn't pressed against the table. His skin felt cool to the touch, cool and dry. Hysteria started to fill her. Fear and a sense of doom._

_She had started to cry, without realizing it. Not out loud sobbing, just quiet tears streaming down her face. She made herself lean over him, trying to listen for his breathing, but it was too loud in the bar. The music started to hurt her ears, feeling like it was getting louder and louder. She put her hand by his nose and wasn't sure she felt any breath._

_She panicked and starting screaming for help. She was standing in the middle of the bar, her whole body shaking, her heart pounding so hard she thought her chest would explode. Everything felt like it was alternately running in slow motion and then speeding up, as she watched paramedics rush into the bar and start checking him out and then carrying him out of the bar. And her feet felt welded to the floor as she watched. He's dead. Deacon's dead. I'll never see him again, never hold him again, never feel his arms around me._

_She was vaguely conscious of everyone in the bar staring at her and then realized she wasn't thinking those things, she was screaming them out loud. She heard the rescue sirens outside. "I need to be with him!" she screamed, but she still couldn't move. Slowly she sank down on her knees, crying tears of despair and loss and the deepest pain she'd ever felt in her life._

Suddenly her eyes were wide open and she sat up in her bed, panting, her body shaking, her heart pounding. It was dark all around her and as she came out of her fog, she realized she was in her own bed, in her own house. She tried to calm her breathing and finally things seemed to come back into focus. It had been a dream. But it had also been real. It had scared her more than anything had ever scared her in her life. It had also been the catalyst for her to eventually leave the life she'd lived with Deacon.

She pushed herself back against the pillows and wrapped her arms around her waist. Her heart ached just remembering that night. When she had gotten to the hospital, they'd told her it was touch and go. When they finally took her back to the area where he was, in the ER, she was shaking so badly her legs nearly gave out underneath her. She was conscious of the eyes on her – patients, family members, nurses, other doctors – and she wanted to lash out at all of them, for watching her fear and her grief. She focused hard on the doctor as he explained to her that Deacon's blood alcohol level was more than two times the legal limit.

She remembered the breathing mask over his face, the IV lines in his arm. He still looked pale and, when she touched his hand, he was a little warmer to the touch. But she knew then that he was alive, would probably be okay. She had felt such a mix of emotions. Relief, fear, anger, disappointment. But what she really felt, as she finally went to the waiting room and laid on a couch, her eyes wide open, was a feeling of complete and utter exhaustion. Not just from lack of sleep, but from the situation she'd found herself in. This wasn't the young man she'd met, all those years ago. The young man who'd challenged her when she was afraid, who supported her dreams and even set aside his own for her.

She reached up to her face and felt the dampness of her tears. _No, he was definitely not the man I met when I was sixteen. But he was the man I knew in my twenties, up until the night I walked out in the rain and left. Reluctantly, but it was the only thing I could do._ She sighed. _And now the right thing to do is not to go back. The way things are is the way they need to stay._

* * *

She brushed her hair and then pulled it up into a ponytail. She slid on her boots and headed down the hallway to her den. She smiled when she entered the room, seeing Maddie sitting on the au pair's lap. Ashley was reading a book, as Maddie leaned back against her shoulder, one finger in her mouth. When Maddie saw her mother, she pushed her way out of Ashley's lap and ran over to Rayna. "Mama!" she squealed. Rayna knelt down and grabbed her daughter as she ran into her arms.

"Hey, sweet girl," she whispered in Maddie's ear as she held the little girl close. "You gonna be good for mama tonight?"

Maddie wriggled out of her arms and nodded solemnly. "Yes." Maddie had just recently started to talk and her vocabulary was still limited but Rayna appreciated that using words instead of babbling helped tremendously in understanding what her daughter wanted and needed.

Rayna reached for Maddie's little hand, rubbing in gently. "You'll be asleep when mama gets home, but I'll stop in and check on you, okay? Maddie nodded, her index finger in her mouth. She almost told Maddie that Deacon was coming to get her the next day, but she knew that would be just like giving her daughter sugar, and she'd be bouncing off the walls. She stood up then and looked over at Ashley. "It'll be late. Since this is the last show of the tour, the after party may go on longer than usual."

Ashley smiled and shrugged. "No problem, Ms. Jaymes." Rayna liked Ashley. Maddie adored the young woman and the feeling seemed to be mutual. Ashley was taking a year off from college and Rayna had snatched her up. The timing had been perfect, since Ashley's predecessor was leaving Nashville.

Rayna pulled on a jacket and picked up her purse, ready for the car to come pick her up.

* * *

She and Bucky walked down the hallway towards the stage for sound check. "I'll bet you're ready for a break," he said.

She smiled. "Yes, I am. The tour has been amazing, but doing it with a baby has been tiring, more than I had expected." She hurried up the steps and the first person she made eye contact was Deacon. He was playing a few riffs and when he saw her, he just nodded. She felt a little punch in the gut, even though she didn't want to. She breathed in and tried to smile, but then just went over and let one of the crew put in her ear buds. The unsettled feeling she'd had after her dream the night before was still there. So it confused her a little to still have feelings of hurt that he seemed to be standoffish with her.

* * *

She did an extra encore that night. It was Nashville, after all, but the energy in the arena had been crazy. She was flying high as she raised her hands up over her head and cried out, "Thank you, Nashville!" as she finished. The crowd was roaring their approval and she stood for just a second, taking it in. This tour had been her best yet and almost every single date had been a sellout. She was almost sorry she wasn't doing an album afterwards, but two in two years had been a lot and she needed some downtime.

As she came off the stage, she was surprised to feel a hand on her shoulder. "That was pretty damn amazing," came Deacon's voice in her ear. She smiled back at him, then continued towards the steps. He let his hand slide from her shoulder to the small of her back, as he followed her.

When they got to the bottom of the steps, she stopped and looked at him. In her stiletto heels, she was almost at eye level with him. It felt good not to feel like she was looking up at him. She put her hand on his arm. "Thanks, Deacon. And thank you for agreeing to come back." She paused for a second. "I hope you'll be back for the next one."

A smile crossed his face. "Sure, Ray. Anything for you."

"So, uh, are you coming to the after party?" she asked. She'd felt a little quiver when he said he'd do anything for her.

He shook his head. "I got other plans." He put his hand on her elbow. "I got something to show you," he said, nodding towards the hallway. She walked with him down the hallway. He reached into his pocket and pulled something out and held it out to her. She lifted her hand, palm open, and he dropped a gold coin there. She looked at it, then looked back at him. "My two year chip," he said.

It felt heavy in her hand and she was reminded, yet again, that he'd done this without her. She smiled. "I'm proud of you, Deacon," she said, handing him back the chip.

"I done it for you, Ray," he said. "And Maddie."

She shook her head. "You can't do it for me, Deacon. Or even Maddie. You have to do it for yourself. The fact that Maddie benefits is great, but not the reason." She smiled encouragingly. "Every day you do this – commit to this – gives you that many more days to make things count.

He nodded and she turned to walk away. She was sure she had seen a touch of regret in his eyes, regret that it had taken him this long to turn his life around. And she couldn't help but acknowledge the fact that this was the longest he'd ever stayed sober, confirming for her that staying away had been the right thing to do. _I should be happy for him. So why does it make me feel so very sad?_

* * *

Rayna got out of the car and then opened the back door, reaching for Maddie. She settled her daughter on her hip, grabbing the diaper bag, then closed the car doors. She knew her father was out of town, but she still wanted to get this done and leave. She jogged up the steps to her father's house and let herself in.

She stood in the foyer, thinking again how formal this place was. No wonder her mother had been unhappy here. It didn't fit what she remembered of Virginia Wyatt. It was quiet. Maddie reached out, trying to grab at one of the sunbeams that was streaming in through the window over the entrance. She smiled at her daughter. "That's sunshine, sweetie, nothing you can hold." She didn't have a lot of time, so she headed for the stairs and hurried up them as fast as she could.

When she got to her mother's dressing room, she opened the door and turned on the light. She pushed the door closed so that Maddie wouldn't wander out. She unzipped the diaper bag and pulled out a plush stuffed kitten Tandy had given to her. Maddie grabbed it happily and plopped down on the floor next to her mother. Rayna put her hand on the back of Maddie's head and smiled down at her. Maddie looked up and smiled back. "Mama!" she cried.

She turned back to the diaper bag and pulled out the envelope with the pictures she'd taken from here and opened the window seat. She got up on her knees and leaned over and slid the pictures back into the box she'd taken them from. Then she sat back on her heels and pulled the folded sheets of paper. She unfolded them. It was her lyrics to the song she'd written and Deacon's music, the song he'd asked if she'd written about him.

She'd played the song that morning, on her piano. Writing the music wasn't her strong suit, but she knew how to read it. Deacon had written a lovely melody, one that set the mood for the song beautifully. It was one that felt close to her heart already, even though she hadn't recorded it or put it on an album. She whispered the last half of the chorus to herself. _All this time we have together, is our shelter from the rain, I will share the weight you carry, let me be your sanctuary._ She felt tears in her eyes. She had intended to put it in one of her boxes, but she put it back in the diaper bag instead.

She lowered the seat and then stood up, placing the diaper bag on the seat. "Let's go, Maddie," she said, leaning over to pick up her daughter. When she had Maddie settled, she put the diaper bag over her shoulder. Then she opened the door, turned out the light, closed the door behind her, and headed back out the way she came.

* * *

The doorbell rang promptly at eleven. Rayna had been sitting on the floor with Maddie, as the little girl played with some of her toys. She got up quickly. "Stay there, Maddie," she said.

"K!" Maddie cried out. It had been a struggle to get Maddie dressed. She had not wanted to leave her toys and had fought Rayna on it. When Maddie was finally dressed, she then cried bitterly, and Rayna had to spend time consoling her. But now it was as though it had never happened. Maddie looked adorable in her jeans and the Christmas sweatshirt she had on.

She hurried to the door and opened it. The cold air swirled in and she beckoned Deacon to hurry up and come in. "Merry Christmas!" he said as he walked in. He had an armful of presents.

"Merry Christmas to you too." She smiled. "It looks like you're spoiling Maddie again."

He grinned. "Maybe a little. I got more at my house."

She raised her eyebrows. "More?"

He shrugged. "The bigger stuff."

She started for the den. "She's in here and I'm sure she'll be happy to see you. And the gifts."

* * *

Maddie was reluctantly down for a nap, but once her head hit her pillow, she was sound asleep. Rayna was cleaning up the kitchen after lunch and Deacon was sitting at the kitchen table. "You sure you don't want me to help?" he asked.

She smiled and shook her head. "I've got it under control." When she finished, she looked over at him. "Hot chocolate?"

He nodded. "Sounds good." She busied herself with that and then brought two mugs over to the table, setting one in front of him. He reached over to one of the empty chairs and then pulled out a box, wrapped in a festive wrapping paper with a big bow. He set it on the table and slid it over to her. "This is for you."

She looked at it but didn't reach for it. She looked back at him. "You didn't need to get me anything. I, uh…."

He shook his head. "I know. You didn't buy me nothing. It's okay." They had rarely bought each other anything. She'd gotten him the guitar strap she'd had engraved with his name and, after he'd gotten out of rehab for the second time, she'd bought him a vintage Martin guitar. He'd gotten her diamond earrings for her first number one and a belt with 'I love you' engraved on the back. Plus the mother's necklace. It was the second time he'd done this.

"I wish you hadn't," she said.

"It ain't nothing, Rayna," he said, a little frown on his face. "Just open it."

She finally reached for it and carefully unwrapped it. When she lifted the top of the box off, she gasped. It was the framed lyrics from her song, the one she was calling 'Sanctuary', with a small picture of Maddie in the bottom corner. She looked up at him. "This isn't nothing, Deacon," she said.

He shrugged. "You told me the song was about Maddie. And it's a pretty song. Thought you might like it."

She lifted it out. "It's lovely, Deacon," she said softly, as she ran her finger along the edge of the frame. She set it down and looked at him. "But you were right."

He looked confused. "About what?"

"This song. I had put it away because I couldn't face the truth of it. I wanted it to be about Maddie, _for_ Maddie, and so that's what I said, but it was also about you, like you said." She ran her tongue over her bottom lip. "Maybe mostly about you, or you and me, I guess, and how I was always there back then. I wrote it to make myself feel better, I think, maybe because I wanted to believe I'd helped you in some way. Except that you're doing this on your own, without me."

He took a deep breath. "I don't want it to be without you, Rayna. You know that."

She nodded. "But that's the thing, I think it needs to be. I might have been your sanctuary back then, but it wasn't really what you needed." She put her palms on the table in front of her. "I'll always be there for you, Deacon, and you'll always be in our lives, but the you and me thing needs to be over. It was beautiful, you know that, but we both hurt each other so much, it's too painful. It's our history, and a lot of it was really, really beautiful, but in the end I couldn't save you, _can't_ save you, and I'll never put myself in that position again, because what you're able to do right now is so beautiful and so important, for you and for our daughter."

She wasn't sure how he'd respond. He seemed to be processing it, but his eyes were filled with hurt and regret. "I'm sorry, Rayna," he said finally. "But I just don't think I can ever just not love you. I loved you the second I saw you and I just, well, I just always will." He breathed out. "I don't know who I am without you."

She smiled sadly. "We'll always be a part of each other's lives, Deacon. We have Maddie and we'll raise her up together. And we're family. That hasn't changed." She reached across the table and laid her hand gently on top of his. "I'm really happy that you're doing it this time. And I'll always support you, have faith in you."

He just nodded, looking like he wanted to cry.

* * *

Later that night, after Maddie had gone to bed, she sat in the den, looking at the Christmas tree lights, sipping on a glass of wine. Deacon had left shortly after giving her the gift. He hugged her close and she breathed in deeply, smelling his clean smell, feeling his strong arms around her. She had wanted so badly to give in, but she had watched him do this, on his own. She was afraid that Cole had been right all along, that he would never have done this if she'd been waiting for him.

It hurt her to her core to hear it, broke her heart in more pieces than she could count. They were so connected, they were in each other's blood, but she would not let him fall again. Too much depended on it now.

She finally got up, unplugged the lights, and then took her wine glass and set it in the sink. She walked back through the house, turning out lights as she did. She peeked in Maddie's room, the starfish night light sending out its soft glow. She lifted her eyes to the wall above her, where she'd hung the lyrics Deacon had framed. She sighed and then closed the door.

She walked down to her bedroom and undressed, slipping on pajama pants and a long sleeved t-shirt. Then she crawled under the covers and cried herself to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Now that the tour was over and the holidays had passed, things seemed to be moving back to normal. Deacon had been alternately friendly and aloof. Sometimes he picked fights with her, although she felt sure he would say differently. Although they still struggled sometimes with the co-parenting thing, they finally seemed to be moving together in the right direction. He was asking for more time with Maddie, which always gave her pause. She kept reminding herself he was now moving towards three years sober and that she should trust him more, but whenever those thoughts came to the surface, Tandy would remind her of all the pain she'd suffered because of him, and her father would sternly remind her Deacon was still an addict. _I know you couldn't be bothered to listen to me, back when you decided to let him know he was Maddie's father, but even if you don't care about your own life, think about hers. Don't put her in harm's way._

She frowned behind her sunglasses and then peeked at Maddie by way of the rearview mirror. She was still sleeping in her car seat thankfully. She seemed to already be in the throes of the terrible two's and she often wondered what had happened to her sweet baby. Maddie had turned willful and stubborn, her favorite word being 'no'. Usually loudly. She seemed to be taking on more of Deacon's characteristics, day by day, and she wasn't at all sure how she felt about that.

She turned off West End onto 17th Street and then, when it turned into Division Street, she turned again onto Music Square, winding around until she got to the building where Edgehill was currently housed. She remembered how, back when she was nineteen, they were the only label who gave her a chance. Two A&R guys from Warner Nashville had gone off and created their own label. Rayna was their first artist and she had sure delivered, with a monster debut album, 'Cowgirls Love Too Hard'. As she'd grown in her career, so had the label. They'd outgrown the little rundown house on a side street and now were in one of the medium rise buildings closer to the action.

When she pulled into the parking lot, she found a place up front. Maddie woke up as soon as she parked the car, demanding to be let out of the car. "Out, Mama!" she shouted.

When Rayna opened the back door, she smiled at the angry scowl on her little girl's face. Maddie held her arms out and Rayna picked her up from the car seat. "What are you so angry about, sweet girl?" she asked.

"Down!" Maddie cried.

Rayna put her on the ground and took her hand. Maddie tried to pull away, but Rayna scolded her. "Oh, no, you don't, Maddie," she said. "This is not our backyard. _Or_ your father's." Those were places where she felt Maddie was safe, surrounded by fences. "Let's go see your Uncle Bucky and Uncle Watty, okay?" She was meeting her mentor and her manager at the label to talk about her next tour.

* * *

She was holding Maddie on her lap as she talked to Bucky and Watty. Bucky looked at her closely. "So have you thought anymore about an album?"

She shook her head. "I still don't feel like I have enough material. I don't want to put out something just to do it. And I feel like we're still solid with 'Sweet and Sorrow' and 'Big Open Skies'." She looked from one to the other. "Don't y'all?"

Watty made a little bit of a face, which she didn't like. "New music's always good, Rayna." He hesitated a moment. "You think you and Deacon could…."

She frowned and shook her head. "No. Deacon and I can't write music together. I don't even know what we would write about these days." The idea of 'Sanctuary' played in the back of her mind, but she wasn't sure she even wanted to put it out there. "We can't write what we used to, you know that."

"You didn't just write love songs, Rayna," Bucky said.

That was true, but songwriting was such a deeply personal, deeply intimate thing for the two of them. And in her mind, every song they wrote was a love song, because of how they played off each other when they created them. The songs they wrote told their story, sometimes in overt ways and sometimes not. She shook her head again. "I'll work on something myself," she said. "What about the tour?" She wanted to change the subject.

Bucky breathed out. "Good. Most of the venues from last time want you back. If you're up for it, I think we can add more, extend the tour a bit."

She nodded. "I'd like that. Now that Maddie's older, I think it won't be as exhausting. Any thoughts on openers?"

"Sara Evans is one thought," Bucky said. She nodded. Sara was an up-and-comer and just a couple years younger than she was. She'd met her briefly, but didn't really know her. "And the other is Keith Urban. Just hitting it right now. He'll probably be a headliner in a few years." She thought about that. Having a male opener wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.

"Who opens first?" she asked.

"Sara, I think."

Maddie was starting to get fidgety, so she needed to wrap things up. "I like it," she said with a smile. "Let's do it."

Bucky smiled. "I'll get it all set up." She stood up then, reaching for the diaper bag. "One more thing," Bucky said, and she turned to face him, as he and Watty stood as well. "Deacon."

She frowned. "What about Deacon?"

"Well, we only gave him a one year contract. You weren't comfortable extending it out past that, in case, you know." She _did_ know. It was a test, to see how serious he was about staying sober. Bucky gave her a sideways smile. "He's generating some interest from other artists, Rayna."

She didn't like hearing that. "I think we should bring him back," she said. "Lock him in for a longer deal." She'd thrown it out there to him when they'd finished the last tour, but with some time and distance, she wondered if it was the right move after all. It felt like a slippery slope and she wasn't at all sure either one of them could handle it. But there was no doubt, either, that he made her better. He'd always done that. He was so in sync with her and what she'd learned over the past year was that, on stage, that hadn't changed. She nodded. "We should bring him back."

Bucky nodded. "I'll give him a call."

She shook her head. "No. Let me. He's, uh, coming over to pick up Maddie tomorrow. Let me talk to him then. And I'll let you know."

Bucky smiled. "Alright. I'll be waiting to hear from you."

She set Maddie down long enough to pull on her jacket and get Maddie into hers, not without a struggle and some toddler argument. Then she took Maddie's hand and looked back at Bucky and Watty and smiled. "Thanks, y'all. As always."

All she thought about as she walked out to the parking lot and on her way home was that other artists wanted Deacon in their band. Although she knew she was playing with fire, she also knew she couldn't let someone else take him away from her. She needed to make this official.

* * *

When she heard the knock, she hurried to the door. When she opened it, Deacon was standing there. She gave him a quick smile. "Hey," she said, then stepped back. "Come on in." He walked in and then turned to face her. She closed the door and then turned back. "Maddie's still asleep. I hate to wake her, unless…."

He shook his head. "That's okay." He smiled. "I know how she gets when someone wakes her up."

She smiled back. "She's developed a temper, for sure." She breathed in. "But I'm glad we've got a few minutes, to talk. She gestured towards the den. "Let's go sit." She walked into the den and sat in one of the chairs. He followed and sat across from her, a frown on his face. She smiled and shook her head. "It's nothing bad."

He nodded then. "Okay."

She sat forward, resting her elbows on her legs. "So I met with Bucky and Watty today, to talk about the tour and some other things. And we talked about the fact that we only signed you for a year." She bit her lip a second. "So how did you feel things went?"

He raised his eyebrows and nodded. "Good, good. I thought they went good. Did you?"

She nodded her head slowly. "I did." She smiled. "You've done a really good job, staying on your program, doing the work. And it felt good being on stage with you again." She smiled a little more broadly. "I've always said you make me better and nothing's changed that. And then there's Maddie. I'm glad you've had the chance to bond with her."

"Me too, Ray."

"So, I guess what I'd like to know is if you want to stay on, like we talked about. Keep being my bandleader. Maybe sign a longer deal." She looked at him expectantly.

He breathed in, then smiled. "I was hoping maybe you would. I really appreciate the offer."

She squeezed her hands together in her lap. "So, does that mean you will?"

He laughed a little. "Oh, yeah, yeah. I accept." He reached for her hand. "I'm glad you want me back, Rayna."

There was something in his eyes then that made her realize she needed to be clear about what this meant. "I'm glad you're coming back. I'll have Bucky draw up the contract, extend it out to five years?" He nodded. "I want to make sure you understand this is still professional, Deacon."

She saw a twitch in his jaw and his eyes turned dark. "I get it," he said, a little tersely. He stood up and walked away from her. She felt nervous and stood up as well, still clenching her hands together. "Deacon…."

He turned back to face her. "I did everything you asked, Rayna. I did my meetings, I stayed sober, I showed you I could be a daddy to Maddie, I…."

She shook her head. "I never told you there would be…anything at the end of this." She took a deep breath. "I still feel like this is how things need to be. We're Maddie's parents and we love her and we support each other in being her parents."

He was obviously trying not to blow up. "We're more than Maddie's parents, Ray, you know that," he said, his voice surprisingly steady. "I love you. You love me. I _know_ you do. We should be raising Maddie up together. As a family."

"We _are_ a family, Deacon. But we don't have to be together to do that. We can raise her like we have. When we're on tour, she's with both of us, and when we're not, well, we've worked out a good schedule."

He shook his head. "So you really don't trust me. Don't have no faith in me."

"That's not true," she countered. "You _know_ that's not true. We're good as Maddie's parents, but I just can't go…farther than that. And it wouldn't be fair for me to promise you that."

He turned slightly away from her, his hands on his lips, his eyes closed, breathing in and out slowly. She felt tingles running up and down her spine. He'd done so well and she didn't want this to destroy everything. But she was scared. She kept hearing Cole's voice in her head. _You need to let him go, Rayna. He can't do this if you're there to shore him up. I know you love him, but if you really want him to get better, you've got to let him go._ She breathed in sharply and he turned to look at her, his eyes open, his hands out to his side. "I don't get it, Rayna," he said, his voice filled with pain, his eyes damp. "You're okay with me being with Maddie. You want me in your band. But you don't want _me_. You afraid of me?"

She didn't really want to tell him that. And, truthfully, it really wasn't that she was afraid _of_ him. She was afraid _for_ him. And she realized it didn't completely make sense, since she let him take Maddie to his house, but she also knew Cole and Audrey were close by, in case of an emergency. She sighed. "I just don't know if we're good together, Deacon," she said finally. "I _do_ love you, but you know how things were. They were hard and tumultuous and, well, we hurt each other so much. I just really think we need to be Maddie's parents. And that's it." And as if on cue, Maddie started calling out for her. She tried to smile at him. "Maddie's up. And she's been looking forward to seeing you."

He breathed in and jammed his hands in his pockets, turning away from her. Her heart ached as she thought about the things she'd had to say to him. It was true – she _did_ love him. She loved him as much as she ever had. But he needed more time, to get stronger, and she just wasn't sure what things would look like in the end.

"It just don't make no sense, Rayna," he said, quietly. "None of it. I thought I knew you, but turns out maybe I don't."

She wasn't sure she could fully explain it herself. She just knew she couldn't take another disappointment. Maddie called out again and, after looking at his back one more time, she hurried back to their daughter's bedroom.

* * *

She sipped on her wine, then put her glass down on the table. "I really don't know how you're doing this, babe," Tandy said, eyeing her sister carefully.

Rayna was sitting on Tandy's loveseat, with her legs pulled up underneath her. "Doing what?" she asked.

Tandy raised her eyebrows. "Well, letting Deacon take care of Maddie, but then keeping him at arms' length for yourself."

Rayna frowned. "I told you I wanted Deacon to have a relationship with Maddie," she said, ignoring the second part of her sister's observation. "I knew all along that, if he wanted that, and he stayed sober, that I would support it. The whole reason I told Deacon in the first place was to give him that option."

"Aren't you a little afraid for her to be alone with him?"

Rayna looked away. "Why would I be afraid? He's her father and he loves her."

Tandy shook her head. "Well, for the obvious reason, sweetheart," she said. "He's an alcoholic. And I know, he's been sober for a couple years now and it's the longest he's ever stayed sober, but he's still a risk. He's volatile and who knows what might set him off. You and I both know Maddie's a handful. What if he gets in over his head?"

Rayna took a long swallow of her wine. "He hasn't so far," she said defensively. "I have to trust him, Tandy. Plus Cole and Audrey are nearby."

Tandy stretched her arm across the back of the couch. "So what's holding _you_ back?"

"I didn't think you liked Deacon," she said.

"Oh, I _don't_," Tandy said, shaking her head. "Well, that's not fair. I don't dislike _him_ as much as I dislike what he's _done to you_. What he put you through, the hell your life was."

She couldn't deny that completely. She had loved Deacon for what felt like her whole life, but he had put them both through some very tumultuous times. "Well, that's _exactly_ what holds me back, Tandy. I can't live my life that way. There was just so much pain and I don't want to go back to that."

Tandy shrugged. "It just seems surprising to me that you'll hand over Maddie to him, but you hold yourself back." She smiled. "I guess you've learned from all that after all."

She had to really think about that. Was that what it was? That she'd learned from all the heartache? She still loved him, that she knew for sure, and probably always would. It just felt like it wasn't enough to make her take that first step, and put herself back into that same situation. She wanted Maddie to have two healthy parents and she was ever mindful of Cole's admonition to keep him at arms' length. It was more important for him to be sober and present in their daughter's life, than to risk going back into old patterns.

* * *

Rehearsal was over, but she and Deacon still needed to finalize the set list. It was a week until Maddie's birthday and then another week and they would head back out on the road. Bucky had been worried about the tour, since she wasn't supporting an album this time. She smiled a little to herself. Bucky always worried. It was his job and it was his nature. They had booked at all arenas this time, no small venues. They called her the Queen of Country Music now, although she felt like there were many female artists who could easily have been dubbed that. But Bucky's fears had been unfounded. Tickets were being snapped up almost as quickly as they went on sale. She was gratified by that, but never took it for granted.

Deacon was talking with the fiddle player. She was new on the tour and Deacon had been taking her under his wing, making sure she was comfortable as part of the band. Rayna watched them. Kelsi was pretty, and young. Deacon's type. She had dark hair and the clearest blue eyes Rayna had ever seen. She was petite, but packed quite a punch on stage. She had worried, at first, when Deacon brought Kelsi in, thinking he might be interested in her. But it turned out she had a longtime boyfriend. She kept an eye on things anyway.

Deacon turned away from Kelsi then and she knew he knew she'd been watching. He smiled as he walked over to her. "Just a few tweaks and she'll be okay," he said.

She frowned. "What?"

"Kelsi. Ain't that who you were looking at?"

She could feel herself blush. "I don't know," she murmured and turned away. "Let's go talk about the set." She walked across the stage and down the steps, realizing as she did so, that she had been unconsciously walking slowly and deliberately, her hips swaying just a bit. She mentally chastised herself for feeling whatever it was she'd been feeling.

* * *

It had taken longer than she'd thought it would to run through the set. Although, in her head, she knew what Deacon had put together was solid, considering there were a few songs she didn't want to do anymore, she couldn't help tweaking it. She could tell he was a little annoyed with her, but she also felt like it was _her_ show, so she did it anyway. When they finally finished, he slammed his notebook shut, and she could see the twitch in his cheek. Even though it shouldn't have mattered, she didn't like him being put out with her.

"So, um," she said, flitting her eyes around the room. "Maddie's birthday. Did you decide on something for her?" The last time he'd dropped Maddie off, they had discussed that.

He raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, I did." She looked at him expectantly and he cleared his throat. "Oh. So I got her that little play kitchen, the one she's been talking about, and a zebra."

"A zebra?"

He smiled a little. "Stuffed one. Not real."

She smiled. "Okay, good. I don't have room for a real one."

He shook his head. "You?"

She stretched her arms out on the table and clasped her hands together. "Well, even though I don't want to perpetuate stereotypes for little girls, I got her that doll she wanted and a little play stroller for it." She sighed. "I mean, it's okay to want to be a mama _and_ have a career. I know I did." She saw a hint of sadness in his eyes. "Everything's set though. Cake is ordered, decorations, invitations." She smiled. "Still mostly grownups, with their kids, if they have them. She won't remember."

He nodded. "I'll come a little early, if that's still okay."

"Of course. She'll be so excited to see you and get to spend some time with you before the festivities start."

He looked at her curiously. "You ever decide what you wanted to do with your song?" She just looked at him. "Sanctuary?"

She shook her head. She knew what he'd been referencing. "No."

"I know you don't got a record planned, but maybe you could just put it out as a single," he said.

She frowned. "Why would I do that? I could put it on an album in the future."

He sighed. "All I'm saying, Ray, is it's a great song. You shouldn't hide it." He pushed his chair back and stood up. Then he leaned towards her. "No matter who you wrote it for." Then he picked up his bag and guitar case and walked out the door.

* * *

She stood on the side of the stage, breathing in and out. Or trying to. Deacon was standing next to her, with his guitar, and she felt like she couldn't get enough air in her lungs. It wasn't like she'd never sung at the CMA's before, because she had. It wasn't that her song was nominated for both Song of the Year and Single of the Year, because she'd had plenty of nominations before. It was that this one was so personal for her alone. She had shared songwriting credit with Deacon, since he'd written the music, although he'd told her it wasn't necessary. He'd done a beautiful job with the spare soundtrack and it had melded with the words so perfectly. When she sang it on tour, she normally did it with a single white light shining on her in a dark arena.

Watty was the one who'd convinced her that Deacon was right, that she should record and release 'Sanctuary', adding it to 'Big Open Skies' as a bonus, even though the album had been out for over a year. They stood in separate rooms to record it, as she hadn't felt like she could do it standing next to him. As it was, she'd barely gotten through it. Watty had told her it had added something special to the recording, an emotional resonance.

It had started a little slowly, with not much initial radio play, but it was a powerful ballad that got into the hearts of her audiences, when she sang it on her tour. Word of mouth buzz from those who'd been at her shows, as well as industry people attending those concerts, had propelled it to the top of the charts. It was a special song for her and getting that affirmation was rewarding. And now she was getting ready to perform it, onstage, on country music's biggest night and she was uncharacteristically nervous.

She tugged at the body hugging sequined dress that was cut low to show off her cleavage and, truthfully, just barely covered her ass. It wasn't like she'd never worn dresses like that one, or even that particular dress, before, but she felt a little exposed, the way her song always left her feeling a little exposed. She loved the song. It was one of her favorites she'd ever written. But it was for Deacon and Maddie – admittedly more for Deacon – and she felt like everyone knew.

She took a deep breath. She'd be going on in five minutes. "You ain't nervous, are you?" Deacon's voice came in her ear and she felt herself shiver just a bit.

She shook her head. "Of course not." She twisted her hands in front of her, tapping her right heel on the floor.

And then suddenly they were announced and she took a deep breath before walking out on stage, her hands held high and a smile on her face. She smiled at Deacon as they both took their places and then waited for him to play the opening notes.

* * *

Rayna stood in front of the mirror after she'd sent her glam squad away. They'd piled her hair up on top of her head and she wasn't sure she liked it. She reached for one of the flyaway tendrils and wrapped it around her finger. Suddenly Tandy was right behind her and the two sisters looked at each other in the mirror. "Don't mess with it, sweetie," Tandy said. "You look like an angel."

Rayna gave her a tiny smile and lowered her hands, first flattening her palms against the sides of her legs, then clasping her hands in front of her. Her dress was a simple cream colored gown. She wore a more subdued version of the earrings she normally would wear for an awards event and no other jewelry. She thought about wearing the necklace Deacon had given her for Maddie's first birthday, but decided not to at the last minute. "I don't know why I'm so nervous," she said.

Tandy put her hands on Rayna's arms. "It's a big deal to you, that's why," she said quietly. She hesitated a second. "I know you told me you wrote the song for Maddie," she said. "But it's really for Deacon, isn't it?" Rayna took a deep breath. "That's why it means so much."

"It's not totally about that. And you know I probably held on for too long. Waited for too long." She took a deep breath and looked in her sister's eyes in the mirror. "I don't really regret all that time. Deacon was in my blood almost from the moment I met him. We were always so connected. I couldn't just walk away from him."

Tandy sighed. "But you did."

She nodded. "Yeah, I did," she said softly. "And I question myself every day, Tandy. He's been sober for three years. He's been a great father to Maddie. But I also am afraid that if I let him back into my life, that it would undo all of that."

Tandy gave her a little smile. "You have to think about what's best for _all_ of you, sweetheart. I know it can't be easy, but I think you're making good decisions."

She sighed. "I hope you're right."

Just then the door to her dressing room opened. "Miss Jaymes, they're ready for you," the PA said.

She turned to look at him and smiled. "Thank you," she said. She and her friend Pam Tillis were giving out the Vocal Duo of the Year award. Then she would be back in the audience in time for the Single and Song of the Year awards. She looked at Tandy. "I'll see you back in the seats." She reached for her sister's hand and squeezed it. "Thanks for being here with me." Then she hurried over to follow the PA to the side stage.

* * *

She was unexpectedly nervous as the nominees for Song of the Year were announced. Her heart felt like it was in her throat. Just like 'This Love Ain't Big Enough' two years earlier, 'Sanctuary' was a song that had come from a place deep inside her. She had decided if she could only win one award, this would be the one. To be honored as a songwriter was special, because the song came from the depths of the writer. The ones that won normally carried powerful emotions and were the epitome of three chords and the truth. It was a characteristic she and Deacon had always strived for, telling their truth, and she acknowledged to herself that it had been fitting for him to have been a part of this.

He was sitting a few rows back from her. She was conscious of that, feeling like his eyes were on her. They hadn't said much to each other after they'd performed the song early in the show.

_She felt like she couldn't breathe as she walked off the stage. She could feel Deacon right behind her. When they had cleared the stage itself and walked into the area that led to the dressing rooms, she stopped and looked at him. "You done good, Rayna," he said, with a sad smile. "Like always."_

_She clasped her hands together nervously. "Do you think it was okay to just do it with the guitar and piano?" When they had recorded the song, she had an orchestra do the music behind his guitar, giving the song the reverent richness she felt it deserved._

_He'd smiled at her then. "It's a beautiful song, Ray. I think it was perfect the way we done it." _

_She had smiled gratefully, just needing to know he approved. The song was her baby and, though she thought there would probably be others in the future she would love as well, this one was special._

She snapped back, just as the presenters were opening the envelope. She held her breath and felt Tandy grab her hand. "And the CMA Award goes to…'Sanctuary'. Rayna Jaymes and Deacon Claybourne, songwriters."

She turned to look at Tandy, who hugged her. "Congratulations, sweetheart," Tandy whispered in her ear.

When Tandy let her go, she handed her purse to her sister and got up from her seat. She was on the aisle, so it was easy to get out, but when she did, Deacon was waiting for her. She smiled up at him and then reached for a hug. "Thank you," she whispered. He shook his head, but gave her a smile as he guided her towards the steps.

When she was standing in front of the microphone, looking out over the audience, she was moved by the standing ovation. She held the award close and brushed away her tears before leaning into the microphone. "Thank you so much for this amazing honor," she said. "I held onto this song for a bit, not sure if it was too personal, too much of a ballad to put out there. But Deacon" – she turned to look at him – "convinced me I had to, and then even put it to music, which is what I think actually makes it special. This means so much to me." Her voice trailed off and she turned to Deacon, pointing at the microphone. Deacon never spoke at these, but she wanted him to have the chance anyway.

He leaned in and said, "It's all Rayna. I just played the guitar. But thank you." Then he put his hand on the small of her back and led her off the stage. In the dark of the backstage area, he hugged her close. "It's true," he whispered. "This was all you." She pulled back and looked up at him. "Congratulations," he said, and then let her go.

* * *

It had been Deacon's idea to take Maddie to the cabin, right after her third birthday. _She'll like the lake. And fishing. I'll teach her fishing. _ He'd asked her to join them, but she had said no at first. There were a thousand memories at the cabin, the place he'd bought for her after that first trip to rehab. Almost all of those memories were positive ones, because it was there that he seemed to be able to release his demons. It had so often been a healing place – after rehab, after a deep dive into the cycle and a recovery, after a particularly difficult fight. Which just made thinking about being there bittersweet these days.

The last time she'd been at the cabin, he'd been drunk. She had come to find him after he'd left his fourth try at rehab, lashing out because she had forced him back. She had just found out she was pregnant and what she had seen, standing on the porch where he couldn't see her, had frightened her badly. She had left without going inside, unsure of what to do next. All she could think about was protecting her unborn child. All of the decisions she'd made after that – sending him to rehab the last time and deciding to raise her baby on her own – had put them on the path that led them to this crossroads.

She wasn't at all sure she wanted to open that door, be in that place with all those memories. But she finally decided she would go. It was just for the day – and it was a beautiful day – and she could sit out on the porch if the memories got too close.

On the drive up, Maddie had been a nonstop chatterbox, asking if she could go in the water, if there were trees to climb, how much longer it would be before they got there, and then demanding food. By that time, they weren't far from the exit off the highway that would lead to the secluded cabin in the woods. Of course, it wasn't a cabin, really. It was just what they'd always called it. She had loved it from the minute she walked in the door and the closer they got, the more anxious she became.

"You okay?" he asked, as they drove down the old state highway.

She nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine," she said.

"You don't seem fine."

She gave him a look. "I'm fine." He raised his eyebrows, but didn't say another word.

As soon as they made the turnoff, she could feel the butterflies in her stomach. As they pulled off the road and up to the cabin, she felt nauseous. She began to question the wisdom of coming. But Maddie was demanding to get out and Deacon was busy unbuckling her from the car seat. She didn't make a move to get out of the truck, just sat looking out over the lake.

Deacon had set Maddie down on the ground and then looked back in at her. "Rayna?"

She turned her head slowly to look at him. "What?"

He smiled at her. "You gonna get out?"

She thought about that for a minute, then shook her head. "Yeah, of course." She opened the door and stepped out, then leaned back in for the basket of food she'd put together. She closed the door and walked around to the front of the truck. Maddie was hopping back and forth from one foot to the other. "You ready to eat, sweet girl?" she asked. "Or do you need to tinkle?"

"Need to tinkle!" she shouted and then ran up the steps to the porch.

Deacon grabbed the basket from her and she ran behind their daughter, automatically reaching for the key in the flower pot. Then she slid open the doors and, grabbing Maddie's hand, led her to the bathroom. When Maddie was finished, she raced out of the bathroom to where Deacon was. She walked into the bedroom and stopped.

She hadn't really paid any attention to anything when they had come into the house, since Maddie was running so fast. But now she looked around and all the history of the place came flooding back. She had forgotten that the only bathroom on the main floor was in the master bedroom. It had never mattered, because no one else ever came to the cabin. But what struck her most was that nothing had changed since the last time she'd been there. The furniture was the same – the big wooden bed, the desk and the old deep red club chair. The huge diagram of a guitar that hung over the desk, the one she'd given Deacon one year for his birthday. The fluffy rug on her side of the bed, so she didn't have to step on the cold wood floor on winter mornings.

She walked over and put her hand on the blanket at the end of the bed. She caught her breath, thinking about all the times they'd come to this place and barely made it out of the bed. Nothing had changed, though. Deacon was a creature of habit, the least of the things about him that would make her shake her head. So it wasn't surprising to see all the furniture just as it had been. The same bedspread on the bed, probably the same books on the nightstands. In its own way, she found that comforting.

"Where's your mama?" she heard Deacon say. Then she heard little feet running and Maddie flew into the room, grabbing her hand.

"Come _on_, Mama," she said, a little scowl on her face. "We hungry!"

She couldn't help but smile as she let Maddie pull her out of the bedroom and into the great room, where she saw, yet again, that nothing had changed. The pictures, the furniture, the dishes. Her eyes flicked over the sliding doors and she saw that even the 'Eternity' sign was still there.

"You alright?" he asked.

She looked at him and saw the concern on his face. She smiled. "Yeah, yeah. You know, just kind of a…." Her voice trailed off.

He breathed in. "I guess it brings back memories, don't it?" he asked gently.

She shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. Some." She refocused her attention on Maddie, who was eating one of the sandwiches she'd made. "Does that hit the spot, Maddie?" she asked. Maddie, her mouth full of sandwich, just nodded. She grinned and walked over to the table. "I'm kind of hungry myself, you know?" she said, quickly looking at Deacon. She fished around in the basket for a sandwich and a bag with tomatoes in it. She held it up. "No soggy sandwiches here," she said.

He smiled and shook his head. "Glad you remembered that." She had learned the hard way, years ago, that putting the tomato on a sandwich for a picnic meant a soggy sandwich by the time it was eaten. He gestured towards one of the chairs. "Sit down." She smiled and sat next to Maddie. "Y'all want a ginger ale?" Another thing that hadn't changed. Ginger ale was his non-alcoholic drink of choice. She was surprised she hadn't remembered that before.

He came back with drinks and they ate their lunch and then he took Maddie out to the lake and let her wade in. She sat on the porch and watched, thinking about how happy she was to be in this place again.


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: __This is the end of this little story. For those who were worried it would not end this way, it was never my intention to do that. Thanks for reading._

**Epilogue**

Rayna stood in the upstairs bedroom and looked at herself in the mirror. Her glam squad had just left and she pulled at a strand of hair trailing down her neck. There was a gentle knock on the door and then it opened slightly. She turned and, seeing Tandy's face, she smiled. "Come on in," she said.

Tandy walked in and shut the door behind her. She looked back at her sister. "Are you ready to get dressed?" she asked.

Rayna took a deep breath and then she nodded. "I think so," she answered.

Tandy frowned a little. "Are you having second thoughts?"

Rayna shook her head. "No, not at all. I think I'm just, I don't know, feeling a little overwhelmed, or something. Like it's hard to believe we're really doing this." Just then she felt butterflies in her stomach. She laid her hand where she felt them. She still sometimes wondered if she'd given Deacon's recovery enough time, if she'd given them enough time to be able to navigate all this in a healthy way. But she had decided she could let herself be scared to try for the rest of her life and that would mean she'd miss out on being with the love of her life.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" Tandy asked, concern tinging her voice.

Rayna rolled her eyes. "Yes, I'm fine." She gave her sister a pointed glance. "I'm _fine_."

Tandy raised up her hands. "Okay, okay." She sighed. "I promised myself I wasn't going to be anything but helpful today. I need to just do that."

Rayna nodded. "I think that would be a good idea." She breathed in again and looked back at her reflection in the mirror. "I think I'm ready to get dressed." Tandy walked over to get the dress, which was hanging on the back of the closet door. She brought it back over. Rayna shrugged off her robe and then Tandy lifted the dress up over her head and slid it down over her. As Tandy handled the buttons in the back, Rayna smoothed the dress down. She'd had the dress made for her, with tiny cap sleeves and a smooth line all the way down to her toes. The dress was cream colored satin with a lace overlay. She had wanted something that really made her feel like a bride. The dress was sleek but tasteful, fitted but still forgiving. Her stylist had really nailed it. When Tandy finished with the buttons, Rayna turned to the side and ran her hand over her abdomen, looking back at her sister. "Do I look fat?" she asked.

Tandy rolled her eyes. "Babe, you're pregnant." Then she smiled. "And you look beautiful." Rayna turned back to face the mirror, still feeling a little doubtful. Tandy came up behind her and put her arms around her shoulders and leaned her head on Rayna's shoulder. "Are you happy?" she asked softly.

Rayna took a deep breath and then smiled back. "I _am_ happy," she said. "This is what I always wanted, Tandy. _Always_. And Deacon has shown me he can be the man I knew was always there."

Tandy squeezed her shoulder gently. "Then just concentrate on that. Think about the way he looks at you. All he'll see is his beautiful bride, not anything else." She smiled. "So, speaking of Deacon, I'm going to go check on him. He's handling Maddie and I'm sure she's quite the handful right now." She stepped back.

Rayna turned to her and took her sister's hands. "Thank you." Tandy looked confused. "For being supportive. For trusting me."

Tandy gave her a sly smile. "Sometimes I might wonder if you know what you're doing, but I do trust you, sweetheart. And I love you. You can always count on me, you know that."

Rayna squeezed her hands. "I _do_ know that."

Tandy pulled her hands away and started for the door. "I'll make sure your daughter and your fiancé are ready," she said as she slipped out, leaving Rayna alone.

Rayna turned back to the mirror and took a final look, then walked over to the window. She looked out over the lake in front of her and breathed in. This place was still as beautiful as it was the day Deacon had brought her here the first time. She had questioned the wisdom of his making the purchase right out of rehab, but she'd never questioned what it had meant to her. He'd bought it for _her_, because it was _her_ dream house, and there had certainly been many happy times spent here. There had also been a few painful times, but she worked hard to push those aside these days. He had been the one to suggest they get married at the cabin and she'd thought it was a lovely idea. They had driven up the day before so they wouldn't feel rushed.

The past four years had certainly seen their share of ups and downs, but nothing compared to the previous eleven. The day she'd taken Maddie to see Deacon, and introduced her as his daughter, had changed everything, although not always in the ways either of them had expected. She had not wanted to overwhelm him, so early after rehab, knowing it was a tenuous time and that he needed bolstering and support. She had made sure to create appropriate boundaries for them, determined to navigate things on her own as long as she needed to, and had held Deacon at arms' length on everything other than him getting to know his daughter.

She had waited three years before she really let her guard down, three years of listening to him alternately beg her to take him back and angrily accuse her of not having faith in him. She settled her hand on her stomach. They'd come so far. But she'd had to be sure, sure she could count on him, sure he was committed to making sober work, sure he could be the father he wanted to be. And then the man he wanted to be for her.

Every time she'd considered opening the door, she thought about what had brought them to that point in the first place. She thought back to that time when she had decided she couldn't do it anymore. There had been the drinking, all those times in rehab, arrests, ending up in the hospital. She had finally decided she couldn't spend the rest of her life waiting for the next call from the emergency room or a jail, the next time she found him passed out in a hotel room or a bar, the next time he disappointed her in any number of ways. She had promised herself she would not live her life like that anymore, but Maddie had changed everything. Having a child together meant they'd had to figure out what they were to each other and how to navigate whatever relationship that meant they would have.

As his relationship with Maddie grew, she was encouraged. She supported him but she still was hesitant to go all in, which made him angry. He had wanted it all – his daughter, a family, a wife – but she was still afraid. She'd spent too many years watching and waiting, feeling unimaginable pain and loss, and she couldn't risk more of that. Her fear was always that he'd disappoint her, disappoint Maddie, and she had to be sure. Of course, all that did was frustrate him.

She'd learned a lot about herself, though, by choosing to stand on her own first. The one thing she had believed from the start – that she didn't need a man to define her – had proven to be true. While Deacon added something immensely important to her life, it had also been important to find her own way, taking care of herself and her daughter. She thought back to a conversation she'd had with Tandy, when Maddie had been almost a year old. It had been at the end of an argument, but it had stayed with her ever since. _You of all people should know that a woman doesn't have to have a man. I've made my own way since I was sixteen years old. I fought for my career and for everything I've achieved up to this point. I don't need a man – __any__ man – to take care of me and make me respectable. I live my life with integrity and I'm true to myself. As long as I do that, I'll be fine._ It had been true. That knowledge and understanding had led her to this point.

They'd been here, at the cabin, on a sunny, warm late spring day, just after Maddie's third birthday, when she had sat on the porch and watched the two of them, sitting on the dock with fishing poles. Deacon was so gentle with Maddie and listened patiently to her non-stop babble. She could see how clearly Maddie adored her father and she could also see that the feeling was mutual. That was when she decided she was done waiting, that he'd proven enough to her. When she suggested they stay overnight, the look of happiness on his face told her she'd made the right choice. Finally. All he wanted to do was take care of his girls and now he'd have that chance.

_She had wanted Maddie to take a nap, after they ate lunch, but she had shrieked her displeasure with that idea. Deacon had looked at her apologetically and she had shrugged. The point of being at the cabin had been for Maddie to have a good time, not to take a nap, so she let it go. She had brought a bathing suit for Maddie and her daughter's desire to 'get outside!' had made it a struggle to get it on. Deacon had swooped her up in his arms then and carried her down to the lake, as she squealed her excitement._

_She followed them down and sat on the dock, dangling her legs over the edge and letting her bare feet swirl in the water. Deacon dipped Maddie in and out of the water, to their daughter's happy delight, and he would look over at her periodically, as if trying to judge how okay with it she was. But she smiled warmly, happy to see what a sweet bond he had with their daughter. None of this had been a given – he could have balked at being a father or not been able to handle it or not been able to stay sober. But he had loved Maddie from the moment he laid eyes on her and had stayed the course, wanting to have a place in his daughter's life._

_Deacon eventually went inside to get fishing poles and when he came back, she had gotten up and headed for the house. When she went in the bathroom and looked in the mirror, she saw that she'd gotten a little sun – maybe too much – and decided to just sit on the porch. But before she did, she again walked through the house, touching familiar things, feeling a little like she'd gone back in time. She went up the stairs and peered into the upstairs bedrooms. They had never done much with them, thinking they would when the day came that they had children. She felt a knot in her stomach, remembering the despair she'd felt when she thought that would never happen for them. He had guitars in one room, but the rest were empty._

_She remembered the day Deacon had brought her here for the first time. It was the day before she was supposed to perform at the CMA's and she was worried about getting back on time. It was her dream house, and Deacon was sober, and her career was taking off, and, even though he shouldn't have done it, she couldn't stop smiling. He told her it was the place where they'd grow old together and she had felt a surge of love for him that overwhelmed her. It had felt like the fairytale had come true for the two of them. She sighed. It had not, of course, because there were still years of turbulence and volatility and pain and disappointment ahead of them, but that day everything had been magical. And, as much as she loved the little house she'd bought after Maddie was born, this place was absolutely her favorite place on the planet. She hadn't known that the last time she was here was going to be the last time, and that was probably a good thing, because had she known she might have made a different choice._

_She walked back downstairs then and looked up over the sliding doors at the Eternity sign. They had found that when they were out on the road. She couldn't remember anymore what tour it was or what town they were headed to, but they had stopped at some truck stop or roadside attraction, and then wandered through the adjacent shop that had all the kitschy, touristy things. Deacon actually had been the one to find it, practically buried behind some straw hats on hangers and sightseeing books. 'This is us, Ray,' he'd said. 'You and me. For eternity.' She had loved it and it didn't cost much, so they bought it, and then brought it to the cabin. He had put it above the sliders, then wrapped his arms around her, and kissed her on the forehead. 'That's us, baby.' And it was. Then. She sighed. It was no use dwelling on the past. She took one last look at the sign and then walked out onto the porch, lowering herself into one of the chairs, feeling like the world as she knew it was tilting on its axis._

* * *

_She was sitting on the porch, watching Deacon and Maddie, watching him bend over to hold the rod with Maddie. Just the way she had always imagined, all those years ago, when she still believed the whole world was in front of them. She suddenly felt all her emotions rise to the surface and wash over her. She'd loved Deacon for what felt like her whole life. She knew for sure she hadn't really come alive until she met him. He was in her blood, that was for sure, and she knew she was in his. She'd never really wondered about it before, never questioned it, until she watched him fail – again – at sobriety, after three trips to rehab. It had killed her to turn her back on him, trying to start a new life for herself, but she had not wanted to watch him kill himself._

_He'd ended up in rehab two more times before it stuck. That it coincided with her pregnancy didn't hurt his resolve, but she was grateful he'd figured it out. It hadn't stopped her from worrying though. It hadn't stopped her from holding him at arms' length. But seeing how much he'd changed, how committed he was to this, had softened her resolve._

_It was getting late in the afternoon and, when she watched Deacon and Maddie walk towards her, she made up her mind. They were almost at the porch when he said, "I guess we should get going, so we can be back before Maddie's bedtime." He glanced at Maddie, then back at her. "I'm sure she'll sleep the whole way back."_

_She hadn't said anything immediately, still wavering the tiniest bit, still questioning herself. And then she heard herself say, "I know we didn't plan for it, but I was thinking maybe we might stay overnight and go home in the morning."_

_His eyes widened with surprise. "What?" he croaked out._

_She smiled then. "I was thinking Maddie might like to see the fireflies. And then maybe you might sing for us, or something." She looked at Maddie. "Would you like to spend the night here, sweet girl?"_

"_Yes!" Maddie squealed._

_She stood up. "I guess that settles it then, don't you think?" He nodded mutely, his eyes questioning her. She walked down the steps and put her arms around his waist, then looked up at him and smiled. "I think you might need to go pick up some dinner though. And something for breakfast."_

_He put one arm around her shoulder. His eyes were filled with both questions and hope. "Are you sure?" he asked, his voice soft and low. She nodded happily and then he leaned in and kissed her. She kissed him back, letting him know she was all in._

* * *

_He went to the small market just up the road and came back with enough groceries for spaghetti and s'mores and eggs for in the morning. Every time he passed her, he would kiss her, as though he couldn't believe she was really there. He let Maddie wear one of his flannel shirts as a very oversized nightgown and, of course, let her wear one too. And after Maddie went to bed, she made him take her to bed as well, although it didn't take any real prodding to get him there. And then what a reunion. They hardly slept, as hungry as they were for each other, as much as they needed to tease and touch and rediscover each other. When they did finally fall asleep, she felt unbelievably satiated and…happy. So very happy._

She smiled to herself as she remembered the next day. Even though Maddie had loudly protested wearing her underwear and clothes again, she didn't let it spoil her mood the next day. Deacon seemed to always be reaching for her hand or pulling her in for a kiss, like he couldn't believe she'd finally come back. And when they finally had left the cabin, they were already making plans for what was next. Every time she looked at him, she'd felt a shiver up her spine, and then wondered why she had ever waited as long as she had. He was her home, her family. Always had been. And all she wanted to do was rebuild her life with him.

They had decided to buy a new house in town, wanting to start over fresh. The only thing they'd kept from their old life was this cabin. And then there was the night at the Opry, when she'd let Deacon choose the songs they'd do, and they'd performed 'No One Will Ever Love You' and 'Surrender'. When they finished, she had been so pulled into the moment that she almost didn't remember where she was. When they got back to her dressing room, all she'd wanted to do was surrender to him and they had christened that particular dressing room. She smiled to herself. The result of that night was the baby girl she'd have in February. And partly the reason they'd decided to go ahead and get married.

She was never quite sure if it was the cabin or just the fact that she was ready, but once she'd made the move that day, she really hadn't looked back. Deacon reminded her again of the young man she'd met at the Bluebird, filled with hope and talent and a belief in the future. He was that young man again who had treated her with such respect and love, who had been a port in a storm and then had become as much a part of her as her own breath.

Just then there was a knock on the door. As she turned to see who it was, the door opened and Deacon stepped in. She smiled happily. "I know I ain't supposed to see you, 'cause it's bad luck or something," he said.

She walked over to him. "I don't believe in bad luck. You know that." She put her hands on his face and drew him to her for a kiss. She felt his hands circle her waist and she deepened the kiss. When she finally pulled away, she looked into the face she loved. "Are we ready?" she asked.

He smiled. "Whenever you are," he said. He stepped back and took her hand in his. "You're looking kinda gorgeous, Ray."

She squeezed his hand and smiled back at him. "You're looking kinda handsome, Deacon," she responded. He did. He didn't wear a suit often. Actually she wasn't sure she'd really ever seen him in one, one that didn't include jeans anyway, but he sure looked gorgeous in this one. "But I mean, are we ready for _this_?" He looked puzzled. "You know. For filing taxes together and raising up our children and having family meals and all that other mundane stuff?"

He smiled at her and leaned in for a kiss. "All that mundane stuff? That's pretty much just what I been waiting for." He kissed her again. "You know that." He bit down on his lip and looked at her seriously. "You ain't looking for a way out, are you?"

She knew he still held his breath a little, not wanting to mess things up again, no matter how often she told him she had faith in him and that she was committed to forever, with him. She put her hand on his cheek and shook her head. "No. I'm not."

He breathed in. "Then let's get married, okay?"

She smiled and nodded. "Give me just a few minutes and I'll be down."

He looked at her intently, then kissed her softly. "I love you, Rayna."

"I love you, Deacon."

She watched him as he walked out of the room, feeling her heart beat a little faster. He could still take her breath away, still make her tingle from her head to her toes, in that way that made her toes curl up. It was magical, what they had between the two of them, how quickly they'd become so much a part of each other it was hard to tell where one started and the other ended. But it had also made it hard to separate her emotions from the pain they'd caused each other. He was still the same headstrong, impulsive man she'd met all those years ago. He had learned how to channel that these days, but he was still the same man in many ways. She didn't want to be wrong. Not this time. There was too much at stake.

* * *

Rayna stood on the porch, looking out over the lawn and the lake beyond, as the sun started to lower in the sky. It had been a perfect day. Only their closest friends and family had been there. Their vows had been simple and poignant and meaningful, just like the lyrics to their songs. Maddie had been bouncing off walls all day, like it was Christmas, Halloween and her birthday all wrapped up into one day. She didn't completely understand the significance of the day, but she had been excited to wear a pretty dress and see her parents all dressed up. Rayna's eyes found Deacon, right near the water's edge, talking to Bucky and Watty, and she smiled. She thought back to the night before.

_When she rolled over to lay next to him and curl up under his arm, she did so almost regretfully. She placed her palm on his chest while she caught her breath. "Oh, babe, that was amazing," she said, her voice sounding husky to her ear._

_He looked at her and grinned. "You're always amazing, Rayna," he said. He pulled her closer and kissed her on the forehead. "I'm so lucky to have you." She heard a wistful note in his voice that made her frown. She rolled onto her side._

"_Don't do that," she said._

_He looked away. "Do what?"_

"_Act like you don't deserve to be happy. That you don't deserve this. All of this."_

_He looked back at her. "I want this more'n anything, you know that. But I don't want to screw this up…."_

_She propped herself on her elbow so she could look into his eyes. "You're not gonna do that, Deacon. I have faith in you. I wanted you to feel strong and I know you do. So don't try to convince yourself otherwise." He started to say something and she laid her index finger across his lips to stop him. "We're a family already, Deacon. We've been a family since we first met. And now we have Maddie and another little one on the way and we're gonna have everything we ever wanted. And I know you're strong enough for this."_

_His eyes searched hers and then he reached up and threaded his fingers into her hair and pulled her towards him and kissed her deeply._

"Hey, sweetie." Tandy's voice pulled her back to the present. She turned to her sister. "Maddie's asleep. I was thinking maybe Deacon could carry her to my car so I can drive us to my place." She ran her hand along her sister's arm. "Then maybe everyone else will take the hint that it's time to leave." She smiled impishly.

Rayna grinned. "I think that's a great idea. I'll go get Deacon." She headed down the steps and across the lawn.

Deacon turned to look at her as she approached, and he smiled. She smiled back at him. _We're good. We're great. This is what I always wanted, what __we__ always wanted. And now we're gonna have that life we always talked about. A life that's good._

**THE END**


End file.
